AristophanesÕ
ÒLYSISTRATAÓ
Written in 411BCE
Translated by
George Theodoridis
©2000
The Characters.
|
Women: |
Men:
|
|
|
|
|
Lysistrata |
Cinesias |
|
Caloniki |
Magistrate |
|
Myrrhini |
Polycharides |
|
Lampito |
Athenian
Delegate 2 |
|
Stratyllis (WomenÕs
leader) |
Manes (silent) |
|
Nikothiki |
Cinesias
baby |
|
Kallyki |
Spartan
Herald |
|
Lampito |
Spartan
Delegate 1 |
|
Ismenia |
Spartan
Delegate 2 |
|
Corinthian
whore |
Drakis |
|
Skythian
- Female archer/policewoman (silent) |
Philourgos |
|
Other
members of StratyllisÕ group |
Phadrias |
|
|
Strynidoros |
|
|
4
Scythian Archers/policemen (silent) |
|
|
Various
vagrants (silent) Other
members of Drakis group (silent) |
--------------------------
ACT 1
Scene 1
Before the curtain is raised or on
a dimly lit stage where only shadows are visible, stands the chorus of women.
Sudden introduction of, violent,
disturbing, martial tambourines.
Fade out: tambourines
Fade in: passionate pleas by a mix
of womenÕs voices, and cries of owls.
WomenÕs
voices:
They are standing at profile to
the audience so that the shadows of their pleading hands can be accentuated.
Cry,
all you mothers! Cry for your
Adonis! Cry!
Cry!
Adonis! Lament the death of Adonis!
Cry,
cry
mothers! Your Adonis is gone!
Adonis is gone
for
ever! Beautiful to all eyes, Adonis
is gone!
Lament
his death, mothers of sons!
Angry
Woman 1: within
Tits
and clits! Tits and clits! ThatÕs what all this is about! ThatÕs all they are ever after!
Angry
Woman 2: within
That
and war!
Angry Woman 3: within
Blood
and gore!
Raise curtains or turn on
appropriate stage lights.
Dawn. A public place in Athens at the foot of the acropolis, the
entrance of which is a large gate at
the centre of the stage. Gate and Parthenon are prominent. This
is where the whole play takes
place. The walls on the inside and on either side of the gate have
parapets where actors will appear
at various times. Lysistrata is
holding an ÒinvitationÓ which she waves about furiously as she paces
back and forth. An archer (female police woman) guides
two drunken derelicts through left to right.
Fade out sound of
owls. Pause.
Lysistrata:
To the audience
Enter Caloniki
Caloniki:
Hi
to you too, Lysistrata! Oh, but
look at you, darling! Such frowns,
such arrows for eyebrows!
Not
good for you babe. TheyÕre so
horribly ugly!
Lysistrata:
IÕm
fuming, Caloniki! IÕm boiling inside.
Damned women! Why on earth do men think weÕre
smart
and cunning and capable of anything and everything?
Caloniki:
Because
we are, darling, we definitely are!
Lysistrata:
But
you call them to a meeting, to a proper meeting, to discuss something of some
importance –
none
of that obscene and trivial stuff theyÕre always on about- and where are
they? Deaf and
asleep!
Caloniki:
But
they have heard you, darling. They
have. ItÕs just thatÉ you know how
it is. A womanÕs
exit
from her abode is very, very difficult! Some have to go down on their husband,
others have
to
raise their slave, others still, to put the baby to sleep, another still has to
wash it, feed it, clean
its
poopÉ
20
Lysistrata:
There
are far more important things to worry about than all that stuff, Caloniki!
Caloniki:
Well?
What is it, darling? What is this
thing thatÕs so important, you had to bring together every
woman
in Greece? Is it such a big thing?
Lysistrata:
Huge.
Caloniki:
Oh?
And thick?
Lysistrata:
O,
itÕs thick, all right!
Caloniki: Excited
at a misconstrued prospect
Well
then, where on earth are they all?
Lysistrata:
Realises Caloniki is on the wrong
prospect
No,
no, itÕs not what youÕre thinking of, my dear. If it had been that, theyÕd all
be well and
truly
here by now. No, itÕs
something else. Something thatÕs bothered me for a long time
now.
Believe me, IÕve lost a great deal of sleep, tossing this one over.
Caloniki:
Ah,
so, itÕs a very delicate little thingy, then, this thing youÕve been tossing
over?
Lysistrata:
IÕll
tell you how delicate a thing it is, Caloniki! IÕve discovered that the
salvation of the whole of
Greece
depends upon us, upon our tits and clits! ThatÕs how delicate a thing it is!
Tits and clits!
ThatÕs
what itÕs all about!
Caloniki:
Upon
our tits and clits? She lifts first one
tit then the other as if to balance them
A
delicate little thingy indeed! What a precarious balancing act!
Lysistrata:
All
these awful goings on in our city, Caloniki! Just think!
WeÕll be rid of them all! All of
them...
Spartans, the lot!
Caloniki:
Oh,
yes, of course! Out with the Spartan bastards!
Lysistrata:
And
of all the Boetians, too.
Caloniki:
Ah,
the Boetians! Well, the Boetians themselves, yes; their delicious eels, though,
Lysistrata,
absolutely not!
Lysistrata:
As
for Athens, my tongue wonÕt utter a thing but you get my meaningÉ If all the women
would
gather here, Caloniki, from Boetia, from Sparta, all of them, believe me - all
of us,
together,
we can save Greece!
Caloniki:
Us?
But my dear, what have we women ever done thatÕs intelligent or that requires
any
skill? We all just sit around on our bums all
day long, looking pretty, begemmed, beflowered
and
plastered with make-up, naked under our see-through saffron gowns and wearing
our
cute
little Òfuck-me-pleaseÓ slippers!
Lysistrata:
Exactly!
ThatÕs exactly the stuff by which IÕm planning to save Greece, darling! With the
scents
and the make-up and the flowers and those cute little Òfuck-me-please-IÕm-cuteÓ
slippers
and the dainty little see-through gowns!
Caloniki:
What? What on earth could you achieve with
that stuff?
Lysistrata:
Peace,
my dear! Peace among men! No longer will a man thrust his spear against another
man!
Caloniki:
Is
that right? Well then, if thatÕs
the case IÕm off to powder my nose right nowÉ
Lysistrata:
Nor
will he raise a shield in front of him...
Caloniki:
MmmÉ
and to put on my see-through...
Lysistrata:
Nor
will he ever carry a sword...
Caloniki:
Ohhhh!
And my cute little Òfuck-me-pleaseÓ slippers...
Lysistrata:
So!
ShouldnÕt all these women have been here by now?
55
Caloniki:
Definitely. They should all have flown right over!
Lysistrata:
Yea,
well, what do you expect? Damned Athenian women! Always late! Late for everything.
Damn
it! Not even those from the shore!
Caloniki:
Yet
I do know that they have hopped off their cunts early this morning and theyÕre on
their way,
theyÕreÉ
coming right now, IÕm sure!
Lysistrata:
Grrr!
Not even those I thought showed some real interest in this! TheyÕre not here
yet, eitherÉ
God,
not even the Acharnians!
Caloniki:
But,
darling, even TheagenesÕ wife is coming.
I saw the superstitious twit visiting HecateÕs
temple
before setting offÉ Aha! Here they all are! I told you! TheyÕre coming, Lysistrata, all of
them! (Pinches
her nose) Phew! Where on earth are they all from?
Lysistrata:
Bog
Burrow! Twenty Ks south of Thebes!
Caloniki:
Phew!
Well, then, letÕs not stir them up any more than we have to, shall we? Pooooh!
Enter Myrrhini. SheÕs wearing a beautiful gown with
which she is very happy and with which is
often preoccupied by displaying
admiringly at every occasion; so much so that her words in line
114 have some effect.
69
Myrrhini:
WeÕre
not too late, are we Lysistrata?
Well, whatÕs up, darling?
Speak up, darling!
Lysistrata:
EveryoneÕs
heard exactly what itÕs all about, Myrrhini! IÕm not impressed with you, at
all!
Myrrhini:
But
it took me ages to find my knickers in the dark, Lysistrata. Anyway, whatÕs up? WhatÕs
going
on? Tell us, now that weÕre all
here.
Lysistrata:
No,
not yet. LetÕs wait a little
longer for the Boetian and Spartan women to arrive.
Myrrhini:
TrueÉ
she looks around impatiently untilÉ ah, hereÕs Lampito!
Lysistrata: Rushes
over to Lampito and, impressed by her body, begins to fondle her body
excitedly, lasciviously.
Hello
Lampito! Oh! Oh, my darling Spartan! How positively fructiferous is your
beauty. What a
colour
what a vigorous, horny body!
Darling, I think you could strangle a bull with this body!
Lampito:
Yeah,
I think I could, too. I exercise regularly. I mean very regularly and I go through every bit
of
me, every bit of me - including my bumhole!
Lysistrata:
Mmm!
Your titties, too!
Lampito:
Hey!
Why are you groping me like thatÉ like some sacrificial cow?
Lysistrata stops the groping and turns her attention to the
new woman on the stage
Lysistrata:
Ah!
And this one? Who is this young
beauty, then?
Lampito:
ThatÕs
the delegate sent to you from Boetia. By the name of Ismenia.
Lysistrata:
Prodding similarly
Boetia,
yes! Points at IsmeniaÕs pudendum. Boetia of the beautiful
meadows! How lovely your
meadow
looks!
Caloniki:
Yea,
with elegant little itchy-bitchy curly whirly penny royals growing so neatly
and tightly all
around
that lovely meadow!
Enter Corinthian whore.
Lysistrata:
And
this other child?
90
Lampito:
Ah,
yes! Now, that there, thatÕs pure
Corinthian whore meat, that one! The real stuff!
All
others whisper excitedly the words, ÒwhoreÓ, Òfrom CorinthÓ and ÒCorinth has
the best
whores!Ó
Lysistrata:
Mmmm,
yes, pure, indeed! Both front and
back!
Lampito:
So,
then! WhoÕs gathered this fleet of
flesh here?
Lysistrata:
I
did.
Lampito:
Aha? Why? Name your passion, girl!
Myrrhini:
Yes,
darling, tell us whatÕs so important.
Lysistrata:
I
will, I will, but first: let me ask you all one question.
Myrrhini:
Ask
away.
100
Lysistrata:
Tell
me, please, all of you: Do you not
miss your husbandÕs pricks? Your
sonsÕ father? I mean
while
heÕs away at war? I know very well that all of you have your husband away at
the moment.
Not
one of them is here with you. IsnÕt that so?
Caloniki:
Mine,
in fact, the poor bugger, has been in Thrace for the last five months. Guarding that idiot of
a
general, Eucrates.
Myrrhini:
And
mine, seven months at Pylos.
Lampito:
And
if mine ever manages to steal away for a quickie, they rush over, nab him by
the handle and
quickly
whisk him away back to the front!
Lysistrata:
And
so, girls, when fucking time comesÉ not the faintest whiff of it anywhere,
right?
From
the time those Milesians betrayed us, we canÕt even find our eight-fingered
leather
dildos.
At least theyÕd serve as a sort of flesh-replacement for our poor cuntsÉ
So,
then! Would you like me to find some mechanism by which we could end this war?
Myrrhini:
If
this were truly possible, Lysistrata, darling, IÕd start the celebratory drinks
right now.
Even
if it meant IÕd have to sell this gown to buy the wine.
Caloniki:
Me
too! Even if... even if IÕm torn in two like a fish on the grill and have half
of me
thrown
away!
Lampito:
And
me... IÕd climb all the way up to the tip of Taygetus to be able to see our
beloved
Peace.
Lysistrata:
Well,
in that case, IÕll tell you now what IÕve discovered because I donÕt think I
can hide it
any
longer. Now! If we women really want our men to make peace, then we mustÉ abstain!
Myrrhini:
Huh? From what? Please explain?
Lysistrata: Still reluctant
to make the revelation
UmmmmÉ From somethingÉ Will you do it?
Myrrhini:
Sure!
Even if it means our death, but what do we have to do?
124
Lysistrata:
We
will go on strike! We shall all abstain from cocks! Triumphant No more cock!
Distressed as she sees that the
others donÕt agree. Corinthian whore begins to cry -itÕs her living.
Hey, whatÕs up? Where are you off to?
WhatÕs with the frowns and sad looks? How pale you all
look
suddenly! WhatÕs with the tears?
Will you do as we said?
Talk
to me! WhatÕs your decision?
Myrrhini:
Me? I canÕt do it, Lysistrata. Not me. I... Let the war drag on!
Caloniki:
Yea,
me too, Lysistrata. Let the war
continue.
Lysistrata:
You,
Caloniki! You were just talking about being a fish cut in two, half of it
tossed away!
130
Caloniki:
Anything
else, Lysistrata. WeÕll do
anything else you want us to do butÉ well, better in the fire than out of the
bed. Better with the fire than without the cock! That can never do, darling!
Lysistrata:
And
you, Lampito? What do you say?
Lampito:
Better
in the fire than out of the bed.
Lysistrata:
What
a lot of bum-torn sluts each and every single one of our sex is! The tragedians
are right
about
us then! Screwing above all else! No regard for the consequences!
Turns to Lampito, imploring her.
But
you, my darling Spartan, you and I, Lampito, just the two of us could still
save the matter.
Come
on, vote with me!
Lampito: Thinks
deeply, paces back and forth, agonises over the question.
ItÕs
true, damn it. ItÕs a harsh and
difficult thing for a woman to go to sleep, alone.
Without
a prick, I mean. YetÉ yetÉ yet, we must! We must have peace!
Lysistrata:
Exuberant
Oh,
true Spartan! YouÕre the only real woman here!
Caloniki:
But
if we did go on strike, if -God forbid!- if we did do as you saidÉ will this
really give us
Peace?
Lysistrata:
Absolutely! Look! All we have to do is we simply
stay indoors, put our luscious make-up on,
naked
beneath our flimsy little blouses, our curlies thoroughly coiffured and plucked
and we just
sit
and wait for our man. Soldier-hubby comes in, sees us and immediately stands at
attention!
Solid,
stiff and horny!
HeÕs
torn to shreds with lust. But we move back! We simply donÕt go to bed with him.
I can
assure
you, darlings, Peace will be signed before you can say, Òcome again?Ó
Lampito:
Just
like Menelaos and Helen. Helen
flashes her tits at him once and our boy throws his sword away for ever! Ha, ha, ha! He was going to kill her only a second before that - for
what sheÕd done to Greece!
Caloniki:
But
what if the men go on strike, too and we get horny instead?
Lysistrata:
Well,
then darlings, we are all well acquainted with Pherecrates, for goodnessÕ sake,
arenÕt
we? We do as he did: beat the beaten
bitch, in other words, wank!
Caloniki:
Nah!
Mimicking others is crap... What if they drag us into the bedroom?
Lysistrata:
Take
a tight grip of your flaps, darling!
Caloniki:
What
if they beat us then?
Lysistrata:
Well...
all right, we give in to them, then but we make it hard for them dears: we cross our legs or
something,
because itÕs no fun for them if they have to work hard for it. TheyÕll quickly give up.
A
man just wonÕt enjoy himself if the woman wonÕt help in the process.
Myrrhini:
Right! Well, then. If you two agree, then we agree also. We
are with you Lysistrata!
168
Lampito:
Yes!
All right then. But we, Spartan
women, we will be able to do this, to persuade our husbands
to
bring about a good and honourable peace straight away; but what about all these war-ongering
Athenian
pricks? WhoÕll straighten them
out?
Lysistrata:
DonÕt
you worry about them, Lampito, darling, weÕll see to them!
Lampito:
Not
very likely. Not while theyÕve got all those ships in the sea and all that loot
locked up in there
indicating the Acropolis Inside the temple of Athena!
Lysistrata:
Nah!
WeÕve thought of that, too, Lampito.
No problem. Today, weÕll
take over the Acropolis!
While
weÕre all here getting all this prick-protest organised, the older women will
be going up
there,
under the pretence of conducting rituals and sacrifices and, as soon as they
get inside, theyÕll seize the place! Take
it over!
A Skythian policewoman,
armed to the teeth (helmet, bow, arrows, shield, sword, knife) is walking by. She sees the group in a tightly knit
gathering and stops to examine suspiciously.
180
Lampito:
Oh,
ho! Well then! ThatÕs great! A very well thought-out plan, Lysistrata! Very thorough,
indeed!
Well done, girl!
Lysistrata:
Thank
you, Lampito. Right, then! Now quickly, letÕs take a good, strong, inexorable,
unbreakable,
no-loopholes oath!
Lampito:
Give
us the words and deeds and weÕll do it, Lysistrata!
Lysistrata:
Good,
now...
Sees the Skythian policewoman
Hey,
you! Cop woman! Yes, you! What are
you leering at? Bring me that
shield of yours here!
The policewoman obeys dumbly
Put
it right here! Now turn it upside
down.
The policewoman obeys again
Now,
someone bring me some entrails!
The policewoman likes all this and from now on becomes one with
the group
Caloniki:
Entrails?
Entrails, Lysistrata? What sort of
an oath do you want us to take, for goodnessÕ sake?
Lysistrata:
What
sort? The sort you perform upon a shield, like the one Aischylus mentions
somewhere, you
know... where the soldiers kill a sheep and...
Caloniki: Interrupts
Lysistrata!
We canÕt swear an oath for Peace by spilling blood on a shield!
Lysistrata:
Well? What sort of an oath do you all want,
then?
Caloniki:
I
know! LetÕs grab a white horse
from somewhere, kill it and get its sacred little bits! The
horseyÕs
bits, I mean. HowÕs that?
Lysistrata: SheÕs
shocked
What
white horse, Caloniki? What little
bits? WhatÕs in that head of
yours?
Caloniki:
Well
what do we swear upon then?
Myrrhini:
IÕll tell you what I think, if you like:
LetÕs sacrifice a wine jug, instead. Get a huge black cup, put
it
on the ground here, then get a jug of that lovely wine from Thasos, break it
open and swear to
the
cup thatÉ that we wonÕt pollute it by adding water to it!
Lampito:
Yes! Now thatÕs what I call an impressive
oath!
Lysistrata:
So,
letÕs bring the bowl and the wine skin then!
The Skythian archer runs off
enthusiastically and a moment later returns with the bowl and wine jug.
Lysistrata, impressed at the SkythianÕs speed, efficiency and willingness to
join her rebellious group, smiles at her, takes the jug and lifts it in the
air. Caloniki lifts the bowl admiringly.
200
Caloniki:
Ooooh!
My darlings, look! What a lovely
bowl! One gets horny just by touching it!
Lysistrata:
Caloniki!
Now place the bowl down and all of you hold my jug! They all obey.
Goddess
Persuasion, and you, too, bowl, accept this, our offering with grace.
She pours the wine into the bowl.
Caloniki:
What
sparkling blood! And how well it decants!
Lampito:
And
how sweet is its aroma!
Myrrhini:
Let
me be the first to take the oath!
Caloniki: Jealous
No!
Not unless we draw a lot and your name is drawn first!
Lysistrata:
Lampito,
and the rest of you, too. All
together: Repeat after me:
ThereÕs
no prick, loverÕs or husbandÕsÉ
Together:
ThereÕs
no prick, loverÕs or husbandÕs...
Lysistrata:
That
will approach me erect...
Together:
That
will approach me erect...
Caloniki hesitates
Lysistrata:
Caloniki,
speak!
Caloniki:
Damn
it, Lysistrata, my knees are wobbly!
ÒThat will approach me erect...Ó
Lysistrata:
Shut
in at home, IÕll live prickless and chaste...
Together:
Shut
in at home, IÕll live prickless and chaste...
Lysistrata:
And
IÕll be dressed seductively and be beautifully made...
220
Together:
And
IÕll be dressed seductively and be beautifully made...
Lysistrata:
So
as to set afire my manÕs desire...
Together:
So
as to set afire my manÕs desire...
Lysistrata:
And
let him not fuck me with my consent...
Together:
And
let him not fuck me with my consent...
Lysistrata:
But
if the prick forces itself upon me...
Together:
But
if the prick forces itself upon me...
Lysistrata:
I
will not reach orgasm... at the same time as it does...
Together:
I
will not reach orgasm... at the same time as it does...
Lysistrata:
I
will not have my slippers raised to the ceiling...
230
Together:
I
will not have my slippers raised to the ceiling...
Lysistrata:
Nor
will I, like a whore, take up for him the position of the
lioness-on-a-cheese-grater...
All the women except the
Corinthian Whore look at each other bemused. TheyÕve no idea what Lysistrata
means by the last oath. The Corinthian Whore nods and smiles knowingly.
Together:
Nor
will I, like a whore, take up for him the position of the
lioness-on-a-cheese-grater...
Lysistrata:
And
so, to bind all this together, we hereby drink this wine...
Together:
And
so, to bind all this together, we hereby drink this wine...
Lysistrata:
And
if I break this solemn oath may the wine I drink turn to water...
Together:
And
if I break this solemn oath may the wine I drink turn to water...
Lysistrata:
Have
you all sworn with me?
Together:
We
sure have!
Lysistrata:
Now
bring me the cup that I may sanctify it.
Caloniki:
Give
me some too, so that the oath will bind us all well and tight.
Shouting and commotion behind the
walls.
Lampito:
WhatÕs
all the noise?
240
Lysistrata:
Aha!
Just like I said. Our older women have seized the Acropolis. Quickly now, Lampito, you
head
off towards accomplishing your end of the bargain. Go to Sparta, quickly... but
leave these
friends
of yours here with us, as goodwill. The rest of us will go over to the Acropolis
and toss
the
bars over the gates.
Caloniki:
But
donÕt you think the men will band together and rush us?
Lysistrata:
IÕm
not worried about that one little bit, Caloniki. Even if they threaten us with
fire and even if
they
manage to open the gates, so what?
WeÕll do as weÕve just sworn, right?
Caloniki:
Right!
Of course. Yes! Otherwise weÕll remain for ever as we always were: cowards and
whores
to
them all!
Exit all into the acropolis.
A group of twelve men walks in
from SL (stage left will
henceforth be Òtheir territory.Ó
It is where they will be retreating to when business asks for a
retreat.)
They all wear a surfeit of clothes
which they take off one at a time at various instances for
comedic effect.
Drakis, its leader, is negotiating
his grip on a long branch on his shoulders and a fire-making pot
of sorts which makes much
smoke. Between them all they are
carrying wood of some sort or
other, branches, kindling, etc, as
well as crow bars, ramming rods and such like
implements that may be useful for
breaking and entering.
Drakis is walking just a little
ahead of the others and, like the others, is irritated by coughing fits
brought about by the smoke.
250
Drakis: Talking
to himself
Go
on, my poor boy! Go on Drakis! Even if your shoulder is breaking under the
strain of this
huge,
damp olive log! Go on, my boy! Cough, cough!
Philourgos:
To Strynidoros
Long
life brings you so many surprises, hey? Things, my good Strynidoros, which I
have never
hoped
to see or hear.
Women! Women, whom we husbanded, whom we
nourished and maintained and who have
caused
us so much fuss!
Strynidoros:
So
much fuss!
Philourgos:
Now
theyÕve gone and taken over the Acropolis. Stolen the sacred statue of our
protector, Athena
and
theyÕve driven bars and padlocks into her gates!
Strynidoros:
LetÕs
move as fast as we can, Philourgos.
Come on, letÕs place these branches all around...
Philourgos:
LetÕs
teach them a lesson...
Drakis:
LetÕs
light a high flame...
Philourgos:
Fry
the lot of Ôem...
Phadrias:
First,
among them all, LycosÕ wife, Rhodia!
Haha! A bastard of a
politician deserves a... slut of a
wife!
Philourgos: Sarcastically
Éa
slut of a wife! Cough, cough! A faithful slut! Slut to the end! Hahaha!
Strynidoros:
By
Demeter, no one will dare laugh at us while weÕre aliveÉ
Drakis:
Stops, turns and talks to the others,
laughing
Remember
old Cleomenes, boys?
Strynidoros:
Ah,
yes, Drakis! ThatÕs right! He tried this little trick once, too, didnÕt he?
Philourgos:
Even
he didnÕt escape unpunished.
275
Drakis:
Shat
himself and had to surrender his arms to me!
Phadrias:
True
Spartan, though. Ran off without a shirt on his back. Unwashed for six years, unshaven...
Strynidoros:
Stank
to high Heaven, hey Phadrias? Hahaha!
Cough, cough!
Drakis:
Hehehehe!
This is how we surrounded the city,
men!
Phadrias:
But
he was besieged by seventeen men, Drakis. Totally surrounded!
Philourgos:
They
spent the whole night at the gates.
Drakis:
Pointing at the Acropolis
So
that these here god-hated women...
Phadrias:
Hated
by God and by Euripides, by God!
Drakis:
With contempt
Bah! These women are nothing to us, hey
men? Cough, cough! Nothing!
285
Philourgos:
Our
Victory will shine throughout Athens, our four-headed city!
Drakis: Takes up
his equipment again. HeÕs visibly
struggling.
Just
a little way left now and weÕre there, Drakis, my good man!
Phadrias:
And
weÕre doing all this without even a donkey, hey, Strynidoros? On our own bare backs!
Strynidoros:
Ouch!
Damned logs! Two of them have gone and lodged themselves right into my bones...
ah,
well, what can one do, Phadrias? Adjusts
himself
Phadrias:
We
must go on, go on, go on! Walk up the hill, walk up the hill, walk on, walk on,
walk onÉ
Drakis:
Éand
blow hard at the fire He blows into the fire pot. The smoke
proliferates. Phoo, phoo!
295
Philourgos:
What
smoke! By mighty Hercules, what sooty dread!
Drakis:
What...
ouch! Arghhhhhh! What horror
-cough, cough- was it that jumped out of there and, like a
bitch-on-heat
tore at my eyeballs?
Philourgos:
Like
the Volcano of Lemnos, hey, Drakis? This machine smokes and smokes... cough, cough!
Drakis:
...and
scorched and filled my eyes with gunk.
Phadrias:
You
men go on ahead of me to the city!
Run to the aid of Athena!
Phoo, phoo! What smoke,
what
horror!
306
Philourgos: TheyÕve
now reached SR
ItÕs
up to Heaven now, whether the fire burns or not. LetÕs leave the wood here and light up
new,
leafless vines.
Phadrias:
Then,
all of us together, weÕll charge at the gates, hey?
Drakis:
And
if the women wonÕt pull back the bolts, then, weÕll set them all on fire!
Phadrias:
Phoo,
phoo, cough, cough! There! I think
now weÕre winning!
Strynidoros:
Put
down the wood. Cough, splatter, choke... The smoke will kill us!
Drakis:
Ah, for a Samian general to take this wood
from my hands!
Phadrias:
There,
IÕm putting mine down here. TheyÕve bust my balls.
Drakis:
Talking to the pot
ItÕs
up to you now, little potsy. Light
this coal and start the fire! Go
on!
Phadrias: Raises
his hands in prayer
Help
us Glorious Victory, come, stand beside us and drive your triumph right up into
those cocky
women!
They leave the pot down and retreat quietly to their
territory, occupying themselves with various preparations. They do not notice the women when they
enter the stage later. A small
pause before we hear the shouting of women off stage. When they appear from the opposite side we see that itÕs a
group, similar in number, age and
disposition as the old men. They
will form the second warring party and SR will be Òtheir territory.Ó Their leader is Stratyllis. They are carrying buckets, urns, jugs
and pitchers of all sorts, filled with water. TheyÕve noticed the smoke and are
walking through it but theyÕve not seen the men yet.
Stratyllis: Off
stage
Come
quickly, girls! All this smoke
must mean that thereÕs a lot of fire! Run Niki, run, or
youÕll
burn dear. You, too, Kali, run or
youÕll burn, sweetie! Kryti,
darling! YouÕre surrounded
by
smoke, dear and so is everything else around here! Hateful men!
WeÕll lose everything with
their
stupid laws!
Enter women (SR. Their territory).
They carry clubs, sticks, brooms
and all sorts of other
makeshift weapons, as well as
buckets full of water.
Krytilli:
To Stratyllis
I
was at the taps very early this morning, Stratyllis, before dawn, even, trying
to fill my pitcher
with
water and help save these poor friends of ours in there but - God, I hope IÕm
not too late for
that! All that commotion and fuss and traffic
I had to put up with! Every slave in town was
jostling
me about. I heard that some old
men - must be wankers the lot of them -were carting
sticks
and logs around here, threatening to set us on fire, turn us all into charcoal,
they said!
Dear
God, I hope I never get to see my sisters burn like kindling by these bastards.
340
Kallyki:
Yes,
letÕs save them all from the horror of war!
Krytilli:
LetÕs
save Greece and all her people, my dear goddess, Athena, goddess of the golden
helmet!
Stratyllis: She is
walking on into the menÕs territory, still without noticing them.
Oh,
Athena, thrice-born! WeÕve surrounded your home and ask you to be our ally!
Nikothiki:
God,
please give no time to these bastards to build a proper fire. Help us with our water carrying!
Stratyllis suddenly finds herself
inside DrakiÕs arms. He frightens
her and grabs her by the dress.
She runs back towards her friends,
screaming. The dress is torn from her.
The rest of the men now come into focus
also.
Stratyllis:
Let
me go, you old wanker! Help, help!
350
Kallyki:
What
is all this? YouÉ you evil bastards! What are you up to, hey? You must be the real nasty type if all
this smoke is your doing!
Other women come to StratyllisÕ
aid and help her escape. They then turn ferociously upon
Drakis, pelting him with all their
weapons.
Drakis:
Enough! Oh, no! God help us! Looks around him and is terrified at the
sight of all the women
Ach!
Now IÕve seen everything! A whole
paddock of them! A whole herd of
them! TheyÕre all
gathered
around the gates. Stuttering with fear. And
whaaaaat are you all doing here, then, hey?
He goes and picks up a lighted
piece of wood and waves it about threateningly but he is still petrified.
Stratyllis:
Ha!
Shitting yourself with fear, are you?
Indicating her friends What, you mean this little lot?
This
is nothing. This is just a tiny number of us out here. You should see the rest of us!
Drakis: Outraged
Hey,
Phadrias, are we going to let these old weather-beaten shags cackle like this
for ever?
ShouldnÕt
we break a rod across their back?
Stratyllis:
Girls,
put your buckets down and get ready for them - and if they dare raise a hand!
360
Phadrias:
Just
a couple of slaps about the face would do it, I should think, Drakis. That
should shut them
up. The sort of slaps our famous sculptor,
Voupalos, copped. Hahaha! Imitating Boof,
boof!
Stratyllis: Steps
between them
Oh
yea? Well, here you are! Do it! Go
on, do it!
Offers her face for the slapping.
HereÕs
my face. Just try it! Come on!
Phadrias approaches tentatively.
Booh!
Phadrias withdraws frightened
You
do boy, and youÕll get to know what it would feel like if some wild dogs took a
liking to
your
ballsÉ and ripped them right off and right out of your crotch! Go on, try!
Phadrias:
Phadrias
withdraws further
If
you donÕt shut up, you old hag, IÕllÉ IÕllÉ IÕll rip your guts out!
Kallyki::
Oh,
yeah? You just raise one finger against our Strato here andÉ
Phadrias:
One
finger? One finger! Oh, I am
soooooo scared now! IÕll raise a full fist of them against the
silly,
old bitch!
Krytilli:
IÕll
tear your guts AND your lungs out - with my own teeth!
Strynidoros: Looking
for support from his group
ThereÕs
no wiser man -or poet- than Euripides, hey men? And he was right, too, when he said, ÒThereÕs no creature so
vulgar as a woman.Ó
370
Stratyllis:
Rhodippi,
dear, pick up your jug again and get ready.
Strynidoros:
Yea,
andÉ andÉ why did youÉ youÉ God-cursed creature, why did you bring all this water
here,
hey?
Stratyllis:
And
you, you old bum-beater, why did you bring all this fire here, hey? To roast yourselves? Hahahaha!
Phadrias:
No,
to build a nice little pyre for you and your friends.
Stratyllis:
And
we, weÕll quench this fire of yours with our water.
Drakis:
You!
YouÕll quench our fire? Hah!
Stratyllis:
With
our water. YouÕll see!
A battle starts between Stratyllis
and Drakis. She tries to throw the
water on the fire, he tries to
burn her with a lighted branch.
Other warring pairs are made here who will be seen as
reconciled friends at the close of
the play.
Drakis:
Lunging at her crotch with the torch
I
donÕt think so. In fact I think I
mightÉ just apply a little bit of heat under there for you...
Stratyllis:
Oh,
yea? She approaches him, finds out he
smells badly and pinches her nose
Pooh! O, my goodness! Listen, you old piece
of filth, if you happen to have a bit of soap with
you,
I might just do you the favour and give you a bath!
Drakis:
A
bath? Me! Oh, you old piece of carcass!
Stratyllis:
Yea,
itÕll be a real nuptial bath.
Phadrias:
Ohhhh! What arrogance!
Rhodippi:
Because
IÕm an emancipated woman!
Philourgos:
IÕll
emancipate your throat for that!
380
Rhodippi:
Ha!
No more shitty, stifling laws from your parliamentary bench, boy!
Strynidoros:
Burn
her hair for that!
Stratyllis:
Flood
the bastards! Do your stuff girls, drown them now!
The women chase the men about
until they pour their water all over the menÕs heads.
Drakis:
Bloody
hell!
Stratyllis:
ItÕs
not tooooo hot, for you, is it, deary?
Drakis:
Hot? WhatÕs hot?
She throws a bit more water on
him, this time directed at his phallus
Stop!
What do you think youÕre doing?
Stratyllis:
IÕmÉ
watering you.
Pointing at his fallen phallus
See
if I can get some new growth out of you!
Drakis:
IÕm
frrrrreezing, trrrrrembling!
Stratyllis:
Well,
go sit by your fire then!
The women withdraw cautiously into
their territory (SR). The magistrate, a paradigm of a
pompous, corrupt politician,
followed by a number -at least four- of
Skythian archers enter from
stage left. (Note: The archers are the common
police force of Athens at the time.)
Magistrate:
Well,
then! Has all this womanish pandemonium finished yet? Have they all finished with their
lunatic
drum beating and their vulgar drunken orgies and their rooftop wailing over
their poor
little
Adonis? All this stuff reminds of
the day -may we never see that day
again!- when
Demostratus
talked us into sailing against Sicily. Remember? His drunken wife began an orgy
of
lamentations
about her little Adonis. Mocking her ÒOh, my poor, poor, little Adonis, my
poor
little
Adonis! Oh, my poor, poor, little
Adonis.Ó She squealed and squealed interminably. Then
Demostratus,
the old piece of dung went on with Òwe need to enlist soldiers from
Zakynthos!Ó
and
off she went again! She got
up onto her roof this time and began screeching, ÒCry, cry, ye
all
for poor, poor Adonis!Ó She
screamed and carried on like this until the old ball-busting,
wrath-straddled,
God-cursed bastard, Demostratus, to spite her, pushed his vote through the
Assembly!
Such are the wild, undisciplined doings of women!
399
Drakis:
And
if you only knew just how wild and undisciplined, they are, sir. The insults
these women
have
subjected us to! Not only
have they called us all sorts of disgusting names but then, to add
injuries
to their insults, theyÕve tossed jugfuls of water all over us -soaked us
through and
through!
We look likeÉ weÕve pissed ourselves!
Magistrate:
Because,
by Salty Poseidon, we are so piss-weak ourselves! All this awful stuff, is our very
own
fault! Because we are the ones who spoil them
rotten and corrupt their little brains.
We sow this
sort
of thinking into their small skulls.
Because, what do we husbands do?
IÕll show you what we do:
HereÕs one husband going to the jewelerÕs:
Mocks a piss-weak husband
ÒHey
mister jeweler. You know that
bracelet youÕve made for my
wife? You know how we
went
dancing the other night? Weeeeell,
its little thingy broke and it slipped out of its little
holey-poley
while she was dancing last night and now the thingy is broken. IÕm off to war
now,
so...
could you be a nice little boy and go over to her tonight to fix it for her, to
put the little
thingy
back into the little holey polley, please?Ó
Or
another idiot will go over to the shoemaker whoÕs a huge, strong man with a
prick to match
and
he says to him, mocking again
ÒO,
please, mister cobbler, my wifeÕs little tootsie wootsie is hurting a bit
because the strap on her
sandal
is a little titsy bitsy, witsy, too tight. Could you please run over to her at
midday and
stretch
it out a bit for her? Make it
widddddder for her, please?Ó
So,
here we are now, suffering the
consequences of this sort of piss-weak behaviourÉ I need to
go
in there now, to get some money to
pay the cityÕs rowers. How am I
going to do that if these
bloody
women have bolted all the gates, hey?
But
I wonÕt stand for it! Bring me the crow bars, men! IÕll make them pay for this insolence!
To one of his Skythian archers Hey,
you! What are you gaping at, moron?
Looking for a tavern,
are
you? Damn you! Come on men, letÕs put our ramrods here,
under the gates and ram them
open! IÕll put my rod here with yours, too.
They start at this but Lysistrata
enters through the gates of the acropolis. SheÕs followed by
Caloniki, Myrrhini, the Skythian
policewoman and other wives. They are carrying little baskets
out of which they will
eventually bring some ribbons, a
wreath and a garland.
Lysistrata:
You
wonÕt have to ram open any gates,
boys! See? IÕm here, of my own accord!
Looks about her at the menÕs
efforts
Why
the rams, boys? We donÕt need rams
here, we just need a bit of brain. Much better than all
the
rams in the world. We should just use a bit of grey matter and nous, thatÕs
all! This is
AthenaÕs
Temple. Athena, boys, the Goddess of wisdom!
Magistrate:
Is
that a fact, you... you over-defiled wench? He
searches among the men.
WhereÕs
my archer? Hey, you! Officer! Grab this whore and tie her hands
behind her back –
both
of them!
Lysistrata:
Oh
yea? Well, let me tell you, Mister
Magistrate, sir! Officer or not,
he who touches even my
little
pinky shall spill plenty of tears for it.
Skythian retreats cowardly.
Magistrate: Disgusted
What? Are you afraid man? Two of you then! Quickly, grab her by her waist. Seize her!
Two Skythians attempt this.
Caloniki:
Steps forward threateningly. To the
Magistrate.
Hey!
If they as much as lay a finger on our Lysistrata, IÕll kick the shit out of
you, trust meÉ sir!
IÕll
make you brown your pants!
Skythians retreat cowardly behind
the other men
441
Magistrate: Disgusted
at his officers again.
Me
brown my pants? Me! YouÕll be the
one shitting yourself in a minute!
Looking for his officer again Damn it, whereÕs my officer? Finds
one Here, you! Tie up this big
mouth
first!
The officer attempts this but heÕs
also stopped by Myrrhini
Myrrhini:
Go
on then, touch our Caloniki if you dare, go on! One little fingertip, plop face and youÕll be
calling
for surgery.
Magistrate: Turns to
Myrrhini
By
the gods! And whoÕs this one then?
Skythian, leave that one and grab this one first! IÕll
put
an end to this outrageous exodus!
Officer attempts this too but
again heÕs stopped by Stratyllis.
She is charging forward with the
rest of her women.
Stratyllis:
To
the Skythian
You
touch our Myrrhini old man and IÕll rip all you hair out. Strand by miserable strand.
ThatÕll
make you squeal like the pig you are!
Skythian retreats behind friendly
forces.
448
Magistrate:
Damn
my rotten luck! The cops have
vanished! How on earth could we
ever let a bunch of
women
beat us like this? Come on, my
good Skythians! LetÕs all march forward together in a
group
and rush them!
Lysistrata:
Hahahaha! I think you ought to know, mister Magistrate!
There are four battalions of us women
here. And we are all very, very well armed,
very, very willing, very, very able and very, very
ready!
She lunges towards them
Magistrate:
Quick,
now! Officers, tie their hands up!
Lysistrata:
To the audience
Women!
Sisters! Come out here, all of
you! All you sellers of seed, of
pumpkin, of peas and
beans;
of garlic and wine, of hotel beds and flour and bread! All of you, darlings whoÕve
been
pushed
and smacked around, whoÕve been insulted.
Come out all of you!
All men rush to obey the magistrate
and all women to assist Lysistrata.
A noisy and chaotic
melee ensues. The Skythians are
soaked to the core. In the battle
thereÕs a comical, non-verbal
confusion and hints are made at
another possible romance, that of
the female Skythian and the
male Skythian (the one insulted by
the magistrate earlier.) Also, the
magistrate confronts the
female Skythian at one point and heÕs outraged when he realises she is working on the
side of
the women. He mumbles, Òmore womanish
treachery!Ó At the end, the
Skythians and DrakisÕ
men suffer great losses and
withdraw thoroughly shamed to their territory, at SL.
462
Magistrate:
By
the gods! Look at my poor Archers!
TheyÕve all been thoroughly thrashed!
Lysistrata:
Of
course they did! What did you
think? That you were dealing with
some little slave girls or
women
with no fortitude?
Magistrate:
Fortitude? Oh, youÕve got that all rightÉ YouÕve
got ballsÉ when youÕre drunk!
Drakis:
YouÕve
wasted enough words, here, Your Honour.
WhatÕs the point of exchanging civil
words
with wild beasts?
470
Philourgos:
Yeah,
canÕt you see the washing they gave us -clothes and all, and no soap!
Stratyllis: To the
Magistrate
You
need to learn not to raise an angry hand against your neighbour, sir, because
if you do, youÕll
end
up with a black eye.
Kallyki: Also to
the Magistrate
And
if I want to just sit on my bum and think all day long, like a demure little
maid, hurting no-
one
and stirring no-oneÕs twig then thatÕs just what IÕll do!
Krytilli: Also to
the Magistrate
And
if you want to take the honey from my little honey pot, well then, Mister
Magistrate,
beware!
YouÕll be stirring my sting!
The
Magistrate turns and gathers the men around him for a conference. The women do the same in their
territory.
Magistrate:
O,
God! How do we deal with these beasts?
I canÕt take much more of this torture!
Drakis:
LetÕs
think this through... Whatever gave them the idea to climb this unclimable
cliff, to this
sacred
and glorious ground? What made them want to come and take over the Acropolis?
Strynidoros: To the
Magistrate
Ask
her, Your Honour! Question her! And donÕt trust her. Question everything she says and
does.
Philourgos:
ItÕd
be shameful to let this go without a sound trial.
Magistrate:
Right,
then!
Breaks the huddle. Walks over to
Lysistrata
You!
First thing I wish to know from you is, what were your thoughts when you came
to shut our
Acropolis
up with bars and rams?
Lysistrata:
So
as to keep the money away from you.
So that you canÕt use it for your stupid war!
Magistrate:
You
think we need money for war?
Lysistrata:
Yeah,
I think you need money for war! And not only for war but youÕve also screwed up
everything
else with it, as well! This war of yours has given crooked leaders like
Peisandros - to
use
but one example- the opportunity to steal money, so as to feed their constantly
rumbling guts!
So,
my dear Magistrate, what we will do is this: we will let their guts go on
rumbling. From now
on
they wonÕt be able to do what they want with that money. That money will not come down
out
of there just to shut up the rumbling of their guts, not ever again!
Magistrate:
O
yeah? And what will you do with
it?
Lysistrata:
What
do you mean, Òwhat will we do with it?Ó
WeÕll keep it safe, thatÕs what weÕll do with it!
Magistrate:
You? Keep it safe?
Lysistrata:
WhatÕs
so hard about that? WeÕve kept the
house purses safe for years!
Magistrate:
House
purses? House purses? ThatÕs a totally different thing, you silly woman!
Lysistrata:
Why
is that?
Magistrate:
This
is a war fund, you stupid woman! A war fund, get it?
Lysistrata:
And
thatÕs exactly our first goal: No more war!
Magistrate:
No
war? No war? How on earth are we
going to protect ourselves without war?
Lysistrata:
WeÕll
protect you! No need for war!
Magistrate:
You
lot? Huh!
Lysistrata: Swinging
her bum lasciviously.
Yes,
just little olÕ us! We, the women!
Magistrate:
Savagery!
Lysistrata:
WeÕll
save you, Mister Magistrate, sir!
Whether you like it or not!
Magistrate:
Grrr.
What a painful utterance!
Lysistrata:
What
are you getting angry about? What
needs to be done, must be done!
Magistrate:
But...
God! God... ItÕs so... so... bloody unfair!
500
Lysistrata:
But
itÕs the right, the proper thing to do!
Magistrate:
What
if I donÕt want to?
Lysistrata:
All
the more reason, to do it then!
Magistrate:
What
got you so concerned about war and peace all of a sudden?
Lysistrata:
What?
Well, let me tell youÉ
Magistrate: Interrupts
her by angrily raising his fists
Talk
fast then, before your tears begin to roll.
Lysistrata:
All
right. Listen then but keep your
fists to yourself.
Magistrate: Looks at
his hands which are still shaking with anger.
I
canÕt... itÕs... too hard for me.
YouÕve got them all angry!
Stratyllis: Raises
her own fist at him
Then
itÕs you whoÕll be doing the crying!
505
Magistrate:
Bah!
Go croak those words to yourself, you old hag! (To Lysistrata)
You!
Talk to me!
Lysistrata:
But
of course! Now! Before the war,
everything you men did, we suffered in silence and dignity because you wouldnÕt
let us make a sound. Not a peep.
God,
we hated you for that! And then, all the time, weÕd hear about all those
dreadful decisions youÕd be making about some very important issue or other.
But, weÕd put on a smile to hide the pain and weÕd come to you with, Òhow did
parliament go today, darling? Any laws posted on the law pillars about
peace?Ó Well, my own husband would
answer with, ÒGrrrrÉ whatÕs it to you?Ó and with ÒGrrrrÉ wonÕt you ever shut up,
woman?Ó So, IÕd shut up.
Stratyllis:
Me? IÕd never shut up!
Magistrate:
You! By God, IÕd have given you something to
squawk about, you old crow!
Lysistrata:
And
thatÕs exactly why I did shut up! But then, other stupid decisions of yours
would come up and again weÕd ask, Òhusband, how could you do such stupid
things?Ó And the dear hubby would
take one frowny look at me and tell me to go back to my weaving or heÕd give me
something to really scream my head about. Then heÕd say what Hektor said to his
wife, Adromache, Òwar is menÕs business!Ó The foolÕs been reading too much
Homer!
520
Magistrate:
And
heÕd be right, too!
Lysistrata:
But
how so, you God-spewed fool? We
had to accept your policies even when they were
totally
ill-judged. All right. We did that for a while but then we began hearing your
pitiful
crying
in the street, mocking the men crying in
the street ÒWe need men! Where
are the men? Oh me, oh my! There isnÕt a man left in our country, not even
one!Ó
So,
we women thought we should get together and save Greece. Enough waiting for you lot of foolish
men to do it. We, women, can wait no longer. And if you want to take your turn at shutting up and listen
to our good advice, weÕll straighten everything out for you!
529
Magistrate: Fuming
with anger
You? YouÕll straighten everything out for
us? The dreadful things you say,
woman!
I
wonÕt stand for that! Grrrr!
Lysistrata:
I
thought I said, shut up!
Magistrate:
Damned
woman! Me shut up for you? A womanÉ a woman wearing a scarf over her
head? Never!
Lysistrata: Removes
scarf and places it over the MagistrateÕs head.
Oh,
is this whatÕs bothering you?
Well, here you are! ItÕs
off mine and onto yours!
Now
you can shut up!
Stratyllis: Walks
over and hangs a basket over his limp elbow. The Magistrate now
looks comically like a woman.
And
you can have this little basket, too!
Lysistrata:
Your
sewing is in there. And some beans
to chew on while youÕre working on it.
From
now on, sewing for you, war for us!
540
Stratyllis: (To the
rest of the old women)
Put
your jugs down, women, so that we can give our friends here, a hand.
ItÕs
our turn now.
Kallyki:
Great! I never tire doing the sacred dance and
my good knees donÕt buckle with the
workload.
Krytilli:
Me,
too. I want to be just like them in everything. Same nature, same charm, same
bravery,
same wisdom, just as patriotic, as virtuous and as proud!
Stratyllis:
So,
come all you grannies and nannies of the bravest, prickliest of all the nettles!
Let
loose your anger but donÕt slacken the force of your charge.
The
wind is right behind us, women! LetÕs go!
550
Lysistrata:
And
so long as sweet-tempered Eros and Aphrodite are still bulging our breasts and
cunts
with
their lusty breath and so long as they make our menÕs pricks stand like
policemenÕs
truncheons,
IÕm sure that soon, the whole of Greece will be calling us ÒBattle Blockers!Ó
Magistrate:
Is
that right? SoÉ what will you do?
Lysistrata:
If
we first stop the mindless display of arms and lunacy in the market place...
Stratyllis:
ThatÕs
right, by Aphrodite!
Lysistrata:
Stupid
bastards, theyÕre everywhere!
Armed to the teeth and pacing up and down between
the
cabbage stalls and the pottery shops, like frenzied lunatics! Idiots!
Magistrate:
But
of course, woman, thatÕs the way of heroes!
Lysistrata:
But
doesnÕt it look just a little queer to you? I mean, men carrying a huge shield
with
the
drawing of a fearsome gorgon painted all over it... looking to buy sardines?
560
Stratyllis:
Ha!
ThatÕs so damned true! I saw a guard the other day. Long haired fool, on a horse, stuffing his
shiny
bronze helmet full with peas which heÕd bought from an old womanÕs stall. And
another
one, a Thracian, jerking and shaking his spear and shield about, frightening
some
poor
old woman out of her wits, pinching all the ripe figs from her stall and
stuffing
himself
with them, just like a real barbarian.
Everyone else, including the MagistrateÕs
men, burst into loud chuckles and
laughter
Magistrate:
All
right, all right! So, how will
you... women, be able to put an end to all this terrible
turbulence
amongst all the nations? How would
you undo it all?
Lysistrata:
With
great ease!
Magistrate:
Oh,
yes? Is that right? Well?
How? Come on, show me!
Lysistrata:
We
shall undo all this turbulence just like we undo the knots in a ball of wool. We simply
pick
up the spindles and we pull one thread this way, another that way, another this
way,
anotherÉ
Simple!
ThatÕs
how weÕll get rid of all the knots.
WeÕll send out some embassies here, some
embassies
thereÉ
Magistrate:
Fools!
You think you can stop such great problems with spindles and wool?
Lysistrata:
But
of course! And if you, too, had
the intelligence to undo knots in balls of wool, youÕd
be
able to undo knots in the State, as well!
Magistrate:
Knots
in wool? Knots in wool? What on
earth are you talking about, woman?
Show me!
575
Lysistrata:
Sure.
Lysistrata now turns and speaks
directly at the audience as if sheÕs giving them a lecture, as if sheÕs holding
them responsible for much of AthensÕ predicament.
You
simply wash the city just like you wash wool.
First,
you put the wool into the tub and get rid of all the daggy bits, all the crap
around its bum.
Then
you put it on a bed, take a rod and scrutch and bonk all the burrs and spikes out
it.
All
those burrs and spikes that have gathered themselves into tight knots and balls
and are tearing
and
tangling the wool of State, well, you just tease them out of there. Rip their heads off!
Then,
off for the combing. You put all the wool together into one basket. All of it! Friends,
foreign
or local, allies -anyone whoÕs good for the State. Drop them all in there. As well as our
citizens
from the colonies. Consider them,
too, as part of the same ball of
wool, only separated
from
each other. So, what with all
those colonies joining the ball, youÕll be able to weave a cloak
big
enough for the whole city.
Magistrate:
How
bloody frightening! All this
spindle spinning and rod rodding these women want to do!
What
do they know about the suffering
that goes with war? About bearing
the burden of war?
None!
Lysistrata:
None? None! You warped wanker! We suffer twice as much as you.
Firstly,
we give birth to these men which you promptly send off to war...
590
Magistrate: Interrupts
her
Oh, shut up you stupid woman! LetÕs forget all this stuff!
Lysistrata: Ignoring
the interruption
Éand secondly,
we women, have every right to be enjoying the prime of our life - which is
now! But because of all these
campaigns of yours, we all go to bed alone these days. And itÕs not only us who are suffering
but our daughters, too, whose prime is passing them by even faster. TheyÕre in there, in their rooms,
totally alone.
Magistrate:
And
donÕt men get old, too?
Lysistrata:
You
think itÕs the same? When a man
comes back from his battle, even if heÕs old and grey, he can still find a
fuck, whereas a womanÕs prime races by and if no one grabs it, sheÕll never get
a fuck! So, the poor thing just
sits there, in her room, all alone, reading marriage omens!
Magistrate:
Well,
yes, if a man can still get it upÉ
Lysistrata: This
time she interrupts him angrily.
War
suffering! Bah! You obviously know nothing about real suffering, soÉ so why
donÕt you just drop dead, hey?
She looks about her.
Here
you are! HereÕs a perfect spot for you!
IÕll get you a coffin and bake you the burial cake...
and
here! Takes out a garland from a basket
and throws it around his neck.
Crown
yourself with this.
The rest of the women gather around
him and with hilarity and derision, dress him up as a
corpse.
Stratyllis:
Hang
on a minute! Takes out a ribbon from the
basket and wraps it around him
And
take this from me, too.
Kallyki: Takes out
a wreath and puts it on his head
And
this from me.
Lysistrata:
Need
anything else? No? Well? Hop on the boat, then, Mister Magistrate, sir!
Puts her hand to her ear
Hear
that? ItÕs Charon calling you. Next
stop the Undersworld! Go on! Hop
it! WhatÕs holding
you
back? Cark it, you old kook!
Magistrate:
My
God, the things I have to endure!
Right! ThatÕs it! IÕm
off to show my brother
magistrates
what these women have done to me! IÕll go exactly as I am! Just like this!
Magistrate and Skythians exit,
stage left.
The women burst into laughter.
Lysistrata: Shouting
behind him
DonÕt
complain that we didnÕt give you a good funeralÉ and weÕll give you your the proper
three-day
memorial the day after tomorrow, if you want!
Satisfied and with laughter,
Lysistrata, Caloniki, Myrrhini and the Skythian woman archer leave
the stage through the gates of the
acropolis.
Scene
3
614
Drakis:
Moves
with his men towards the centre of the battle. He is totally bemused
for a few
seconds as the scene changes.
Then, agitated and determined, he stares his enemy in the face
and:
Right! Right! All right then!
All right! Time for all free
men to stand up and get ready for
action. Right! Takes off his cloak, ready for action.
Right!
LetÕs strip, men and letÕs just examine this huge issue.
His limp phallus becomes even more
conspicuous now that heÕs taken off his cloak
Right!
His men follow suit
Phadrias: Suddenly
hit by the smell which resulted
from their last action
Buh!
I can smell something very foul around here. Becoming serious
In
fact, I can smell HippiasÕ rule of tyranny behind all this. I can smell HippiasÕ type of
dilemma:
horsey woman on top! IÕmÉ IÕm petrified! I have an awful hunch that some
Spartan
men
might have gathered all their women together and tugged them all off to the
house of that
womaniser,
Cleisthenes, who, in turn, got them all to stir up our own women here to seize
our
funds
- and my wages, my daily bread!
Philourgos:
ItÕs
grotesque how these women are running around alarming our citizens with ejaculations
about
bronze
shields and about making peace with SpartansÉ Spartans!
TheyÕre
about as trustworthy as wolves with gaping and salivating mouths!
Strynidoros:
Mates,
these things, these things are all threads these bastards are weaving to get a
cloth of
tyranny
together over us. Ah, but, no!
We wonÕt bow to tyranny! ÒIÕll stand aloof,Ó as the song goes: Sings saucily
ÒOh, IÕll bury my sword in the myrtle bush, the
myrtle bush, the myrtle bush...Ó
and
IÕll stand -fully armed- behind the statue of our favourite tyrant killer,
Aristogeiton, in
the
market place. IÕll stand there
just like he did: at the ready for the ambush andÉ andÉ
Pointing at Stratyllis Éwhen
this God-hated woman turns up, IÕll smack her in that big gob of
hers!
635
Stratyllis:
Oh,
yeah? You just try and your own
mother wonÕt be able to recognise you when you get
home
-if you get home!
To the women My
darling oldies... takes a hold of her
jacket, rips it off and throws it to the
ground first,
letÕs throw these to the ground!
Kallyki:
Athenians! Let us begin our good work by giving
our city some useful words. And itÕs good and
proper
that we should give her some good advice because she raised us in absolute
luxury. I, for
example,
when I was but seven years old, I was made a temple attendant. Then, when I turned
ten,
I was given the duty of grinding the sacred barley at ArtemisÕ temple and was
also one of the
participants
at the festival, one of the little bears, as we call them. I used to have to
take off my
saffron
robe and dance naked in the procession. Later on, of course, when I became a beautiful
young
woman, I used to carry the string of sacred dried figs at AthenaÕs
procession. ThatÕs the
greatest
honour that can be bestowed upon an Athenian girl!
Krytilli:
And
thatÕs why I owe it to our city to give
something useful back to it, in return. (To the men)
DonÕt
hold it against me for being born a woman or for knowing how to fix these awful
problems
we
are facing at the moment. My
contribution to the common cause will be real men! Because
you
lot, you old codgers and tax dodgers, youÕve contributed nothing. All you did was to waste
what
your grandfathers put there. All
that wealth they had brought back from their victory in the
Persian
wars. YouÕve wasted all that up
and youÕre sending us headlong into bankruptcy!
Drakis moves towards her angrily
but she takes out her shoe and waves it angrily at him.
And
any more grief from you, old man and IÕll smash your jaw with my shoe!
Drakis:
My
God! Is this arrogance not unbearable?
Right! Right! All right
then! Fine! I call onÉ I call
on
all men with pricks and balls! We must all raise against this outrage right now
before it gets
any
worse!
All the men look at their limp
members for a moment. Their
histrionics display their dismay.
Philourgos:
Shirts
off, men, so that they can see the powerful man and the powerful smell his
smell all at
once.
ItÕs not right to turn our menÕs bodies into stuffed vine leaves!
They all take off their shirts
with rumblings of ÒthatÕs right,Ó Òtoo bloody rightÓ ÒweÕll show
them what weÕre made ofÓ
Drakis:
Right! Arise, all you men who wear the bright
medals of the bright winners of the
bright battles a
hundred
years old - and more! You, brave men who wear the white sandals! Ah, we sure were
something
back then, werenÕt we, mates? LetÕs now rise again, men! LetÕs rid ourselves of
this
old
age and letÕs give our bodies new wings!
670
Phadrias:
DonÕt
let any of you men give these women the slightest grip on anything, because
nothing
escapes
their greasy hands. TheyÕll be
building ships and taking off for sea battles next –
sailing
against us, like that traitor, Artemisia, when we were fighting the
Persians. And if
they
set their minds to take on horse riding, then we can forget about our cavalry!
Because
when
it comes to riding, these women know it all! Even at the gallop you canÕt get
them
to
fall off! Just look at those paintings of Mikon, for example, with all those
Amazons!
These
are not women, they are fighting men! So, our duty men, is clearly this: It is to
grab
them by their neck and place that neck of theirs firmly in the public pillory! With a
sudden move he lunges towards
Rhodippi whom she catches for a second but she escapes him
681
Rhodippi:
My
God! Any more of this sort of heat from you, boy andÉ weÕll set loose our cunts
on
you!
IÕll make you rush off to your little boy friends crying and whimpering like
little shagged
sheep.
Behhhhehe!
Startyllis:
Right
girls! We women have our own
smells, too. Let them get a whiff
of it girls!
Take
off your shirts andÉ (rushes at the men) ...chaaaaaarge!
690
Kallyki: Daring
the men
Come
on then, one of you try and hit me, come on! Huh! YouÕll never be able to chew
garlic
again, nor black beans, if you did.
To Philourgos who begins to charge
towards her
One
bad word from you, old kook and IÕll rip your testicles offÉ just like the
little beetle did to
the
eagleÕs eggs in AesopÕs little story. Chirp, chirp ouch, ouch!
Stratyllis::
Huh!
And me? IÕm not worried about you men.
Not while my Lampito and that noble girl from
Thebes,
Ismenia, are still alive. To Drakis You?
You lot are totally useless! Seven rounds of
legislating
and still nothing! ThatÕs how much
everyone in this city hates you!
Just
yesterday I had a party for all of us women, in honour of Hekate so I invited
one of the
neighbours,
a stunning little whore, beautiful, like a Boetian eel, no less, but no, she
wasnÕt
allowed
to come, thanks to your stupid laws. It seems youÕll never stop all this
stupid,
aggravating,
masturbating, legislating, until someoneÉ lunges
at DrakisÕ phallus Égrabs you by
your
groinÕs dangler, tosses you about andÉ rips your bum apart!
The
men retreat panic stricken. Under subtle light changes they retreat to their
territory and, ashamed, take away all the wood and implements theyÕve brought
in with their first entrance.
These implements will not be used again for the duration of the
play. The men stay at their
territory for the duration of the next scene.
A small pause before Lysistrata
enters through the gates. She looks distressed.
Scene
4
Stratyllis:: To
Lysistrata, expansively
Ah,
leader of this enterprise... leader of this grand scheme! Why have you come down
from
your lofty chambers? And why do
you look so deeply worried, woman?
Lysistrata:
The
behaviour of bad women and their sex-clogged brains, Stratyllis! ThatÕs why I
lose
heart!
IÕve been spending all day long pacing nervously up and down!
710
Krytilli:
Why,
Lysistrata? WhatÕs up?
Lysistrata:
ItÕs
true, girls, we have sex-clogged brains!
Kallyki:
Well? Tell your friends, then! WhatÕs the
matter, darling?.
Lysistrata: Sighing
deeply
Ah!
ItÕs too shameful to tell and itÕs too heavy to carry around in your chest.
Stratyllis::
Well,
donÕt hide it, from us, then Lysistrata.
Give us the full damage report.
Lysistrata:
To
put it in just four words, girls, Òwe need a fuck!Ó
Together:
Oh,
my Goddddd!
Lysistrata:
God? God? What are you calling him for? WhatÕs he got to do with it! ItÕs the way things are
with
us. I just canÕt keep these women
off their husbandsÕ pricks!
TheyÕre constantly running
off.
One of them I caught scratching a hole on the wall that leads to PanÕs cave
-you know, where
Apollo
did all his raping; another was trying to escape by hurling herself down some
lever-and-
pulley
thing, and another - this one decided to climb up onto a bird yesterday, no
doubt hoping to
fly
over to that womaniserÕs house, Orsilochus, but I tore that one down by her
hair. So far,
theyÕve
used every possible excuse to go home.
Caloniki rushes out of the Acropolis,
looking frantic.
HereÕs
one of them now. Hey you! Where
are you running off to?
Caloniki:
UmÉ
ummmÉ I really need to go home, Lysistrata. I need to check my Milesian wool.
I
think the moths might be eating it.
730
Lysistrata:
What
damned moths? Get back inside,
girl!
Caloniki:
IÕll
be right back, I swear by the Gods, Lysistrata! Just let me go and spread my wool on the bed,
Lysistrata.
It wonÕt take long!
Lysistrata:
YouÕll
go nowhere and spread nothing, anywhere!
Caloniki:
So
will I let my wool just die, then?
Lysistrata:
If
thatÕs what will happen, then yes!
Myrrhini rushes out similarly.
Myrrhini:
Oh,
what a stupid fool I am! Stupid, stupid, stupid fool! Hahahaha! I forgot my
lovely flax totally
unscutched
at home!
Lysistrata:
HereÕs
another! Out to get her Òflax scutched!Ó Back inside, you!
Myrrhini:
Oh
but I swear Lysistrata, by the moon even, please! Do let me just go and bonk it a little.
IÕll
be right back!
Lysistrata:
No,
no bonking! Because - because, you stupid girl, if you do it then every other
woman in there
will
want to do it as well!
Ismenia, the Boetian wife, rushes
out similarly. This one looks pregnant.
Ismenia:
Dear
God, dear God, deary, deary deary me, o, my God! Oh dear God!
Oh, divine protector of
births!
I beg you, hold back this delivery till I get out of this sacred soil!
Lysistrata:
What
are you warbling on about, woman?
Ismenia:
IÕm
about to give birth, Lysistrata!
Lysistrata:
Birth? But you werenÕt pregnant yesterday.
745
Ismenia:
Today
I am, though. Please, Lysistrata,
send me home to the midwife, send me off as
quickly
as possible!
Lysistrata:
So
youÕre pregnant hey? She feels the bulge
And whatÕs this you got here, hey?
ItÕs
soooo hard!
Ismenia:
Yeah,
itÕs a boy!
Lysistrata:
LetÕs
see thenÉ My god! Taps at the bulge Sounds like thereÕs something bronzey under there...
And
it sounds like itÕs hollow inside.
LetÕs see this baby of yours. Lifts
up IsmeniaÕs skirt and
discloses the article Ah,
ha! The sacred helmet of Athena!
YouÕre not pregnant after all, are you
my
stupid girl?
Ismenia:
But
I am pregnant, Lysistrata, I know I am! I swear I am!
Lysistrata:
And
this helmet is for?
Ismenia:
Éin
case I was overtaken by the labour pains while I was in the Acropolis. IÕd give
birth
in
this helmetÉ like the pigeonsÉ so that the birth wouldnÕt touch the sacred
ground, you
understand,
Lysistrata, donÕt you?É IÕm trying not to defile the sacred ground of Acropolis
with
my
birth.
Lysistrata:
My
God! What excuses! Yes, all right. I understand, nowÉ the birth will pollute
the holy
groundÉ
No! YouÕre not going anywhere, my girl!
YouÕll just have to stay here for the babyÕs –
I
mean the helmetÕs- naming party!
Ismenia:
But
Lysistrata, since I saw the sacred snake, roaming about the temple I canÕt even
sleep
here.
Corinthian whore rushes out feigning
similar distress
760
Corinthian
Whore:
IÕm
going nuts with these owls! All damned night long! Woooooo, wooooooo,
woooooo!
Lysistrata:
Enough!
Fools! Enough exaggerations! All right! Perhaps you do miss the pricks. All
right! But donÕt you think they miss you
too? They are going through some
very stiff
nights
themselves, out there!
Believe
me! Control yourselves, darlings
and persevere for just a little longer, becauseÉ because
thereÕs
an oracle about us and it predicts a victory for us -thatÕs if we donÕt split
asunder and
begin
fighting each other! Takes a scroll out of the folds of her dress
Here it is!
Myrrhini:
Tell
us what it says!
770
Lysistrata:
Listen
then:
Ò... but when the swallows repel the pricks of
the heath cocks and flee from them and gather together in one spot, all their
worries will be gone - and as for the rest, All-Cracking Zeus will turn the
uppers into lowers and vice-versa.Ó
Corinthian
Whore:
You
mean weÕll be doing the riding
from now on? Horsey on top?
Lysistrata:
(continues reading)
ÒÉbut! If the swallows should split asunder and
raise their wings to fly from the holy temple, then the world will be saying
that thereÕs no bird alive, none more lecherous than us, I mean the swallow!Ó
Ismenia:
Now
thatÕs one oracle thatÕs pretty clear in meaning! Very unusual!
Lysistrata:
So,
letÕs not weaken when things go tough on us, girls. LetÕs go inside.
It
would be a sacrilege, my dear friends, if we betray the oracle.
Lysistrata and wives exit into the
acropolis. All women except
Stratyllis and Kallyki move to
their territory.
Dusk then Dawn.
Intermezzo
Philourgos
moves towards Kallyki and Drakis towards Stratyllis. This is a short farce, the purpose of which is to create a
battleground upon which, slowly, the seeds of romance are sown for these two
couples.
780
Drakis:
To Stratyllis
I
want to tell you something. I want to tell you a story now. One which I heard
when I was a
young
boy, and itÕs about a man called Melanion. Melanion wanted to escape marriage
so he ran
off
first to the desert and then to the mountains and there, with the help of his
dog and his nets, he
hunted
rabbits; and Melanion, because of this hatred for women, he never came back
home.
We,
men, the wiser among us, we hate them no less than Melanion did.
Philourgos: to Kallyki
I
want to pucker up my lips and kiss you, you old chook!
Kallyki:
Not
with that onion stench in your mouth.
Philourgos: Cocks
his leg up
Well,
then, IÕll raise my leg up to fuck you.
Kallyki:
Woah!
Rather thick foliage you have down there, havenÕt you?
800
Philourgos:
Sign
of real men. Just like Myronithes
and Phormio -our great heroes! Their
enemies
certainly
knew just how hairy their bums were!
Stratyllis::
To Drakis
I,
too want to tell you a story, one to match yours. Once upon a time, there was a man called
Timon.
Timon had no home and he had no good looks either. His face, in fact, looked as if some
thorns
had given it a good work-over; looked like he was spawned by the Furies, when
you think about it, really!
So
poor Timon, who was also moved by the same sort of hatred. He went off to the
desert as well,
spitting
curses to all the men, because theyÕre all wicked! Now THATÕS our hero! And,
like
Timon,
we, too, hate men, for theyÕre all wicked! And weÕll hate them
for ever and ever and
ever. As for Timon, every woman loved that
boy.
Kallyki: To
Philourgos
Want
a slap in the face?
Philourgos:
To Kallyki
Oh,
no, not a slap on my face! YouÕre terrifying me to death! IÕm soooooo scared!
Kallyki:
What
about if I kicked your legs and smashed them to little bits?
Philourgos:
YouÕd
be lifting your leg too high and showing your cunt, if you tried that.
Kallyki:
Ha!
You wonÕt be seeing much down there.
We older ladies like to exfoliate.
IÕve shaved
off
all of mine last night, by the light of the oil lamp.
Dusk, then Dawn.
ACT
2
Lysistrata
appears at the parapet of the
acropolis. sheÕs guarding the
place. Suddenly she sees
something, deep in the distance (stage left) which, both, shocks and amuses her.
Lysistrata:
Wooooah!
Good God! Women, come over here quickly, come!
830
Caloniki:
What
is it, Lysistrata? Why are you shouting?
Lysistrata:
A
man, darling, a man! I see a manÉ coming! Literally! Coming! Look, there!
See? HeÕs
coming!
Hahaha! He must be totally in the grips of AphroditeÕs work, that poor man! Oh,
Aphrodite!
Goddess of Cyprus and Cythera and Pathos!
May the path this man has chosen
be
the right one!
Ismenia:
Where,
where? Where is this man?
Lysistrata:
There,
look, by the Temple of Chloe.
There!
Corinthian
Whore:
Oh,
yeah! My God! Who is this man?
Lysistrata:
Take
a good look everyone. Anyone know
him?
Loud exclamations from all the
women.
Myrrhini:
Oh
my God! I do! HeÕs my husband! Cinesias!
My Ômover and shakerÕ, ÔshaggyÕ for
short. My husband! Ohhhhh!
840
Lysistrata:
In
that case, Myrrhini, the job is yours!
Hahahaha! Now this is what you do, my lovely girl: You
roast
him, you toss him and you turn him and you shake him all about -in short,
darling, you trick
him!
Over and over again. You first
give him lots of loving and then you take it all back. Submit
to
his every passion except the bit which only you and the oath-cup know about.
Myrrhini: (Feeling
sorry for her husband)
Ohhhhh!
(But becomes determined after
seeing LysistrataÕs angry looks)
All
right! Have no fear, Lysistrata. IÕll do everything you said!
Lysistrata:
Good! IÕll just stay here to help you with
all the lovely trickery and all the preliminary heating
up.
(To the other wives)
The
rest of you, girls, go! Leave! Myrrhini, you go down and wait for me for a
minute.
Everyone
except Lysistrata leaves. Cinesias
and his slave, Manes, enter, SL. Manes is holding CinesiasÕ baby. Cinesias is
burdened with an agonising, throbbing erection.
845
Cinesias:
Oh,
rotten, rotten, rotten and cursed luck! These jerks and spasms are killing me!
I feel
soooo
stretchedÉ ItÕs like IÕve just come down from the torture wheel! Talk about blue
balls!
Ohhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Such pain! Ouch! Ouch!
Lysistrata:
WhoÕs
there? WhoÕs trying toÉ penetrate
our fort?
Cinesias:
Me!
Lysistrata:
A
man?
Cinesias:
You
can say that again! A man, oh yes! A real man!
Lysistrata:
Then
piss off, out of here!
Cinesias:
What? Who are you to tell me to piss off?
Lysistrata:
IÕm
the Day Guard.