ARISTOPHANES’
“WOMEN IN PARLIAMENT”
(also known as “The Assembly Women”)
Ἐκκλησιάζουσαι
Written 390BCE
Translated by
© 2004
http://bacchicstage.com/
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
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PRAXAGORA: An Athenian woman
FIRST WOMAN: A neighbour of Praxagora
SECOND WOMAN: Another neighbour
BLEPYRUS: Praxagora’s husband
NEIGHBOUR: Neighbour and friend of Blepyrus
CHREMES: A citizen of Athens
MAN: Another citizen of Athens
FEMALE HERALD
FIRST OLD WOMAN: An old prostitute
GIRL: A young Prostitute
EPIGENES: A young man
SECOND OLD WOMAN: Second old prostitute, uglier than the first
THIRD OLD WOMAN: Third old prostitute, ugliest of all
MAID: Of Praxagora
CHORUS OF ATHENIAN WOMEN
TWO GIRLS
SICON & PARMENON: Neighbour’s slaves
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Night.
A street in Athens where three houses form the background of the stage. In the centre there is a small stone
platform which will also be used as a seat.
Enter
PRAXAGORA dressed in men’s clothes (complete with phallus). She is walking,
bent over a walking stick and looking through the dim light of a lamp she’s
carrying.
She
waves her lamp searching up and down the street and while doing so she
addresses her lamp, in the manner of a poet satirising another, in this case,
Eurypides: Full of airs and pomposity.
Praxagora:
O light of my lamp!
Bright light in this lamp,
This well crafted lamp,
This lamp built on a wheel by inventors with good aim.
Let me tell of your birth and of your charms:
The potter’s wheel spun you and gave you
A face
And thus your function is placed within
Your nostrils
A function as bright as the sun’s
Rays!
So then,
O, light of my lamp,
Let your light give out the signal we women have
Arranged.
To you, alone, o light of my lamp, we’ll reveal all
And we’re right to do so for you,
Alone
Stand near us in our bedroom
When our body tangles with another in Aphrodite’s
Knots of prurient passion.
You alone,
O light of my lamp,
Can stand by and
Watch our bodies bend into taut bows
And no one will send you away.
You alone,
O, light of my lamp
Can look so closely into those nooks and crannies
Between our thighs where no one else can look
And singe the curls that blossom therein!
And
You, alone, stand by when to our
Pantries we run to steal the flour
And
Bacchus’ wine. You see us then and help us
But
You don’t show and tell our neighbour!
That’s why you, alone will learn what decisions
We, women made at Demeter’s festival the Scira.
Here we are! Minutes only before Parliament starts and not a woman in sight! It’s damned near daylight!
Walks up and down anxiously.
Not a single one of them!
Chuckles. She just remembered a malapropism
uttered by a certain Phyromachus.
He he! Remember Phyromachus? He once called us, “whore’s bums!” Hehehehe! Whore’s Bums!
She shrugs her shoulders.
Pause
Well, we should get in there, in Parliament, quietly and quietly plonk our whore’s bums on our seats nice and early. Make no noticeable fuss at all.
What on earth is keeping them? Haven’t they sown together the false beards that I’ve told them to get? Maybe they’ve found it difficult to run off with their husband’s clothes.
She suddenly sees something in the
distance (Stage Left)
I wonder what that light is. It’s coming this way. I better hide somewhere in case it’s a man.
She
moves back and hides the lamp behind her.
A woman, dressed in man’s clothes and carrying a dimly-lit lamp and a bundle appears. She waves her lamp to the others behind her and they follow her onto the stage.
First Woman:
We’ve got to hurry, girls! The cock crowed twice already!
32
Praxagora:
Relaxes and moves forward towards them.
I was up here all night, waiting for you, girls!
Hang on. Let’s get my neighbour out without her getting caught by hubby. Let’s scratch softly at her door.
36
Second Woman:
I had just put on my sandals when I heard your scratching. I couldn’t sleep all night either. My hubby is an islander, you know. From Salamis. Just loves his little oar. He had me sailing round and round in that bed all night, non-stop! I’ve only just managed to steal his cloak!
Praxagora:
Looks in the direction of Stage Left.
Ah! Here they are! Cleinareti, Sostrati… and Philaneti! Come on then, move it girls!
Enter the three women.
Glyki said the last one to get here will be paying a fine. Three jugs of wine and a sack of chickpeas.
46
Second Woman:
Laughs at the sight of Melistichi in the distance.
Ahahaha! Here’s Melistichi, Smicythion’s wife! Look at her run in her husband’s boots! And there I was thinking that, what with her queer husband, she’d be the first one to be able to get away!
First Woman:
And… here’s the innkeeper’s wife, Mrs Lush herself, complete with her torch.
51
Praxagora:
And there’s Mrs Generous and Mrs Happy and, behind them, a whole lot of women… The absolute cream of Athenian women!
Third Woman:
What a nightmare it was to get away from my husband, girls! Up all night, coughing and splattering, coughing and splattering! All night! No wonder though, he gorged himself on my short‘n curlies for his supper!
Laughter and nods all round.
Praxagora:
Now, ladies! Now that you’re all here, sit down and let me ask you a question!
They all sit around her.
Right. Have you all done what we said we would, back at Scira? At Demeter’s festival?
60
First Woman:
She raises her arm that shows a huge tuft of hair under her armpit.
Sure did. I’ve let the hair of my armpits grow so long that a lion could get lost in it, just like you’ve told us! Then, whenever my husband went off to the market, I’d get the oil out, splash it all over me and stand out in the sun all day to get my body all black.
Second Woman:
Me, too, Praxagora. The first thing I did was to throw the razor out of our house, so that my hair would grow so much, I won’t look at all like the attractive woman that I really am.
Laughter
and applause all round.
Praxagora:
And have you all got the beards?
70
First Woman:
Pulls one out of her bundle.
Here! Look at this one! By Hekate, isn’t it great?
Second Woman:
And look at mine, too, Praxagora! Isn’t it great? Better even than that mop which shields Epicrates’ face!
Praxagora:
You too? All of you?
First Woman:
Yeap. Nods all round. They’ve got them, all right!
Praxagora:
She walks around them, looking pleased.
Good. Looks like you’ve done everything as we said.
Points
at the items she mentions.
Spartan boots…walking sticks…men’s cloaks… Right! You’ve got everything, I see.
First Woman:
And I even knocked off my husband’s truncheon, when he was asleep. Poor Lamius!
Second Woman:
That must be the truncheon he swings when he needs to fart!
Praxagora:
By Zeus the Saviour! With a stick like that, plus Argus’ leather jacket and thousand eyes and old Lamius would be a great shepherd to gather us for our city’s executioner!
All right! Now while there are still stars in the sky, let’s get to the next thing.
Parliament is opening at Dawn and we’re prepared for Parliament. Right, sisters?
First Woman:
Absolutely, by Zeus! And we’ve got to get in there early and sit ourselves directly in front of the Chairman’s stone platform.
Second Woman:
Absolutely, by Zeus! That’s why I’ve brought along my knitting. Get some done before the place fills up.
Praxagora:
While the place fills up, you idiot? Knitting?
90
Second Woman:
Absolutely, by Artemis! Why not? Don’t you think I can knit and listen at the same time? My kids are totally naked!
Praxagora:
Listen to you, woman! Here we are trying to hide our body and you’re talking about knitting!
We’ve got to get in there early,
girls! We’d deserve what we’d get
if, suddenly, when all the people are there, one of us has to climb over them
to get herself a seat but her
cloak gets stuck somewhere and off she goes, showing her pubes to everyone!
Remembers something and chuckles.
Phornisius’ beard, ey? What a stack of pubes that beard is! Hehehe!
Right! Now, if we get there first and take our seats before all the others, hold our man’s clothes tightly wrapped around our body and have our beards with us and let them roll out in front of out face, no man will suspect a thing.
Beards, ey? Even a woman-looking man, like Agyrius looks like a man-looking woman, now that he’s wearing Pronomous’ beard!
Agyrius, ey? Remember him! That crooked, filthy rich politician! Agyrius! Rules the whole city, the bastard! It’s because of him that we should try and accomplish this daring deed today, girls;
And! And we should do it before Dawn arrives.
Let’s hope to take the power in our hands, sisters! Let’s save our city!
Because for a long time now, our city has been going nowhere at a fast oar!
110
Third Woman:
But Praxagora, how could we, a group of women, with women’s brains make convincing speeches?
Praxagora:
We can make excellent speeches exactly because we are women! Better than any man can. They say that buggered youths make splendid orators, don’t they? Now, do we women know about fucking or don’t we? We’re naturals, right?
115
First Woman:
Oh, I don’t know, really. Lack of experience is a dreadful thing, you know. I mean about speeches.
Praxagora:
But that’s precisely why we’re here, darling; to get ourselves all prepared with what we’re going to say in there. Now, put your beards on quickly and, those of you who are ready to speak go ahead and speak!
First Woman:
Ha! We’re all ready Praxagora! Who among us is not an absolute specialist in the art of talking, ey? Fucking and talking! We’re brilliant!
Praxagora:
Put your beards on then and act like you’re a man. I’ll put mine on and then I’ll wear these garlands if I want to make a speech.
Women put their beards on and fool around pretending to be acting like men; swinging their phalluses about, yelling “hohoho” raising their hands to show their muscles… etc.
Second
Woman:
After putting her beard on, takes a mirror out of her bag and looks into it. She is shocked.
Oooooh!
No! Sweetheart, Praxagora,
look! Come and see just how
ridiculous we look! This is awful!
Praxagora:
Approaches and takes a look.
But
why, darling? What’s so ridiculous
about it?
Second
Woman:
But…
with these black beards on our fair faces we look like someone stuck a squid on
our heads grilled on charcoal!
Praxagora:
Ignoring her, calls out as if she is the clerk of the Parliament:
Purifier! Let the Purifier sanctify this place
with the sacrificial cat!
Whispers among the women such as “Shouldn’t it be a piglet? Is that Persephone’s cat? Poor thing!”
A “Purifier” walks around with a cat, then takes it behind the curtains a moment after which we here the cat being slaughtered.
Praxagora:
Right! All of you, girls now gather
around.
Indicating someone among them.
Ariphrades,
stop that chatter! Move closer
please and take your seat.
Now! Who wishes to address
Parliament?
First
Woman:
Me!
Praxagora:
Good.
Put the garland on and good luck!
First
Woman:
Puts it on.
Done.
Praxagora:
Go
on, then!
First
Woman:
What,
make a speech on a dry throat?
Praxagora:
What do you mean? You want a drink? Now?
First Woman:
Of course! Isn’t that why men put on the garland? I’d like some wine, please!
Praxagora:
Get out of there! Is that what you’d be doing in the real Parliament?
135
First Woman:
Whaaaat? Don’t they drink in the real Parliament?
Praxagora:
Don’t be silly, girl!
First Woman:
Of course they do, by Artemis! Absolutely! And it’s the totally unadulterated strong stuff! Who else but drunks would come up with laws like those they do? Not only that but they also go on with libations, mimicking “By Zeus this and by Zeus that!” one libation after another with looong prayers and looong gulps of wine and then go on yelling at each other like drunks and then the archers come along and remove the drunkest of them! Sure they drink! All the time!
Praxagora:
Come on, enough. Off you go! Go and sit down. You are worthless to our cause!
145
First Woman:
By Zeus! I reckon I’d be far better off without this beard. I’m dying of thirst!
Praxagora:
Anyone else wishing to address the Parliament?
Second Woman:
Me!
Praxagora:
Go on then, put the garland on! Sarcastically Oh, we’re doing just fine so far. Now, speak loudly, just like a man. Lean your body well over your stick.
The Second Woman makes play with the phallus before correcting herself and leans over the walking stick.
Second Woman:
Ahem! Now, my thinking is that I’d rather a better orator came up to speak on our behalf and defend our drinking rights, letting me stay sitting down and resting but, never mind! Now! Ahem! My view is that we shall not let a drop of water pollute our bars. Not a drop! Get rid of all the water kegs in bars! Dreadful policy, by Demeter and Persephone, dreadful, whoever invented it!
156
Praxagora:
Stop, you idiot! By Demeter and Persephone? The two goddesses? Two GODDESSESS? What were you thinking?
Second Woman:
What’s up, Praxagora? I didn’t ask for a drink, did I?
Praxagora:
No, of course you didn’t ask for a drink but you swore by the two Goddesses. You’re supposed to be a man, not a woman. The rest of the speech though, was sheer eloquence!
Second Woman:
Oh! You’re so right, by Apollo!
160
Praxagora:
No, stop.
She addresses the rest of the women.
Look, girls! I’m not making the slightest move from here until I know we have perfected everything. We are simply not going into Parliament like this!
Second Woman:
Let me have the garland. I want to speak again. I believe I’ve got it perfect now.
Second Woman:
Ahem! My belief dear, seated ladies is –
Praxagora:
No, no, no! Look at us you blockhead! What are we again? We are MEN! We are NOT ladies!
Second Woman:
Points at the audience.
It’s that fairy, Epigonus, out there. My eyes fell on him and for a minute I thought I was addressing women!
Praxagora:
Guides the woman away angrily.
Come on, off you go, you twit. Sit down with the others. I’ve got a hunch that I had better take the garland myself and speak on behalf of all of us.
Puts the garland on.
Now! Ahem! I beg the gods that they fulfil all our wishes.
I am as much a part of this country as all of you, men. I am truly anxious, truly sad about the dreadful state of our city’s affairs.
You’re always electing awful leaders! Awful! And if one of them gets something right for one day and he’s useful, he gets all sneaky and dodgy and completely stuffs up everything for the following ten days! Then you get another leader and he’s even worse than the last one! I know it’s damned hard to put brains into a thick skull but you’re always sending away those who love you and approach those who hate you. You’re always afraid of the wrong lot of people!
There was a time when Parliament hardly ever met but we did know what a bastard Agyrrios was. Now though, when we do meet, what you do is get abundant praise from the man who draws a leader’s salary whereas he who draws none and tells you that all those who attend Parliament do so just so they can get paid, you condemned him to death!
Applause all round interrupts her speech.
Second Woman:
By Aphrodite, how well you spoke, Praxagora!
190
Praxagora:
Charming! Superb! Once again, you twit, you swore by Aphrodite! How would we look if you did that in the House?
Second Woman:
I wouldn’t be doing that in there.
Praxagora:
Stop doing it now!
Right! And then there’s this… this “Coalition of the Willing” treaty we’ve just signed against the Spartans. When we were all debating it here, every one of us was shouting that if we didn’t sign up the city would be ruined; then when we did, every one of us had changed his mind –AND the man who put the proposal up, shot through!
Then we get another proposal, say to launch a fleet of ships. What happens? Well, the wealthy will vote “yes” but the poor and the farmers will vote the opposite.
One minute you get vicious against the Corinthians to which they reply in kind and the next they’re “great” so you’re “great” is back again!
Those from Argos are uneducated fools yet General Hieronymus is an absolute genius!
We get a slight chance at peace but then, our General Thrasyboulos, goes off screaming that he wasn’t consulted!
First Woman:
Hey, this guy is smart!
204
Praxagora:
Now that’s a good way to praise me.
And you, fellow citizens of Athens, yes, you alone are the cause of all this mess. You come here, draw your funds and use them for your own personal purposes while the city rolls downhill, like our poor Aesimus.
Yet, there’s hope! There’s hope if you listen to my proposal and it is this: I propose that we hand the city over to the women. Who better to run the city then they who run our households? They are the managers and treasurers of our house.
All women together:
Yeaeeeeeeee!
First Woman:
Indeed, kind sir! Please go on!
214
Praxagora:
And let me prove to you just how much better they are equipped up here (indicating the brain) than us. Number one, they dye their wool in hot water. Each and every one of them! They’ve never strayed from that ancient custom. If a system works, they’ll stick with it; not like this Parliament where we’re always fiddling with everything, trying to change it this way and that, looking for some new way to do the same thing. Totally different to the women who:
Do the frying seated, just as they always did.
Carry things on their head, just as they always did.
Carry out the festival of Thesmophoria, just as they always did.
Bake their sweets, just as they always did.
Fuck with their husbands, just as they always did.
Have their secret lovers, just like they always did.
Do that little extra bit of shopping for themselves, just as they always did.
Love their wine straight off the bottle, just like they always did.
Love their fucking, just like they always did.
For all these reasons, gentlemen, I say, let the women govern the city! Don’t start analysing and debating it all, trying to be convinced by the argument. Just hand it over to them. We need only to consider the following:
Being the mothers of our soldiers, they’d want to protect them as best they can; and… and think how much bigger the rations would be and how much faster they’d reach our soldiers when they’re fighting!
Then, so far as the treasury is concerned, women know all about money. They’ve learnt the game a long time ago. A woman will never be diddled by anyone if she’s the leader –women are the absolute masters at diddling!
I’ll stop here now. If I have convinced you you’ll have wonderful lives.
241
Second Woman:
What a sweet woman you are, my Praxagora! Where did you learn all this, darling?
Praxagora:
My husband and I lived near the Pnyx, where Parliament met when we were all thrown out of Athens. I’ve learnt by listening to the speeches of the other orators.
First Woman:
Ah! That’s why you’re so awesome, so brilliant! Well, then. If you pull this off and we get the leadership of the city, we shall elect you General! But then what if Cephalus, our famous orator and potter gets up and insults you? How will you tackle him?
Praxagora:
I’ll simply say he’s out of his kiln!
First Woman:
Nothing new in that, Praxagora. You need to say something else.
Praxagora:
In that case, I’ll say, he’s a phlegmatic, black-livered madman!
First Woman:
Nahhh, nothing new in that either, Praxagora.
Praxagora:
Well then, I’ll just say his pottery stinks and so will his work on the city!
First Woman:
And what if crusty-eyes Neocleidis starts insulting you as well?
255
Praxagora:
What I’ll say to him is, “Neocleidis, go and shove your crusty eyes up a dog’s bum!”
First Woman:
But what if they try to fuck you?
Praxagora:
Darling! I’ve very well versed in fucking. I’ll fuck them back!
First Woman:
Ah! Something else we haven’t thought of! The archers. What if the cops do the drag on you? One from the front and one from the back?
259
Praxagora:
I’ll just stick my elbows out, like this. They won’t be able to grab me by my waist.
Chorus:
And if they do lift you up in the air, we’ll scream at them to let you go.
First Woman:
Right. We’ve got all that under control… all, that is, except the fact that we mustn’t forget to raise our hands when we vote, like the men do. We women are used to raising our legs, instead!
266
Praxagora:
Hm, that’s a toughie, that one. Nevertheless, we’ve got to vote, so remember: Raise your right hand. Pull the cloak down and raise it bare.
All right. Now, just lift up your skirts and put on those Spartan boots… and hurry! That’s right, just as you see your husbands wearing them when they go off to Parliament or whatever. Now tie on your beards, all of you. Properly! Done? Good. Now put on your husband’s cloak and be careful how you do that also. Good! Now, let me see you leaning on those walking sticks. That’s right. Good, and, as you’re heading off start singing some song that the old men sing. Sing it like the peasants do.
Chorus:
Quite right. Well said!
279
Praxagora:
Let’s go then. I think there are women going to Parliament from the farms, as well, so let’s get there before they do. We’ve got to hurry because you know what it’s like with payment in Parliament: either you’re in by Dawn or you’re given bugger all!
Exit Praxagora and the two women.
285
Chorus:
Well, men, time for us to trot off. And remember, the word is “men.” That’s the word we’ve got to use all the time from now on. Don’t forget that because our life will be in great peril if we get caught dressed up like this and for such a secretive venture.
So come on, men! Let’s be off to the
Parliament.
The Chairman has issued the warning:
Be there at the crack of Dawn,
Be there covered in dust,
Be there happy to have garlic for lunch
Be there with eyes rubbed black
Or else not a penny you’ll get
For your trouble.
Pointing at some “men” who immediately stand “erect.”
Hey, there Tom and Dick and Harry,
Look sharp and get moving!
You’ve got a role to carry,
Play it well, don’t falter
When we get our tickets
At the Parliament’s entrance,
Be sure we sit together
And together we vote as we ladies please.
Oh, no! I said “ladies” the fool.
I meant to say, “men” of course!
It’s time now, let’s go. The men from the bush are going to be there too, so we’ll need to push in. Damn them! When the pay was an obol a day they’d run off to the garland shop instead, and there they’d sit on their bums and gossip all day rather than attend to the city’s affairs.
Now that the pay is a bit more they come and they jostle and shove for a seat! Ah, bring back the days of our generous General Myronides! When he ruled no one dared ask for a handful of silver to serve our city. People would come with lunch sack, a crust of bread a drink, a pair of onions and three olives!
Now they act like common bricklayers, asking for three obols a day while doing their civic duty.
From Praxagora’s door enter Blepyrus. He is wearing a long fine, lacy, white, diaphanous ladies’ shawl over his shoulders and women’s shoes with long straps, dragging loosely around his feet.
He has just got up out of bed.
His face is twisted with pain and he has a tight, anxious grip of his bum with one hand, hoping to control his bowel.
311
Blepyrus:
What on earth is going on around here? Where has my wife run off to?
Looks around him.
It’s damned near Dawn and I still can’t find her.
There I was, wide awake half the bloody night, desperate for a shit, desperately struggling to find my shoes and cloak in the dark, searching everywhere - but everywhere!- and nothing! I couldn’t find a thing. In the meantime, there’s Mr Bum- opener, banging at my rear entrance. What could I do? I grabbed my wife’s cute little shawl and her cute little Persian slippers and rushed out here looking for a place to shit! I’m busting for one!
He looks around anxiously. Runs off Stage Left, farts and immediately runs back on stage again. Still anxiously, he sits down mid-stage to shit.
At
night, anywhere is all right because no one can see you.
But then he peers into the audience, feels uncomfortable, farts, gets up and rushes out Stage Right. More farting before he rushes back on stage again, anxiously holding his bum.
What
an idiot I was, getting married at my old age! I deserve a few good bruises for that… as a memento of the
occasion. Looks around for his wife. Wherever she went it wouldn’t be healthy
for our relationship, I can tell you that for sure... Anyway, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
He rushes back to Stage Right. Again more farting, some groaning and the final herald of evacuation.
Pause.
He enters the stage, still feeling “pressed” however. He obviously did not manage to ease himself totally. He holds his stomach tightly and alternates between that and checking his hands, shawl and slippers. When he turns around we see a yellow patch on the shawl.
From the opposite house we hear the creaking of the window shutters opening. Slowly we see the NEIGHBOUR. He is holding a lamp which he waves about trying to see into the street.
Neighbour:
Who
is it? Who’s there?
Waves the lamp and peers into the darkness
I
don’t suppose it’s my neighbour Blepyrus, is it? Surely not!
Peers some more.
Blepyrus is trying to escape but
he’s unsuccessful. He is still gripping his stomach.
By
Zeus, it IS the very man! Blepyrus!
Peers some more.
Hey…
what’s that yellow patch all over your back? Ha! I see you must have met our
famous poet Kinesias. He’s sprayed
your arse with some of his shitty verses!
Hahahahaha!
Blepyrus:
Gives up any attempt to escape. Farts.
Nononono!
I’ve come out here wearing my wife’s yellow shawl. She loves wearing this little thing.
Neighbour:
Where’s
your cloak?
Blepyrus:
I
wish I could tell you. I’ve looked
for it among the sheets and blankets but just couldn’t find it.
335
Neighbour:
Why
didn’t you ask your wife to tell you where it is?
Blepyrus:
Mightily uncomfortable. Every sentence an obvious indication of defeat and despondency.
No,
by Zeus, I couldn’t ask her. She sneaked out on me. I’m afraid I’m about to cop
some new worry from her.
Neighbour:
Also begins to confess awkwardly.
Eh…
Same damned thing happened to me, by Zeus! Same thing exactly!
My woman took off with my vest. I love that vest! Not only that but
she’s taken my boots as well! Couldn’t find them anywhere!
Blepyrus:
Me
too! My Spartan boots have also
gone. Nowhere to be found, nowhere
to be seen! But I just had to have a bog, so I’ve just slipped into these
little high heels and rushed out here. I couldn’t very well shit in our
blanket, I’ve just had it washed.
Neighbour:
I
wonder what’s going on? Perhaps
some friend of hers invited them for breakfast.
Blepyrus:
A,
ha! That’s most probably what it is! So far as I know my woman is no slut.
351
Neighbour:
Oh,
well. I can see the length of a ship’s cable of shit on your back… I… I’ve got to go to Parliament
now. That is, if I can find my
cloak! It’s the only bloody cloak
I possess!
Blepyrus:
Holding his stomach tightly and anxiously.
Me,
too. As soon as I… finish my… as
soon as I get rid of…
With excruciating pain.
By
Zeus! I need a shit badly! My
bloody bum hole is totally blocked by some wild choke pear or something.
Nothing can get out of there.
Neighbour:
The
sort of blocking our Thrasyboulos did to the Spartans?
Blepyrus:
Yes,
by Dionysius!
Show of agony
It sure got me in a tight
spot.
Neighbour, chuckles, waves good bye and goes back inside his house.
Blepyrus:
To the audience
What
the hell am I going to do now? And
not only now but what will happen when I eat something?
Anxiously
Where
will all the shit flow?
Indicating his bum.
This
mister Wild Pear has locked and thoroughly bolted the rear exit…
Anxiously peering into the crowd
Is
there a doctor in the house? Can
someone go and get me one? Who
though? Who’s a good bum purger, I
wonder… Anyone know Amynos?
No? Anyhow he’ll
probably say no.
Spins around anxiously, urgently
and in sheer agony.
Somebody
please call Antisthenes, hurry! Do
whatever it takes. He’s the
one! When it comes to groaning,
moaning and whining he knows a bum hole that needs licking! Not a great doctor but what a
politician, ey?
He falls to his knees in agony then raises his hands in prayer
Oh,
Ilithia! Goddess of the pregnant
womb! I beg you! Don’t ignore my
pain!
Here
I sit, trying to shit but the gate’s shut and bolted!
They’ll
turn me into a potty for some comic stage!
Blepyrus squats and looks around him. He tightens his face as he tries variously to evacuate. Occasionally he’ll check to see whether he’s done anything.
Time passes as the light on the stage increases gently.
Suddenly he realises he’s about to be freed of his burden. He picks up the lengthy shawl and runs behind the curtain on Stage Right.
Enter Chremes Stage Left, carrying a shopping bag. He looks across and sees Blepyrus.
372
Chremes:
Oi! What do you think you’re doing down
there!
Suddenly shocked by the realization.
You’re
NOT dropping a bog, are you?
We hear the loud noise of the long anticipated evacuation.
Then, with a look of relief on his face, he enters the stage.
Blepyrus:
Who,
me? O, nonononono!
Looks back to where he was.
At
least not any more. Here I am,
finally standing up!
Chremes:
Still suspicious. Looks around and there’s a short game of “hide the sin.”
Why
are you wearing your wife’s shawl?
Blepyrus:
This
little ol’ thing? Just grabbed it
in the dark by mistake.
Changing the subject.
Tell
me, where are you coming from?
Chremes:
From
Parliament.
Blepyrus:
Is
it out already?
Chremes:
Been
out since the break of day, by Zeus!
Laughs.
You
should have seen the late-comers!
They were sprayed with so much ochre, there was ochre all around! What a laugh!
Blepyrus:
So,
you did get your three obols, I presume.
380
Chremes:
I
wish! No, I was too late!
Shame! Shame! I’ve got to explain to my purse now why
it’s empty!
Blepyrus:
So…
you got absolutely nothing then?
Chremes:
Absolutely
nothing… except my shopping bag.
Blepyrus:
But
why were you late?
Chremes:
A
huge crowd of men turned up. Like never before. They just all turned up at the Parliament. Just like that, the whole throng
together, and at the same time. I
took one look at them and thought they must have all been cobblers. Pale. As if
the sun never saw their faces. The
whole place was pale… so neither I nor a whole lot of others near me got any
money.
Blepyrus:
So,
I won’t get anything either if I go, ey?
390
Chremes:
Where
from? You’d never get anything
after the cock’s second crow!
Blepyrus:
Oh
no! Bugger me dead!
He falls to his knees and prays, mocking Aeschylus the tragedian
“Oh
Antilochus, do not lament the loss of the three obols
but
do lament the living man! Me, Blepyrus, for all I had is no more!”
Gets up again.
But
what the hell was it that brought out such a huge throng, so early?
Chremes:
What
else but the fact that the Chairman has placed in the agenda the question about
how to save the city. There he
was, the first of them all, Mister Crusty Eyes Neocleidis, jumps up out of his
seat, gropes his way to the speaker’s chair and gets ready to speak. The crowd though, begins to yell, “get
off!” And “How dreadful it is that this person dares to lecture us on the ways
of saving our city when he can’t even save his own little eyeballs?” To which
old Neocleidis looks all round him and yells, “what the hell can I do about
it?”
Blepyrus:
I’d
have told him, “grind a bit of garlic with the milk of the fig tree, add some
sow-thistle and apply it on your eyelids every night.” That’s if I was there… but I wasn’t!
Chremes:
Then,
out comes our real genius, Eveon, wearing absolutely nothing, though he tried
to convince the people that he was, indeed, wearing a cloak. His words were
very… democratic! He said, “As you can see, folks, I’m also in need of salvation. Just a mere silver drachma
would do it, really. Anyhow, I’m
still going to tell you how you can save the city and its people. The moment
the sun turns his back on us and is replaced by winter, the manufacturers of
clothes should give cloaks free to anyone who asks for them. That way, no one among us will catch
pleurisy. As well, those who don’t own a bed or a blanket, should go to the tanners - after they’ve had a wash
- and if a tanner dares slam his doors to him, well, we should fine him three
furs.”
421
Blepyrus:
By
Dionysus! What helpful ideas! And
he should have added that our great grain mogul, Nausicydis, and other grain
dealers should also give away to the poor, three kilos of grain for their
supper or else these dealers would end up crying for a long time. Now that suggestion would get Eveon
unanimous agreement!
Chremes:
Then,
after Eveon a pale, handsome young man who looked just like our General Nikias,
jumped to his feet and spoke to everyone. He… he argued that we should hand
over the running of Athens to the women!
Well! Everyone thundered with cries of “well said!” They were all those cobblers I was
telling you about. But then the
farmers began whispering and whining.
Blepyrus:
Because,
by Zeus, they’ve got brains!
Chremes:
But
they were fewer in number so the speaker told them to shut up. He said a whole
lot of good things about the women but he said some nasty things about you!
Blepyrus:
Like
what?
Chremes:
First,
that you’re a right old bastard!
Blepyrus:
What
about you? What did he call you?
Chremes:
I’ll
tell you in a minute. Then he
called you a thief.
Blepyrus:
Me? Only me?
Chremes:
That’s
right, only you. And, by Zeus, he
called you an informer as well.
Blepyrus:
Just
me?
Chremes:
That’s
right, Blepyrus. You and Indicating the audience most of these people
here, too! Thieves and informers.
Dobbers. Squealers. Right old bastards the bloody lot of them.
445
Blepyrus:
Stares at the audience for a minute.
Indicating them.
Well,
that’s true. That’s undeniable, by Hermes.
Chremes:
And
he also said that whilst we, men, all cheat each other and don’t return
borrowed things, the women, help each other, lend each other anything from
dresses to jewellery, money, cups and saucers and they do it alone and without
the presence of witnesses and wankers; and they return everything on time.
Blepyrus:
Yes,
by Poseidon! We cheat even with
witnesses present!
454
Chremes:
And
he went on and on about all this, praising them. Gave a whole eulogy on
them! They don’t snitch, don’t
sue, don’t destroy our democracy… lots of other great virtues.
Blepyrus:
And
what did he propose?
Chremes:
That
the city be turned over to the women. It was thought that this was the only
thing the city hasn’t ever tried.
Blepyrus:
And
this proposal passed?
Chremes:
My
words exactly. Absolutely!
Blepyrus:
And
these women are now in charge of everything that we were in charge of?
Chremes:
Yep. Exactly right. They’re in charge.
460
Blepyrus:
So…
instead of me going to court, from now on it’ll be my wife?
Chremes:
Nor
will you be raising your children any more. Your missus will be in charge of that.
Blepyrus:
So…
I won’t need to moan and groan every morning, worrying about our daily bread?
Chremes:
By
Zeus, no! Oh, no, mate! From now on, it’s the wife who’ll be
doing all the worrying. No need to
moan, groan or worry about a thing.
Just stay home and…
Blepyrus farts.
…fart
all day!
Blepyrus:
Hmmm. I… I fear for us, you know? I fear that for men of our age, when
these women take over they’ll force us… they’ll force us to… well, you know, to…
Chremes;
To
do what?
Blepyrus:
What
else? To have sex with them, man!
And if we won’t be able to do it then we won’t even get breakfast!
Chremes:
Stupid
man! You can do this, can’t you? Indicates cunnilingus. Do
it and you’ll get both, breakfast and sex!
Blepyrus:
But
it sure is awful when you’re forced to do it!
Chremes:
But
if it’s the will of the city then everyone must obey.
Blepyrus:
Yes,
I suppose. There is an old wife’s
tale that no matter how stupid or moronic our city’s advice, things will still
turn out for the best.
Chremes:
Raises his hands in prayer.
Well,
Goddess Athena and all the rest of you gods, I sure hope that things do turn
out for the best. I’ve got to go. Cheers, mate!
Exit Chremes Stage Right. Blepyrus goes back into his home.
A second after Chremes disappears, we hear him yell in anger because he had stepped upon Blepyrus’ shit.
Enter the women, dressed in men’s clothes and stamping their feet. (Care should be taken not to drown the voice of the speaker.)
Mrs
Lush:
Let’s
go, girls!
Are
there any men following us? Take a good look all around.
There
are lots of sleazy bastards around, checking out the shape of our bums. Watch
out for them, you never know one of them might be right up you. And stamp your
feet loudly as you go along and keep your cloaks tightly wrapped.
Mrs
Generous:
Stay
close and look about you carefully.
That’s right, look both left and right!
If
this thing gets out and our husbands find out, both, shame and catastrophe will
fall upon us and upon our scheme.
Mrs
Happy:
Here
we are, girls. This is where we’ve
started off on our journey to Parliament.
Kick
the dust high!
Shouts of jubilation.
There’s
our good General’s house.
Indicates Praxagora’s house.
She
came up with the plan that the citizens of Athens have enacted.
More shouts of jubilation
Right. Now there’s no need to have these
beards hanging off our faces any more, so take them off. Someone might see us
in the full light of the sun, so let’s go there by the wall’s shade. Keep your eyes peeled girls. Change your clothes again, change them
back to as you were before.
Mrs
Lush:
Hurry
up! I can see our General coming this way now. She’s back from Parliament. Hurry everyone.
Get rid of all that facial hair.
Ghastly stuff we had to put up with all this time.
Women take off the beards and are in various states of clothes-changing when Praxagora enters.
504
Praxagora:
Wonderful,
girls! Success! Luck on our side
and things turned out as we wanted them to turn out. That’s right, hurry now and get these cloaks off you before
anyone sees you. Your shoes, too.
You, Sostrati, undo those Spartan horse reins!
Indicating the laces on the
Spartan Boots.
All
of you, throw away the walking sticks and you, Mrs Lush, get all this stuff
together. Indicating the shoes, clothes, sticks etc.
I
think I better sneak back into the house before hubby sees me. I better put his cloak and all this
other stuff back where I took it from.
Mrs Lush and other women gather all the clothes.
Mrs
Happy:
All
done, o, great one! We got rid of
everything just as you said. Now please guide our next move, Praxagora and tell
us how to do well whatever you ask of us;
because never in my life have I met a woman as awesome as you! That’s for sure!
Praxagora:
Then
wait for me here and I’ll make you all my counsellors for the office they’ve
elected me. You were absolutely manly back there, with all that clamour and
hassle that was going on, too!
Enter Blepyrus from his house, sees his wife and yells with anger.
Blepyrus:
You! It’s you! Where have you been,
Praxagora?
520
Praxagora:
Since
when is that your business, Blepyrus?
Blepyrus:
Oh,
that’s charming! That’s very
charming indeed! My business! And
what innocence I see in your face!
Praxagora:
Oh,
no! You’re going to start yapping
on about being at my lover’s house, now, right?
Blepyrus:
One
lover? ONE lover? More like a fleet of them!
Praxagora:
Don’t
aggravate yourself; it’s easy to check me out.
Blepyrus:
What
do you mean? Check you out, how?
Praxagora:
Come
and smell my hair. See if there’s
any perfume in it.
525
Blepyrus:
What
do you mean, perfume? Since when
do you women need perfume in your hair to get a fuck?
Praxagora:
Well,
I do… unfortunately.
Blepyrus:
So
why did you run out of the house with my clothes so early and so quietly?
Praxagora:
A
woman, a close friend of mine was overcome by great pain in the middle of the
night and I had to go and see her.
Blepyrus:
So
why didn’t you say something before you ran off like that?
Praxagora:
Surely
you understand I had to think about the condition the poor pregnant woman was
in, darling.
Blepyrus:
Still,
you could have told me first!
There’s something awful in all this!
Praxagora:
I
swear by the two goddesses. The woman who came for me told me to get there as
quickly as possible, so I went just as I was.
535
Blepyrus:
Well
then why not wear your own cloak? But no!
You had to run off with my cloak and throw your shawl over me, leaving
me looking like a corpse ready for the hearse! A wreath and an urn and I’d be ready.
Praxagora:
It
was freezing outside, darling and I’m thin and feeble of health. That’s why I
needed this to keep warm, but you!
I left you in your blankets, all warm and snug.
Thinks a little
Blepyrus:
But
with you ran off the stick and the Spartan boots. Why is that?
Praxagora:
So
I can save your cloak from thieves.
I took the stick, wore the Spartan boots and stomped my feet on the
cobble stones, making as much noise as I could, so that the thieves would think
I was you.
Blepyrus:
Have
you any idea how much wheat I could have got us with the three obols I’d be
given if I’d got to Parliament? A
whole bucket of it! Nearly twenty litres of it!
550
Praxagora:
Ah,
don’t worry, Blepyrus, she had a boy!
Blepyrus:
Who
had a boy, Parliament?
Praxagora:
No,
stupid, the woman I went to. She had a boy so I’ll be getting a gift worth much
more than the miserable three obols…
So Parliament sat?
Blepyrus:
By
Zeus, yes! Don’t you remember? I
told you yesterday!
Praxagora:
Ah,
yes! Now I remember.
Blepyrus:
Well,
have you heard what was decided?
Praxagora:
Not
me. How could I?
Blepyrus:
Well,
my darling wife, sit yourself down and enjoy your cuttlefish. They’ve voted to
hand the city over to you women.
Praxagora:
To
do what with it? Is there some
weaving to be done?
She seats at the platform
Blepyrus:
God
no. They want you to govern!
Praxagora:
Govern? Govern who?
Blepyrus:
Every
bit of the city’s business.
Praxagora:
By
Aphrodite! What a blessed future
this city will have!
Blepyrus:
Blessed? How is that going to happen?
Praxagora:
In
many ways. From now on no one will
dare behave shamefully in this city.
And there’ll be no more perjurers or sycophants –
Blepyrus:
Interrupts her
Good
gods! Please! Don’t do that. How will we make a
living?
Neighbour’s door opens and neighbour enters
Neighbour:
Come
on, mate, let your missus talk!
565
Praxagora:
Right! There’ll be no more purse snatchers, no
more envy, no more nudity, no more poverty, no more disputes, no more
repossessing…
Neighbour:
By
Poseidon! That would be fantastic – if she’s not lying, that is!
Praxagora:
I’ll
show you whether I’m lying or not. You be my witness and when this becomes
true, hubby here will shut up with his constant criticism!
Mrs
Lush:
Now
is the time when you need to use your mind, Praxagora!
A
powerful mind, packed to the brim with wisdom and prudence, to defend our
sisters.
Your
lips never cease to utter the wise words that benefit our people in a myriad of
ways.
Mrs
Generous:
Now
is the time, Praxagora, to show us just what your mind can do.
Mrs
Happy:
Our
city needs some wise person’s solution.
Mrs
Lush:
Tell
us all about it.
Mrs
Generous:
Make
sure that nothing is said or done before.
Mrs
Happy:
Pointing to the audience
The
folk hate to see repeats.
Mrs
Lush:
All
right then, don’t waste any time. Begin immediately.
Mrs
Generous:
Put
your ideas in practice straight away.
Mrs
Happy:
Spectators
love quick action more than anything else.
Praxagora:
Mrs
Lush, Mrs Generous and you, too, Mrs Happy, I’m certain that my ideas are
useful but I’m not so sure that the spectators will like the new action. That’s the stuff which worries me about
this lot. (Peers into the audience). I think they prefer to watch the
old ancient action, instead.
586
Neighbour:
Ohhhh,
no, don’t worry Praxagora. So far as that goes, have no fear. Our way is to
always abandon the old and well tested ideas and embrace the new ones.
Praxagora:
In
that case, I don’t want anyone to argue with me or to interrupt me until she
has listened to the whole speech and has a full understanding of my whole plan.
Pause as she waits for a response
Good.
Now, I suggest that all things be owned by everyone in common and everyone
should be able to draw a pay and have an equal standard of living. They should
all draw pay from the same funds. Let’s have no more of this rich man-poor man
stuff. None of this, one man farming huge paddocks and the other owning less
land than what he needs for his grave. None of this one man owning a crowd of
slaves and another not even a single servant. My law says, one law for
everyone, one standard for all.
Blepyrus:
How
can you make one law for everyone?
595
Praxagora:
Easy. Remember this motto: The only thing
you’ll eat before me is shit! The rest is equal time, equal serve.
Blepyrus:
You’re
making shit-eating a common practice too, are you?
Praxagora:
No,
Blepyrus, but you’ve interrupted me. I was about to explain that very
thing. The first thing I’ll do is
to put common ownership to all the land.
The same with the money and every other thing which is, at the moment,
owned by individuals. And it is this common wealth that we women will harvest
with prudent saving and a careful intelligence.
601
Neighbour:
What
about those among us who posses no land but who have loads of silver and gold
coins, like the Persian Darics for example?
Praxagora:
Well,
they’ll just have to deposit it to the central fund.
Blepyrus:
And
if they doesn’t deposit it then they’ll have to lie and commit perjury… which
is the way they’ve got it in the first place! Hahaha!
Praxagora:
In
any case, what use will it be to them?
None!
Blepyrus:
Why
not?
605
Praxagora:
Because
there will be no one working because he’s forced by poverty. None of us will be lacking in
anything. We’ll have bread, salt,
fish fillets, cloaks to wear, wine to drink, garlands, chick peas, the
lot. So what’s the point in not depositing their coins?
Let me know if you can see it.
Blepyrus:
But those men who have all this stuff do so because they’re the biggest thieves
around!
Praxagora:
That’s
right, darling! That’s all due to
the laws we have now, under the current system but when this new system is
established and everything is deposited in a common fund and everyone would be
living from it, how would it profit anyone to keep from depositing his stuff?
Blepyrus:
But
then… if a man sees a lovely girl and he would just love to buy her for a night
of… of games, he’ll appear to the “common fund” draw out the price she’s after
and go off and screw her.
Praxagora:
No,
there’ll be no need to draw any funds.
He’ll be able to sleep with her for free. No charge, no price. These girls will also become part of
the common property law. Men will
be able to sleep with them whenever they want and, if they want, make babies
with them.
615
Blepyrus:
Well! In that case, every man will be running
to the prettiest girl for his fuck.
Praxagora:
No,
all the ugly ones and the ones with the twisted noses will stand next to the
cute ones; and if the man wants the cute one he’ll have to fuck the ugly ones
first.
Blepyrus:
By
Zeus, Praxagora! What about us, oldies? If we’ve got to go with the ugly ones
first, by the time we get back to the cuties, our cocks would be useless. There’ll be nothing left in them.
Praxagora:
Hahaha! Don’t worry, sweetheart, they won’t be
fighting over you. Don’t ever be afraid of that.
Blepyrus:
Fight? What do you mean fight?
Praxagora:
I
mean, the cute ones. They won’t be
fighting to fuck with you. Anyhow,
this problem about a useless cock… it’s there already with you, isn’t it?
Blepyrus:
How
wise you are about your own, womanish affairs. You’ve got it worked out so that
no woman’s hole is left empty but what about the men? What are you doing about us, because, as I see it, the cute
women will go right past us ugly ones and go fuck with the handsome ones.
Praxagora:
The
ugly men like you should follow the cute bums when the dinner party is over and
watch where they take their public walks because my laws will prohibit the tall
and beautiful women to sleep with those young men unless they first serve the
wishes of you, the ugly and the short.
630
Blepyrus:
Hahaha! So now ugly-nosed Lysicrates will be
lifting his nose up in pride along with all those perfectly-nosed handsome
youths! Oh my!
Neighbour:
By
Apollo, that’s right! What a great
idea and how Democratic! What a laugh
it would be when a bright young stallion, wearing his golden rings is told by
someone wearing crude clogs, “hey buddy, hold on a while, wait till I’m
finished and then I’ll let you have the leftovers!”
Blepyrus:
Thinks a bit
But
then this sort of life won’t allow us to recognise our own kids.
Praxagora:
And
why should we? This sort of life
will make them consider all men past a certain age as their fathers.
Blepyrus:
Oh
nononono, Praxagora! That’s too
worrying a thought for me. The
kids already want to strangle their fathers, the ones they know for certain are
their fathers. With your rules
these kids will not only want to strangle them but shit on them as well!
641
Praxagora:
No,
silly! The bystanders will step in
and save them. Before my laws, no
one would give a damn about who’s beating whose father. Now though, if they hear that some man
is being beaten, they’ll be worried that the old man was their own father and
they’d run to the old man’s side.
Blepyrus:
Sure,
Praxagora. Nothing wrong with what you’re saying but… the thought of Mr Fatso
and Mr Baldy coming up to me and calling me “daddy” puts the wind up me.
646
Neighbour:
Ha! I can think of something even more
frightful!
Blepyrus:
Like
what?
Neighbour:
If
Mr Turdlover comes to you, calls you “pappy” and gives you a big smooch! Hahaha!
Blepyrus:
Just
let him try! Boy will he regret it!
Neighbour:
And
you, my friend would smell of heavenly mint!
Praxagora:
Nothing
to worry about. Turdlover was born
before our decree so he can’t give you that kiss.
650
Blepyrus:
Decree
or no decree, he’d still be sorry if he kissed me… but… who’ll be doing the
farming, Praxagora?
Praxagora:
The
farming will be done by the slaves.
Your only concern will be to get all dressed up and oiled up around ten
in the evening and go off to your dinner party.
Blepyrus:
Ah!
Another valid question, I think, concerns clothing. What of them? Where do we
get them from?
Praxagora:
Make
use of what you’ve got now. Later we’ll weave you new ones.
655
Blepyrus:
And
then there’s the question about fines. Suppose someone gets sued and the judges
give him a fine. Where will he get
the money, surely you don’t think it’s fair for him to extract it from the
common funds!
Praxagora:
But
there won’t be any hearings, Blepyrus!
Blepyrus:
To the Neighbour
Those
words, my dear friend, will be your undoing!
Neighbour:
I
think so too!
Praxagora:
But,
darling what will anyone sue anyone for?
Blepyrus:
Ha! By Apollo! I can mention lots of things! First of all there’s the situation
where someone won’t pay his debt.
Praxagora:
Where
did the lender get the money from in the first place, if all the money belongs
to everyone? Obviously, he’s a
thief!
Neighbour:
Quite
right, by Demeter! You’re quite
right!
Blepyrus:
All
right, answer this question for me then: There’s a dinner party and afterwards
it gets all nasty, drunks fighting each other and so on. They’ll end up getting to court and
told to pay fines for assault. How
will they do that? This will get
you thinking!
665
Praxagora:
Whoever
is fined will have his bread rations reduced. That reduction will hit him hard,
in his belly! Next time he wants to assault anyone, he’ll have to think twice
about it!
Blepyrus:
So
you think no one will be a thief?
Praxagora:
Why
would he? He’d be stealing from something he’s a shareholder in.
Blepyrus:
No
more… stripping off in the middle of the night?
Neighbour:
Nope,
not if you sleep at home!
Praxagora:
Not
even as in the old days when you used to get out. No one will bother you
because everyone will have everything they’ll need for a happy life. If someone
wants to strip you of your cloak then you just simply give it to him. What’s the point of fighting about it
when you can run off and pick a better one from the common lot?
Blepyrus:
What about gambling? Won’t folk
gamble with dice?
Praxagora:
What
would be the point in that? To win
what exactly?
Blepyrus:
And
what sort of life-style will you create for the citizens?
Praxagora:
The
same life-style for everyone. I’ll
turn the whole city into one huge, happy household by smashing down all the
walls which now separate them and turn them into one building so that everyone
can walk through everyone else’s place.
675
Blepyrus:
That’s
silly. Where will we have our
dinner?
Praxagora:
Dinner? I’ll turn all the court rooms and all
the covered footpaths into eating places.
Blepyrus:
Constantly thinking of new objections
What
about Parliament and the speaker’s platform?
Praxagora:
That’s
where I’ll store all our cutlery, crockery, water jugs and suchlike. The children will be able to get up
there and recite poems about heroes as well as about cowards with whom they’d
be ashamed to share a meal.
Blepyrus:
By Apollo, that’s a great idea! It
sure makes me happy. Now, what
about all those ballot boxes?
Praxagora:
The
ballot boxes will be placed in the centre of the market place, by Harmodius’
statue and I’ll have an official who’ll tell everyone which dining hall they
should go. They’ll draw a letter out of that box and the official will tell
them to which hall that letter corresponds. The letter “B” for example will
take you to the “Basilium” Dining hall. The letter “Theta” will take you to the
neighbouring one and the letter “Kapa” will go to the hall where they sell the
flour.
Blepyrus:
“Kapa”
for capes?
Praxagora:
What
do you mean, capes? They go there to eat!
Blepyrus:
What
about those who won’t manage to draw a letter? Will they be ejected out of the dining hall by all the
others?
689
Praxagora:
That
won’t be happening with us, women.
We’ll be supplying every man with all his needs. Imagine this: Every man
will be able to leave his dinner party drunk, still wearing his garland and
carrying a torch to find his way home. And while he’s walking, a woman will
approach them and talk to them sweetly like this, “Come with us, sweetie, come
to our place. There’s a stunning
looking girl in here.” And from
the second-storey window, another woman will call out, “Over here,
darling. There’s a beautiful young
girl here, pale white skin… of course you’d have to screw me before you screw
her.”
As
well, the ugly men will run after the young, handsome studs and yell at them,
“Ey! You there, young man, where
are you going in such a hurry? In
any case, you’ll get no action in there even if you did go. These pretty ones
in there will have to fuck the ugly folk, like me first, the ones with the flat
noses. You… you can grab your
two-fig branch and wank, there, in the doorway, if you’re in too much of a
hurry!”
So,
tell me, men, did you like all this?
Both
Men:
Totally!
Praxagora:
Well,
then I’ll go and find a girl with a loud voice to use as my crier and then go
off to the marketplace to accept all the goods as they arrive. Being elected the leader, I need to do
these things. Then I’ll have to
organise the dinner for you all so that you can all have your first orgy
tonight.
Blepyrus:
We
are starting the orgies tonight?
Praxagora:
My
words, exactly. Then I’ll want to
stop all the prostitutes from trading.
Blepyrus:
Whaaaaat? But whyyyyy?
Neighbour:
Why? Isn’t that obvious?
(Indicating the chorus)
She
wants to put the whores out of business so that these ugly crows can get their
young pricks! According to the new laws!
Praxagora:
As
well, the slave girls won’t be allowed to adorn themselves in any way so as to
steal the fervour of the young, free men. They’d only be allowed to fuck with
other slaves and have their little pinkies trimmed in the manner of a woollen
underskirt. Very rough!
She turns to leave. Blepyrus follows closely behind.
725
Blepyrus:
Praxagora,
darling, I’d like to follow you around, so that everyone can see me beside you
and say, “Well, look at that!
That’s the Commander’s husband!”
Both, Blepyrus and Praxagora exit into their house.
Neighbour:
I
better go too. If I’ve got to take
all my possessions to the marketplace, I’d better get them all together and
check out what I’ve got.
Exit Neighbour into his house.
From the Neighbour’s house, we hear noises pertaining to the shifting of furniture, collecting household items, breaking things, etc. Eventually, Neighbour and his two slaves, Sicon and Parmenon enter, carrying the household items and one by one, line them up on the street. Neighbour talks fondly and emotionally to each of the articles. It is the separation of close friends.
While this is going on, a man enters, stands at a corner and watches the activity with some emotional involvement, yet with quite some state of perplexity.
Neighbour:
Come,
my darling Sieve, pretty little thing, so white from all those bags of flour
you’ve sieved. Come outside, my sweet and stand here, in front of the parade,
the first of all my belongings.
Now who’s going to be my Number Two in the parade? Ah! The Casserole!
Come out here, sweetheart!
By Zeus! You’re all
black! Did Lysicrates use you to
boil that black poison of his, to make his hair dye? Come, stand here, next to the Sieve. You, too, my Dresser, my box of
scissors and eyebrow pluckers and make-up, come! Come my Water Jug.
To the slave carrying the jug.
Jug
Bearer, bring that cute jug over here… that’s right, right here!
The other slave comes out holding
a hand mill in the shape of a lyre.
Ah,
my darling Lyre Mill! You, too, come out here and we’ll make you the Musician
of our parade! The number of times you’ve woken me up for Parliament, with your
delightful song. Early, so early
in the morning, it was still night!
Now,
who’s got the tub?
A slave indicates he does.
Well,
come on then, our here.
To the other slave.
You,
bring out the honeycombs and place them next to the olive branches. And the two Tripods and the Oil
Flasks. Bring them all down here.
All things are eventually brought out and arranged on the stage
All,
here? Good. Now let all the little
potlets follow from behind.
Pause
Man:
Snaps out of the involvement.
To the audience
Ha! Me? No way! I’d
never deposit my possession to the common coffers. I’d be an idiot to do so and
a bit screwed in the head, I think! By Poseidon, never! Not before I scrutinise
the situation over and over again and think about it for a very long time. I’m not going to throw away the fruit
of my labour and all those careful savings, just like that, thoughtlessly. I’d need to be convinced first about
how the whole thing will turn out.
To the Neighbour
Hey,
there! What’s with all these
household goods? Are you moving
house or are you using them as collateral for a loan?
755
Neighbour:
Neither!
Man:
So
why have you got them all lined up like that? Are you marching them off to Hieron’s auction house?
Neighbour:
By
Zeus, no! We’re off to the marketplace. They’ll be deposited to the city’s
coffers according to the new law.
Man:
You’re
giving them to the city?
Neighbour:
But
of course!
Man:
What
an idiot! By Zeus the saviour,
what an idiot you are!
Neighbour:
What
do you mean?
Man:
What
do you mean, “what do I mean?”
Look at you!
Neighbour:
What
do you mean, “look at me?” Aren’t
I supposed to obey the laws of the city?
Man:
What
do you mean “the laws of the city,”
stupid?
Neighbour:
What
do you mean, “what laws?” The laws
that have just been enacted!
Man:
What
do you mean, “enacted?” How can
you be so stupid?
Neighbour:
What
do you mean, “stupid?”
Man:
What
do you mean, “what do I mean by stupid?” I mean “stupid!” I mean you’re the stupidest man of all!
Neighbour:
You
mean… because I’m obeying orders?
Man:
I
mean…Do smart men obey orders?
Neighbour:
But
of course they do! Always!
Man:
No,
that’s not what the smart man does.
That’s the act of an idiot.
Neighbour:
So,
you’re thinking of not presenting your stuff?
Man:
I’m
thinking of being very careful with this law. I’ll see what the rest of the people do first.
Neighbour:
They’re
all getting their stuff ready to deposit them in the city’s coffers, that’s
what they’re all doing.
770
Man:
Sure,
sure. I’ll be convinced of that when I see it with my own two eyes.
Neighbour:
But
the whole town is talking about it.
Man:
That’s
right, they’re “talking” about it!
Doesn’t mean they’ll be doing it.
Neighbour:
That’s
what they’re promising to do.
They’re promising to take them in.
Man:
Of
course, they are, of course they are!
Neighbour:
Man,
you’re stressing me out with all this doubt of yours!
Man:
Doubt? But of course, they’ll doubt!
Neighbour:
Zeus
fuck you man!
Man:
Fuck? Sure they’ll get fucked. Do you think that those with a brain
will turn in all their possessions?
Oh no! It’s not part of our
ethnic ethic.
Neighbour:
So
you think we all should just… take from the city and give nothing back?
779
Man:
By
Zeus, yes! Of course! Same with the gods. Check it out
yourself. Every time we go there
to pray to them, what do they do?
There they are, hands stretched out, palms up, obviously not so that
they may give but that they may be given something.
Neighbour:
Enough,
you thieving wanker! Let me get on
with it. I need to tie all this
stuff together… Now where did I put my rope?
Man:
So,
you’re really taking them to the marketplace?
Neighbour:
Finds the rope, picks up the two tripods and ties them together.
What
do you think I’m doing with these tripods?
Man:
You’re
being totally stupid. What a moron
you are, not waiting to see what the rest of the people do about this. At least then and only then –
Neighbour:
Interrupts
And
then do what, then!
790
Man:
Then,
you wait even a little longer, and then a little longer, and then a little
longer and then you forget it!
Neighbour:
For
what reason?
Man:
We’ve
got earthquakes happening all the time, fires, bad luck, black cat dashing
across your path. Who knows what! Stuff which will put an end to all these
handouts, you great ox!
Neighbour:
Gets back to his work
What
a fine ox I’d be if I got to the depository and there was no more room for me
to deposit these things!
Man:
Ha! Are you worried you might miss your turn? Don’t worry, mate. They’ll manage to get them off your
hands sooner or later.
Neighbour:
Now
what do you mean?
Man:
What
I mean is that I know these people in our Parliament really well. They rush to vote for something one day
and the next they reject it.
Neighbour:
Don’t
worry, they’ll all be there with their chattels.
800
Man:
And
if they don’t?
Neighbour:
Don’t
you worry, they will!
Man:
And
if they don’t?
Neighbour:
Annoyed
Well
then, we’ll fight the bastards.
Man:
What
if they’re more than you?
Neighbour:
If
there are more of them then I’ll just leave it all to them. I’ll just walk
away!
Man:
What
if they go and sell all your stuff?
Neighbour:
Shove
off, will you?
Man:
What
if I shove off?
Neighbour:
If
you shove off you’ll be doing us all a great service.
Man:
So…
you really want to hand over all your stuff?
Neighbour:
Of
course I do and I can see all my own neighbours doing so, as well.
Indicates the third house.
Man:
Ha! Antisthenes? Sure, sure!
He’d rather have a thirty-day long shit than hand over his purse. Antishenes! Hahahaha!
Neighbour:
Charges towards him
Damn
you! Piss off!
Man:
And
what about Callimachus, the dancing teacher. Is he going to deposit anything?
810
Neighbour:
He’s
going to deposit more than Calias, that’s for sure! The damned squanderer!
Man:
To the audience, anxiously.
This
man is going to toss away his whole estate!
Neighbour:
You’re
exaggerating a bit, aren’t you?
Man:
What
do you mean, “exaggerating?” I see
laws like this one enacted all the time… Remember the one on salt?
Neighbour:
Sure
I do.
Man:
And
what about when we all voted to bring in those stupid, useless copper
coins. Remember that, too? In one day out the next! Remember?
Neighbour:
Damn
it, do I! I’ve lost so much money
with that rubbish! I had just gathered all my grapes, sold them, got paid in
those coppers and then went off to the market to buy barley. No sooner I open my bag to pay for it
and the herald shouts, “no more coppers!
No more coppers! We’re only
using silver now!” Bastard of a
vote that one!
Man:
And
then it wasn’t that long ago that we all voted Eurippides’ laws for the two and
a half percent tax hike which was to raise five hundred talents for the
city! Five hundred talents! Wow, we all thought, what a golden boy
this Eurippides is. But then, a
few days later, we checked it out thoroughly and what did we see? Bedbugs in
Zeus’ blankets! Bullshit! So, our
so called “golden Eurippides” ended up being our “bastard Eurippides!”
Neighbour:
Not
the same at all, mate! Just not
the same. See, the place was run by us, the men those days. Now it’s led by women! Very different!
Man:
Oh,
women, or not, don’t worry! I’ll
be very careful, by Poseidon! I
don’t want them pissing all over me!
Neighbour:
Pissing
all over you? Pissing all over
you? Mate, I really have no idea what you’re crapping on about!
Enter a female Herald
834
Female
Herald:
Hear
me, hear me, hear me, all you citizens of Athens! All citizens are henceforth included in this proclamation.
All
of you quickly go over to our Lady Commander’s place so that Luck can declare
where each of you will dine tonight. All the tables are now fully ready and
loaded with every delicious morsel.
The couches, too, are dressed with covers and cushions. The wine is being served and the girls
who sell the scents are waiting for you.
The fish fillets are being barbecued, the hares are on the spit, the
bread rolls are in the oven, the garlands are being plaited, crunchies are
being roasted, the young girls are cooking chick pea soup and Smoeus the cunt
lover is there with them, in his riding suit, licking clean the women’s
bowls. Geron is there, also. He’s
thrown away his cheap old boots and worn our cloak and he’s now wearing a brand
new suit and new boots, and he’s chatting up a young stud.
Come
all you citizens of Athens, for all this is waiting for you. Your bread is waiting for you – all you
need to do is… open wide!
Exit female Herald
Man:
Wonderful! I’ll be off then. Why hang around here when all this is
the city’s will?
855
Neighbour:
Oi! Where do you think you’re off to? You haven’t deposited your stuff!
Man:
I’m
off to dinner! Why?
Neighbour:
No
way! They won’t feed you before
you deposit your household goods.
Not if they have any sense, they won’t!
Man:
Don’t
worry, friend. I will deposit
them. Believe me, I will!
Neighbour:
When?
Man:
Don’t
worry, mate. I won’t be holding
anyone up.
Neighbour:
What
do you mean, “I won’t be holding anyone up?”
Man:
What
do you mean, “what I mean?” I mean that there will still be others who will be
depositing even after me. That’s
what I mean, what I mean!
Neighbour:
But
still, you’re going to dinner before you deliver!
860
Man:
Of
course I will. What choice do I
have? Right-minded people must
obey the call of their city and run to help as best they can.
Neighbour:
What
if they stop you?
Man:
I’ll
lower my head and walk through.
Neighbour:
They’ll
whip you.
Man:
If
they dare do that, I’ll sue them.
Neighbour:
Ha! They’ll laugh at you.
Man:
Well,
if they do that, I’ll just stand in the doorway and…
Neighbour:
And
what? Tell me what you would do?
Man:
I’d
stand there, wait for the food to arrive and pinch it as it goes into the
dining hall.
Neighbour:
You
better walk after me then!
Turning his back on him
Sicon,
Parmenon, pick up my goods.
Man:
Hang
on! Let me help you with all that.
Neighbour:
Oh,
nononono! It’s all right. I can
see it now. I’ll be taking MY
stuff in and you’ll be pretending that my stuff is YOUR’S! No
thanks! Come on boys!
Exit Neighbour and slaves
Man:
By
Zeus! I need to think up some mechanism by which I can keep my property but
still share in the free food the state is giving out to everyone. It needs to be brilliant, though. I
just have to go and eat without delay.
Exit Man
The window of a house opens and a young girl appears. Then the door of the house next door opens and an old woman (FIRST OLD WOMAN) enters the stage. This woman is wearing unmatching clothes to look like a whore and an exaggerated amount of white make-up. She walks up and down the stage, swinging her bag and bum, singing softly to herself but all the while searching the streets anxiously. The young woman from the window is also looking up and down the street.
877
First
Old Woman:
I
wonder why the men aren’t here yet?
They should have been here a long time ago! I’ve painted my face up with this beautiful white make up,
I’ve put on my see-through, fuck-me please dress and… and? Well, all I’m doing is standing here,
murmuring to myself a song and hoping to snap up a young passer by.
Pause
Come
on, you Muses! Come into my mouth
and find me one of those lovely, horny Ionian tunes.
Begins to sing “sweetly” a bawdy song.
Young
Woman:
You
putrid old trash! You’re out
before me today. You thought you’d check out the vineyard while no one is
watching, and, while no one was watching, you thought you’d be able to pinch a
bunch with your singing! But you
do this, and I’ll fight you: song for song! And I don’t care if the audience out there finds the routine
boring –it’ll still be cute and comic!
First
Old Woman:
Indicates her wide behind.
Ha! Talk to this, woman and piss off!
To a piper, who could be among the chorus of women or behind the stage.
Come,
you darling piper! Pick up your
lovely little pipes and blow a tune worthy of you and me.
She begins to sing
The
man who wants a good time
Should
only sleep with me
Because
the wise fuck comes not
With
the young girl but with
Experienced
grown up women.
Young
Woman:
Don’t
turn away from the young ones
Their
fluffy thighs are the home of tenderness
…a
tenderness which turns to flower in their wondrous tits.
And
you, old tart, though you’ve plucked away your moustache and you’ve plastered your face with white
paint
Only
Death awaits your caresses,
Only
Death is your next bed mate.
906
First
Old Woman:
Ooooh,
I hope your cunt falls off, you bitch
And
when lust sends you to your bed
With
the promise of a fuck
You
can’t find your bumhole
From
the hole you’d love to rub.
Or
when you’re in bed and hope to hold a man
tight
and close, let a snake, appear instead
hissing
in your armpits.
Young
Woman:
To the audience this time
Now
what will I do?
My
man is not here yet
And
I’m left here all alone
My
mother’s gone off somewhere
And
I’ll reveal no more
Back to the Old Woman
Well,
old nanny, I beg you!
Please
call Doctor Wanker
So
you can get at least some joy,
Please
nanny do it,
Ask
him to let you play with his toy!
Please,
ask the little boy!
First
Old Woman:
To the audience
I
can see the poor love
Dying
to do it the Ionian way
A
dildo will send her desire away.
Back to the Young Woman:
Oh,
I can see you dying to bend to your knees
And
do it the Lesbian way.
A
mouth, a head, a blow job
Will
satisfy you desire and gob.
Young
Woman:
But
never will you take my toys away
And
never will you kill my youth or
Steal
my share of the fucks from me,
Not
ever!
924
First
Old Woman:
Well,
bend your head like a skunk all you like and sing all the songs you want but no
one will sleep with you before they sleep with me.
Young
Woman:
Over
my dead body! Skunk? “Bend your
head like a skunk?” That’s a new one for you, isn’t it, old cheese?
First
Old Woman:
Nope.
Not new at all!
Young
Woman:
No,
of course not! Who can tell an old woman anything new?
First
Old Woman:
Old
woman? Girl, it isn’t my age that
you should worry about!
Young
Woman:
What
then? Your face plaster and your
powder?
First
Old Woman:
Listen! Why do you keep talking to me?
Young
Woman:
What
about you? Why are you still
searching the street?
930
First
Old Woman:
Me? I’m just singing a little song for my
beloved… my young Epigenes.
Young
Woman:
If
you’ve got a boyfriend then his name must be Gero!
First
Old Woman:
He’ll
show you, girl! He’ll be visiting me before he’ll be fucking you!
Enter Epigenes, wearing a garland and holding a torch. He is drunk. He has yet to see the women.
First
Old Woman:
Here’s
my sweetheart!
Young
Woman:
Ha! He’s not here for your sake, you droopy
flaps!
First
Old Woman:
By
Zeus, no way! No way you skinny little
runt!
Young
Woman:
Well,
let us see. He’ll tell us himself
who he’s after. I’m going inside.
Young Woman goes inside
First Old Woman:
I’ll
go inside, too. Just to show you
how I know better than you.
First Old Woman goes inside
Epigenes:
How
blissful it would be if I could go fuck a young woman straightaway instead of
having to do it first with an ugly nose or an old hag! How can this be right for a free man?
He goes back and forth from one door to the other, torn between duty and desire. Finally he is about to knock on the Young Woman’s door.
Enter First Old Woman again
First
Old Woman:
With a thunderous voice
By
Zeus! You knock on that door and
you might as well say goodbye to your cock!
These
aren’t the days of the great whore Charixede when we knew nothing about
Democracy! Nowdays, we’ve got to
do things according to democratic and just laws, by Zeus, by Zeus!
To the audience
But
I’ll go back inside and see how he resolves this.
First Old Woman goes back inside.
Epigenes:
Almost in tears
Oh,
gods! Let me get this little
beauty on her own. I’ve drunk and drunk and I’m now drunk because of her! Ohhhh the desire! Ohhhh the desire!
Epigenes walks back to the Young Woman’s door. He is confused.
The Young Woman appears at her window again.
Young
Woman:
I’ve
tricked the cursed old woman. He he!
She’s gone back inside, the silly old woman. She thought I’d stay inside, too. Ahhhh! But there’s the very object of my love. Here’s my boy!
She begins to sing to him
Come,
sweet lover, come to me!
Come
share my bed, embrace me through the night
Those
curly tresses bring Eros to my heart
Bring
a crazy desire to my loins.
I
pray to you Eros let me free and let
My
boy come to me, and lie deep inside me.
Epigenes:
He knocks at the Young Woman’s door
Come,
sweet lover, come to me!
You
too, sweet lover, come to me!
Run
down the steps and open this door
Or
else I’ll faint in front of it.
I’d
rather faint between your legs
My
love and crash between your bum’s little mounds.
Oh
Aphrodite, why spin my mind for this girl?
I
pray to you Eros let me free and let
My
girl come to me, and lie deep inside me.
He knocks at the Young Woman’s door.
My
words are far too weak to tell of
the
strength of my longing
You,
though my sweetheart,
Open
up for me and give welcome to my love
I
beg you, sooth my pain.
He knocks at the Girls door
Aphrodite’s bud! The golden work of a
cunning
jeweller!
Muses’
bee, Graces’ baby,
Visor
of the most tender
Open
up for me and give welcome to my love
I
beg you, placate my pain.
He knocks at the Young Woman’s door.
Enter First Old Woman again
First
Old Woman:
Hey,
you! What’s all this knocking? Are
you looking for me?
Epigenes:
Shocked
Hell!
Wwwwwhy wwwwould I be looking for you?
First
Old Woman:
But
you were banging on my door.
Epigenes:
I…I…
I’d rather die!
First
Old Woman:
Well
then? What are you looking for,
torch and all.
Epigenes:
I…
I’m looking for someone from Wank City!
First
Old Woman:
Who
exactly?
Epigenes:
Who
exactly? Well I’m not
exactly looking for Mr Carpet Eater.
You’re probably the one who’s expecting him!
First
Old Woman:
Grabbing him by the arm
By
Aphrodite! Whether you like it or not, you’re mine! Mine!
Epigenes:
Shakes himself free.
Wait,
woman, wait! We’re not getting into the post-sixty-year-olds right now. We’ve
postponed those for a while. Right
now we’re checking out the under twenty-year olds.
985
First
Old Woman:
Under
the previous Government, yes but under this one, sweetheart, you’ve got to
enter us first!
Epigenes:
He
who wants to play must play by the rules by the game.
First
Old Woman:
But…
you don’t even eat your dinner by the rules of the game!
Epigenes:
Looks puzzled
I…
I’m sure you just said something but I just can’t work it out. Now let me please knock on this door.
First
Old Woman:
Not
until you knock on mine first!
Epigenes:
But
I told you, I don’t need a knocker right now!
First
Old Woman:
I
know you love me darling! You’re
just shocked you’ve found me outside the house. Come, bring your lips closer to mine!
Epigenes:
Ehhh,
No! Nonononono! I’m terrified your lover might appear
any moment!
First
Old Woman:
My
lover? Which lover?
Epigenes:
The
famous artist. Best artist in
existence.
995
First
Old Woman:
Oh
yeah? And who might that be?
Epigenes:
You
know, the one who paints all those funereal urns. Mr Death, himself and in person. You better run off or he might see you at your door.
First
Old Woman:
I
know, sweetheart, I know! I know
exactly what you need to make you happy!
Epigenes:
By
Zeus, and I know exactly what YOU need!
First
Old Woman:
By
Aphrodite! By the wonderful Aphrodite, who drew my name out of the lottery
box. I’m not letting you go!
1000
Epigenes:
You’re
off your head, old woman!
First
Old Woman:
Tries to grab him by the phallus but after a bit of a tussle he escapes.
Blah,
blah, blah! You’re coming to my
bed, darling. Right now! Follow
me!
Epigenes:
By
Zeus! Look at her! No need to buy a bucket grip. Look at these teeth!
Just send an old hag like this down the well and use her to grab all
those buckets!
First
Old Woman:
Once again she reaches for his phallus. Again he escapes.
Enough
playing hard-to-get, silly child!
Come with me now! Here’s a good boy!
Epigenes:
I
don’t have to, old girl. At least
not unless you’ve deposited in the State Coffers, one fiftieth of my
possessions.
First
Old Woman:
Oh
yes you do! By Aphrodite, you
certainly do have to come with me! You young folk are my greatest desire! I just love fucking with you!
Epigenes:
No
way. I shall never agree to fuck with you. I just hate doing it with old and ugly women. It won’t work.
First
Old Woman:
Brings a scroll out from under her skirt, an act that mortifies Epigenes.
You
might not like it but this little decree will make you.
Epigenes:
Hell! Wwwwwhat is that?
First
Old Woman:
Hehehehehe! This, my darling boy,
is a decree that says you’ve got to follow me!
Epigenes:
Hell! Rrrrread out wwwwhat it says!
1015
First
Old Woman:
All
right, I’ll read it for you.
Begins reading
“The
women have hereby decreed that if a man desires to fuck a young woman, he may
do so only after he fucks an old one.
Further, should this young man refuse to obey by this statute, the older
woman shall be authorised to drag the aforesaid young man by his cock, without
any legal ramifications to her person or property!”
Epigenes:
Oh
no! Oh nononono! Zeus help me!
They’re turning me into a victim of Procrustes. Too long for the bed and they chop it
off. Too short for it and they
stretch it! By Zeus, noooooooooo!
First
Old Woman:
Our laws, young darling, must be obeyed!
Epigenes:
Thinks hurriedly and anxiously
What
if a mate or a neighbour comes along and gets me out of this mess with a
financial arrangement?
First
Old Woman:
But,
darling, there is yet another law which says, men can only sign contracts below
the value of one medimnus.
Epigenes:
Despondent
Is
there no reprieve?
First
Old Woman:
Nope,
no wiggling your bum out of this one, sweetie. It’s your duty by law!
Epigenes:
Ha! I’ll say I’m a businessman. You can never catch or prosecute
businessmen!
First
Old Woman:
Do
that, honey and you’ll be sorry!
Epigenes:
Deflated
What
can I do then?
First
Old Woman:
Only
one thing you can do, sweetheart:
Follow me to my humble abode!
Epigenes:
Pleading
Is
this absolutely necessary?
First
Old Woman:
Ohhhh,
absolutely, necessary! More necessary than you can imagine! It’s vitally
necessary!
Epigenes:
Oh
well! Get my death bed ready! Let
flow the oregano all over it, break four vine branches to lay beneath me,
spread the ribbons upon it, the funereal urns beside it and water jug by your
entrance.
First
Old Woman:
And
don’t forget the garland you’ll be buying for me!
She grabs him by his phallus and pulls him behind her.
1035
Epigenes:
Quite
right, quite right! One of those
waxen ones that go with funerals because, once we get in there you’ll become a
carcass.
Enter Girl
Young
Woman:
Hey,
Where are you dragging him?
Epigenes’ phallus responds to the Girl’s appearance
First
Old Woman:
He’s
mine and I’m taking him inside!
Young
Woman:
Now,
that wouldn’t be a wise thing you’d be doing there. He’s a baby and you’re more like his mother then his
bed mate! If you women go on
establishing laws like this one, the whole world will be cluttered with little
Oedipuses!
First
Old Woman:
Outraged
Oh! Oh! You… you… you little slut! You
jealous little slut. You’ve just thought this excuse up out of sheer
jealousy! Right! I’ll leave him to you then but you’ll
pay for this! You’ll get your
punishment for this. That’s for sure!
Drops his phallus violently and goes inside.
Epigenes:
By
Zeus the Saviour, sweetheart!
You’ve done me a huge favour by getting this old woman off my back. And just for that wonderful deed, this
evening I’ll reward you with a huge and thick gift.
Young Woman becomes excited and pulls Epigenes by the phallus
Enter Second Old Woman, uglier than the first.
Second
Old Woman:
Thunderously, behind Epigenes
Heyyyy! Where are you taking this man,
girl? You’re violating laws, here!
The law is written in plain writing:
This boy has to fuck me first!
Epigenes:
Jumps with horror. Girl drops the phallus.
Hell! Wwwwwhere did you spring out of? You… you… you evil looking bit of mmmmisery!
To the Young Woman
This
…this… this filthy piece of ugliness
is more frightening than the last.
Second
Old Woman:
Takes his phallus and pulls him in the opposite direction.
Come
over here, please!
Epigenes:
Trembling with fear. To the Young Woman.
Ohhhh,
Ohhhhh, please don’t let her drag me away, darling, please! I beg you!
Young Woman starts crying and runs away back into the house.
1055
Second
Old Woman:
Silly
boy! It’s not me who’s doing the
dragging, it’s the law!
Epigenes:
No,
it’s not the law at all. It’s some
sort of Empousa. Some weird beast…
some big blister full of blood and ugly gore!
Second
Old Woman:
Tugs sharply at his phallus
Come
on, you little wanker Come with me and stop whining!
Epigenes:
Hang
on a minute, please! I… I need to
go to the toilet first. It’ll give me a bit of confidence. Otherwise, I’ll have
to do something right here and you’ll see me go all red and brown with fear!
Second
Old Woman:
Come
on, courage, darling. Keep going, you’ll be able to do your shitting in the
house.
Epigenes:
I’m
afraid, once you get me inside, I’ll be doing more than what I need to do.
Indicating his testicles.
Look,
I’ll even leave you a couple of bits of excellent collateral!
Second
Old Woman:
Takes a look at them then frowns
Don’t
bother with the collaterals.
Enter Third Old Woman, even uglier then the previous two.
1065
Third
Old Woman:
Thunderously from behind them
Oi! Oi! Hey you! Where
in Hades are you going with her?
Epigenes:
Before he sees her
I’m
the one who’s been dragged away, darling and may you gain many blessing for not
just standing there and watching my torture, whoever you are!
He turns and sees the Third Old Woman who has now approached them.
Bbbbby
Hhhhherakles! Bbbbby Pppppan!
Bbbby the Corybantes! Bbbby
the Dioscuri! Woeeeee! Here’s another horror to beat the other
two! Wwwwwhat an awful sight! But what on earth is this…this
thing? Somebody please tell me, I
beg you! Is it some monkey
splattered with make-up or some old carcass come up from the underworld?
Third
Old Woman:
Enough
with the comedy and come with me, you!
Second
Old Woman:
No
way! This way boy!
Third
Old Woman:
She grabs another part of his phallus
I’ll
never ever let you go!
Second
Old Woman:
Nor
will I!
Epigenes:
Stop!
You’ll break me in two, you evil Harpes!
Second
Old Woman:
According
to the law you’ve got to follow me!
Third
Old Woman:
Wrong! The law says that if the next woman is
uglier, she gets him.
Epigenes:
But…
but if I lose my lot with you two stacks of misery, what will I have left for
that gorgeous girl in there?
1081
Third
Old Woman:
That’s
for you to work out. Right now you’ve got this to attend to!
Lewdly indicating her vagina
Epigenes:
All
right then… Which of you do I fuck first so I can escape?
Third
Old Woman:
Can’t
you see? Walk this way.
Epigenes:
Then
tell her to let go!
Second
Old Woman:
You’re
coming with me, big boy!
Epigenes:
Only
if she lets me go.
Third
Old Woman:
Certainly
not, by Zeus!
Second
Old Woman:
Nor
me!
Epigenes:
Things
would be rough if you two were captains of a ferryboat.
Second
Old Woman:
Why
is that?
Epigenes:
You’d
be making your passengers very sick with all this pulling and tugging.
Third
Old Woman:
Shut
your face and come this way.
Second
Old Woman:
No! Walk this way!
Epigenes:
This
is Cannonus’ law for sure. Which is to say that I’ve got to fuck my accusers…
but… how could I possibly work two boats with a single oar?
Second
Old Woman:
No
problem. Straight after a potful of bulbs, you’ll be right!
Epigenes has been dragged to the front door of the Second Old Woman
Epigenes:
Oh,
poor me! Here I am! Dragged near
the front door! Oh me!
Third
Old Woman:
Yells at the Second Old Woman
You
think this is getting you the goods?
Forget it! I’m charging
right into the house as well!
1095
Epigenes:
Oh
no! By the gods, oh no! Damn it, if I’m going to lose this
battle let me at least suffer under one of you uglies, not both!
Third
Old Woman:
Absolutely
no choice in the matter, by Hekate!
Epigenes:
To the audience
What
a poor bastard I am, ey? Here I am, having to fuck a rotting hag all day and
night, then, I’ll have to jump off her and onto this old toad and start all
over again! And this old toad is
so old that I can see the funeral urn already standing by her cheeks. So aren’t I damned? By Zeus the Saviour not only am I
damned but I’m a heavily damned man and a poor suck at that, being forced to
fuck these two beasts!
Now,
if I come up against some disaster while I’m on board these two rabid toads,
bury me right at the mouth of the channel.
Indicating the Third Old Woman.
As
for her, bury her alive in tar, put her feet in molten lead all the way up to
her ankles and, instead of an urn stick her up on my grave.
The two old women drag Epigenes into the house and shut the door behind them.
Enter Praxagora’s MAID, swinging a wine bottle. She is clearly drunk.
She addresses the chorus and the audience.
Maid:
Blessed,
blessed, people! God’s best country of them all! And of all, most blessed is my
mistress herself, as well as all you women standing by your doors, neighbours,
neighbours of the same neighbourhood, and me, too! I too, am most highly
blessed, me, a maid with her hair washed in delightful perfumes. O, glorious
Zeus!
Takes a sip
Ha!
Most delightful though –more delightful than all these delightful aromas- are
these delightful little bottles of Thasian wine! Zeus bless it, it stays in your head for such a delightfully
long time, they’re still in there when all the other wines have long lost their
delightful bouquet and flown off!
So! These Thasian wines are absolutely the
best! Oh, yes! They are certainly the best! By the
gods! If you drink these wines
neat –no messing about with dirty water- they’ll keep you chirpy and happy all
the delightful night long, that is, if you pick the one with the most
delightful bouquet!
Takes another sip
So!
Can
one of you tell me where my master’s got to? I mean, my mistress’ master? I mean, my mistress’ mister?
Chorus:
Hang
around and I’m sure he’ll be here soon…
Enter Blepyrus with a girl in each arm. All are garlanded and well inebriated.
Chorus:
Here
he is now. Looks like he’s on his
way to dinner.
Maid:
O,
master! How delightful! You are so
lucky! So delightfully lucky! Thrice delightfully lucky!
Blepyrus:
Me? I’m lucky?
1130
Maid:
You,
of course, you! More than any
other man in the world, by Zeus, by Zeus!
She looks around her
Who
could be luckier than you, master?
There
are thirty thousand citizens out there and they all had a delightful
dinner. You are the only one left!
Chorus:
How
lucky can you be!
Maid:
So!
So!
So!
Where
are you off to now?
Blepyrus:
I’m
off to dinner now.
Maid:
Ha! By Aphrodite you’re the absolute last
one of them all. But your wife
still told me to pack you up and take you over there… You can take these little
sweeties with you. You’ll find some
wine from Chios still there and some other lovely morsels. So don’t be late.
To the chorus and the audience
And
you, too, folks! All of you who love us and you, too, judges of the play –those
of you who are NOT looking elsewhere!- come, follow me. It’s all on the house.
Blepyrus:
To the maid
Well,
come on, girl, be generous! Invite
them all, for goodness’ sake! Feel
free to invite the old man, the young man, the baby! There’s dinner for everyone, made to their palette… If they
rush home! Hahahahaha!
Me?
Squeezes the girls knowingly
I’m
running off to have my dinner now and…
Indicating his phallus
Well,
just as well I’ve got this little torch to show me the way home, ey?
Chorus:
So
why hang around here? Off you go! Run!
And while you’re on your way down there, I’ll sing a little table song…
But
first, let me make a tiny suggestion to our judges, and it is this:
Judges!
The
wise among you, think wisely and judge me as the winner!
The
friends of good humour, think humourously and judge me the winner!
So,
yes, it’s almost the lot of you I’m addressing this suggestion and ask you to
vote for me! Make me the winner!
Oh! And let not the fact that the draw of
the lot brought me on the stage first hinder your decision. Make me the winner!
Oh! And don’t break your oath as
judges. You must judge us fairly,
not like sluttish whores who can only remember their last fuck. Make me the
winner!
Pause
Hoorah,
hoorah, hey, hey!
Come
on, darlings, move to the rhythm of this dee-lightful
tune
and let’s get ourselves to that dinner!
If
dinner is what we want!
Hoorah,
hoorah, hey, hey!
Kick
your feet like the men from Crete
Dance
to their own dee-lightful tune!
Feet are kicked high.
Blepyrus:
That’s
what I’m doing!
Hahahahaha!
Chorus:
And
you, too, girls! So lithe, so
supple, so… dee-lightful! Join us
and move your bum! Kick high to our rhythm, for soon, you’ll see food like
you’ve never seen before.
Morsels
like:
Greasy
and salted saltfish and shark fish and catfish
And
stinky skull fish and deadfish and braised beetles
And
sparrows in oil and honey dripping from their beaks
And
ring-doves and chook-cocks and baked swallows
And
marrow from rabbits in wine cooked very fine
And
covered in cheese and in vinegar and silphium
And…
Well,
now that you’ve heard what’s there, run, run raise the dust while you run and…
Bring
a plate with you and… just in
case, put some beans on it!
Blepyrus:
Oh
ho! How happy our gullets and
tongues will be!
1180
Chorus:
We
won, we won, we won!
As
one, one, one!
Kick
your legs
Girls
Kick
them high
Let’s
go to dinner
Let’s
say, hurray!
Hurrayyyy!
END OF ARISTOPHANES’
“WOMEN IN PARLIAMENT”