ARISTOPHANES’ BIRDS
Translated and adapted for
radio
By
G. Theodoridis
All rights reserved
C.2005
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE ONE
1
FX:
FADE IN:
THEME
MUSIC EVOKING DISTANCE IN TIME AND PLACE.
BIRD
CALLS ARE MINGLED WITH THE MUSIC.
2
FX: FADE OUT MUSIC
3
FX: FADE IN:
THE APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS AND TIRED BREATHING OF THREE MEN AND A WOMAN: SMILEY,
DINKUM (THE WOMAN) AND THEIR TWO SLAVES, MANES AND XANTHIAS.
4
FX: SOUNDS OF POTS
AND PANS CARRIED BY THE SLAVES.
OCCASIONAL
SOUND OF WILD BUSH BIRDS IN THE DISTANCE SMILEY AND DINKUM ARE HOLDING A
BIRD EACH ON THEIR ARM. (SMILEY A MAGPIE, DINKUM A DRONGO)
5
SMILEY:
Dinkum?
6
DINKUM:
Yes, Smiley?
7
SMILEY:
Let’s stop a minute.
8
DINKUM:
All right.
9
FX: CUT POTS AND
PANS, FOOTSTEPS.
10 SMILEY:
Dinkum?
11
DINKUM:
Yes,
Smiley?
12
SMILEY:
Are you
as tired as I am?
13
DINKUM:
Most
probably, Smiley, most probably!
14
SMILEY:
I’m thoroughly
stuffed! What about you boys? Manes?
15
MANES:
I’m
stuffed, too, boss!
16
SMILEY:
Xanthias?
17
XANTHIAS:
Rooted,
boss. Through and through!
18
SMILEY:
Dinkum?
19
DINKUM:
Yes,
Smiley?
20
SMILEY:
Are you
thirsty?
21
DINKUM:
All my
drool's gone, Smiley and I’ve been trying to spit now for the last hundred
miles! Talking doesn’t seem to help.
Pause
22
SMILEY:
So,
birdbrain, any ideas where we might find some water around here?
23
FX; MAGPIE MAKES SOUNDS
(INDICATING TO GO STRAIGHT AHEAD)
24
SMILEY:
Straight
ahead this time? You want us to go straight ahead, now, you stupid
magpie, do you?
25
FX: MAGPIE MAKES
AFFIRMATIVE SOUNDS
26
SMILEY:
Towards
that tree over there?
27
FX; MAGPIE MAKES MORE
AFFIRMATIVE SOUNDS
28
SMILEY:
Over
there? Are you sure this time? It must be another bloody mile away!
29
FX: FURTHER, FRUSTRATED
AFFIRMATIVE SOUNDS
30
SMILEY:
All right
then. You know you’re supposed to be taking us to see Tereas, now, don’t
you? Or have you forgotten? Bloody Magpies! Curse all
the birds!
31
FX: VIGOROUS, ANTITHETICAL
SOUNDS BY THE DRONGO.
THEY
RESUME WALKING AGAIN
32
DINKUM:
What's
with you, Drongo?
33
FX: MORE ANGRY NOISES FROM
DRONGO
34
DINKUM:
What do
you want now? Has Smiley offended your sense of self worth?
35
FX: DRONGO MAKES EVEN
MORE ANGRY NOISES AND BITES DINKUM
36
DINKUM:
Ouch!
You bastard of a bird! I told you, “don’t bite,” damn it!
The
bloody thing has such a sharp beak! He’s croaking us to go back,
Smiley! Doesn’t like this direction at all!
37
SMILEY:
You
mongrel! You bloody mongrel of a bird! You’ve made us go up and down,
round and round in never-ending and utterly useless bloody circles for bloody
hours! I think they want us to die, Dinkum. Now what, you stupid Magpie?
38
FX NOISES OF PROTEST FROM
MAGPIE
39
SMILEY:
With
disdain
Ahhh,
you’re such a useless bloody beast! What are ya?
That’s
right! You’re a useless beast. Good for nothing. Like all the other
birds. Just sit around and shout mating calls all day long.
Pause as
he looks around.
40
FX: DISTANT SOUNDS OF
VARIOUS BIRDS
41
SMILEY:
Phew!
We’re either lost now, Dinkum, or we’re about to be imminently and, most
probably, fatally lost! Perished in nowhere land! Carcasses in the
desert. Like abandoned donkeys! Our souls will soon descent to Hades and
our bodies left for the gratification of carrion birds; a fate similar to that
suffered by the Greek heroes in Troy! Bloody Magpies! What a way to
die!
42
FX: DINKUM SMACKS HER
DRONGO ABOUT.
43
DINKUM:
Yeah,
Smiley! What an idiot I was, too, listening to a bloody drongo!
Pause as
she studies the land
.
By the
gods! We must have travelled at least a thousand miles! Look at
that horizon! One single, uninterrupted line right around us. Not a curve or
undulation anywhere.
44
FX: SMILEY SMACKS HIS
MAGPIE ABOUT. MAGPIE PROTESTS
45
SMILEY:
Ahhh, me,
too, Dinkum! Fancy listening to this moronic chatter box here!
With pain
Ouch!
Damn! By Hades and his dog! I’ve run clean out of toes! We’ve
been pounding the ground for so long, I’ve completely worn away all my
toes! Ouch! Look! Look, you stupid bird! See? No
toes! Worn away! Because of you!
46
FX: MAGPIE CHUCKLES
Pause
47
SMILEY,
Dinkum?
48
DINKUM:
Tired
Yes,
Smiley?
49
SMILEY:
Do you
think you can find your way back home from here? I can’t even guess where
we are!
50
DINKUM:
No,
Smiley -
To her
slaves
What do
you think, boys? Do you know where we might be?
51
SLAVES: TOGETHER AND
VARIOUSLY:
-I don’t
know
-Wouldn’t
have the faintest.
-I
thought you two knew
-DeathDesert?
52
DINKUM:
No,
Smiley! They wouldn’t have a clue! House proud the both of them.
Always preferred the big smoke to the farm and the bush.
Pause
This
whole place looks the same in every direction to me. It doesn’t matter which
way you look.
53
FX MAGPIE BITES DINKUM
54
DINKUM:
Ouch!
Bugger ya! Stop that!
By Zeus,
Smiley! We really had to believe that bird seller, didn’t we? And we
really had to go looking for Tereas, didn’t we? Well, that miserable old
bird seller says to us, “why don't you just take these two birds and they’ll
lead you there!”
One obol
for this useless, shortie, here and three for yours! And what can they
do? All they can do is bite and scratch! Damned things!
Damned birds!
55
SMILEY:
Still, we
do want to meet Tereas. He’s gone and turned himself into a bird,
all full
of feathers and crests and beaks, no doubt.
56
DINKUM:
A real
cock of a bird is our Mr Tereas now! Changed his name, too. From a
man’s
name to a bird’s name!
57
SMILEY:
They now
call him Mister Bushcock! If you don’t mind!
58
FX: CORRELLA BITES HER
AGAIN
59
DINKUM:
Ouch!
Will you stop that! Bloody hell! What is it now you stupid bird?
60
FX: MAGPIE MAKES NOISES OF
PROTESTATIONS AND FRUSTRATION.
61
DINKUM:
Rope is
too tight around your leg? All right, then I’ll loosen it a bit for you.
But stop your flamin’ biting, you dumb drongo! Zeus, Almighty!
62
SMILEY:
What
about your drongo, then? Is he saying anything about directions?
63
DINKUM:
What d’ya
reckon, Bird brain? Any idea, Mister biting, bloody drongo genius?
64
FX: NEGATIVE SOUNDS FROM
DRONGO
65
DINKUM:
Na, he
wouldn’t know. Nothing about directions. Too stupid to know anything this
bird. I’m afraid we’ve been well and truly diddled.
66
SMILEY:
Just
desert! How the hell did we get here, Dinkum?
67
DINKUM:
We're
trying to get out of our country. Had enough of it. We want to be
refugees. Not that we really hate Athens, mind you! It’s a big and
prosperous city that one. Splendid! Blessed! You can see bundles of your
hard-earned money just… fly away!
68
SMILEY:
You have
the cicadas singing on the branches of trees one season and then you have the
whole city singing in the branches of the courts for their whole lives!
69
DINKUM:
And so
that’s why we’ve hit the road.
70
FX: SMILEY PATS THE POTS
AND PANS ON XANTHIAS’ BACK
71
SMILEY:
And we’re
fully equipped, too! Basket, myrtle, pots, pans, shovels and spades, picks,…
just like those pioneers who go and start off cities everywhere.
We’ve
been looking all over the world for a nice, quiet, tranquil, slow-paced place
to put our feet and tent up and just... settle down. Just quietly settle
down. Take a breather. Enjoy being alive, instead of wading through all
the stress and smoke and wine puke just to get out in time for our funeral.
72
DINKUM:
That’s
why we’re looking for Tereas, the newly named Bushcock. We want to ask
him if with all this flying he does, has he ever come across such a
city…
73
SMILEY:
Here we
are, Magpie! Your tree! Hmmm. I wonder how this huge grouchy
looking boulder got here, in the middle of nowhere. Creepy looking place,
Dinkum. I think we...
74
DINKUM:
Interrupts.
Hang on a
minute, mate. Drongo here wants to tell us something.
What is
it, bird?
75
SMILEY
What is
it?
76
DINKUM:
Don’t
know…
To the
Drongo
What?
Look up? Look up where?
77
SMILEY:
Now
that’s odd! Hahaha! My Magpie is doing the same thing. She’s opening her
beak as if she’s trying to show me something. There must be some more
birds around here. Where, Magpie? In there? Is that a cave?
78
FX: MAGPIE INDICATES
"NO"
79
SMILEY:
What
then? A nest?
80
FX: MAGPIE INDICATES
"YES"
81
SMILEY:
Let’s make a noise and see.
82
FX: THE SLAVES BEGIN
TO HAMMER AT THE POTS AND PANS.
83
SMILEY:
You know
what I think? I think we should kick it with our feet. It would make the
noise go deeper into the rock!
84
DINKUM:
You know
what I think? I think you should hit it with your head. It’d make twice
the noise!
Come on,
just take a stick and hit the bloody thing!
85
SMILEY:
As you
please, boss!
86
FX SOUNDS OF FOUR MEN
HITTING A BOULDER WITH STICKS
87
DINKUM:
Shouts
Hey
boy! Hello, there! Anybody home?
88
SMILEY:
Amazed
“Anybody
home?” What sort of a call is that? “Boy?” What’s this “boy”
business? You don’t call a Bushcock, “boy!”
89
DINKUM:
What
then?
90
SMILEY:
You call
him like this. Stand back!
Coooo-eeee!
Coooo-eeee! Coooo-eeee!
91
DINKUM:
All right
then, I’ll do it again.
Coooo-eeee!
Coooo-eeee! Coooo-eeee!
Come on
out, Bushcocky! Come on, baby! Coooo-eeee!
Coooo-eeee! Come on, darling!
92
SMILEY:
By
Apollo!
Mocking
"Come
on baby! Come on Bushcocky!"
Dear, Artemis,
goddess of the wild, forgive her for she knows not what she's doing!
"Bushcocky!"
93
FX: SUDDEN AND FRIGHTENING
SOUNDS OF A HUGE, ANNOYED BIRD EMERGING THROUGH SOME DENSE FOLIAGE. IT’S
TROHILLOS, THE BUSHCOCK’S SERVANT BIRD.
94
TROHILLOS:
Whhhat?
Whhho is it? Who’s calling my boss?
95
FX: ALL FOUR PEOPLE
ARE FRIGHTENED. SLAVES FART LOUDLY. BIRDS MAKE FRIGHTENED NOISES BEFORE THEY
FLY OFF.
TROHILLOS,
TOO IS FRIGHTENED BY WHAT HE SEES.
96
DINKUM:
By
Zeus! Oh, Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Oh, my Zeus! By Apollo!
Woaaaa! What a beak! Will you look at that beak!
97
SMILEY:
Oh, by
Hades' beard and Plutos' dog! What a frightening sight!
98
TROHILLOS:
Ahhhhh!
Ohhhhh Noooooo! Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Bird hunters and
gatherers! Oh no! Don’t kill me!
99
DINKUM:
Oh!
Who, us? Oh, what a dreadful thing to say and what a dreadful way
of saying it! Us? Bird hunters?
100
TROHILLOS:
Right!
You two are dead meat!
Calls
loudly into the sky
Vultures!
Vultures!
101
DINKUM:
Interrupts
him
Shhh!
Us? Bird hunters? Where did you get that idea from? Ohhhh,
you think we’re humans! Ohhhhh, nononononononono! We’re not
humans! Goodness no! Nope, we’re not human at all!
102
TROHILLOS:
Well?
What are you then?
103
DINKUM:
Trying to
think fast
Me?
Oh, I’m a… I’m a bird! See? I'm a chick. Bird!
104
TROHILLOS:
Bullshit!
A bird? What sort of a bird?
105
DINKUM:
What sort
of a bird? Well, if you must know, I'm a... I’m a… Shaker
bird!
106
TROHILLOS:
Yes, I
know, we are all shagger birds but.. what sort of a shagger bird are you?
107
DINKUM:
No, not a shagger
bird, a Shaker bird… Errrr… What do you call us around here?
108
TROHILLOS:
I think
you’ll find around here we call you a liar bird!
109
DINKUM:
No,
really, I’m a Trembler… I’m an African Trembler!
110
TROHILLOS:
Crap!
And him? What sort of a bird is he, then? Speak up! What are
you?
111
SMILEY:
Who,
me? I’m a Poo-poo bird!
112
DINKUM:
Quietly
I’ll say
you are! Your daks are stacked with the stuff! Poh, what a
pong! What about you, you ugly beak? What sort of beast are you?
113
TROHILLOS:
Proudly
I’m a
Butler Bird! TROHILLOS by name!
114
SMILEY:
A Butler
Bird, hey? Some big cock has beaten you up and turned you into his slave,
has he? Certainly made a mess of your face, you poor bastard!
Hahahaha!
115
TROHILLOS:
Oh,
no! Not at all! No, no one has beaten me up! It’s just that
when my boss became a bird, you know, a Bushcock, well, he prayed that I’d
become a bird too so that I could be his butler.
116
DINKUM:
Birds
need butlers, too?
117
TROHILLOS:
No, not
really but my boss was a man once, you see. So sometimes he gets a craving for,
say… sardines from Faliros. Well, off I fly with a bucket to get him
some. If he wants lentils…
118
FX: BOTH SLAVES FART
119
BOTH, SMILEY AND DINKUM
Stop
that!
120
TROHILLOS:
If he
wants lentils, then I come back with a ladle and a potful of them, see?
121
SMILEY:
Ha! It
seems you act more like a wheel barrow than a butler. Well, now, Mr
Wheelbarrow, you know what we want from you? We want you to go in there
and bring your master out here!
122
TROHILLOS:
Oh,
nononononono! I couldn’t do that! Nononononono! Absolutely
not!
123
DINKUM:
Oh, come
on, little wheelie! Come on you handsome butler, you!
124
TROHILLOS:
Oh, all
right! But he’ll get soooo angry! He’s just finished gorging on his
myrtle berries and his gnats. He’s gone off for his little siesta now,
you see, so he’ll be veeeeeery angry with me but I’ll do you this little favour
125
FX: NOISE OF TROHILLOS
GOING THROUGH THE FOLIAGE.
126
DINKUM:
At
Trohillos’ back
Bloody
bird! He’s scared the pants off me!
127
SMILEY:
Bloody
hell!
128
DINKUM:
What?
129
SMILEY:
My Magpie
flew off!
130
DINKUM:
Did you
let your bird go? What a frightened little chook you are!
Mocks him
Here
chook, chook, chook, chook! Chooky, chook chook!
131
SMILEY:
And what
about you and your little bird, ey? Did you let go of your drongo when
you fell on your bum in fear or did he wave au revoir to you as he
flew away?
132
FX: TROHILLOS AND A FEW
OTHERS COME OUT THROUGH THE SHRUB, PUSHING THE FOLIAGE VIOLENTLY APART AND
COUGHING SO AS TO GET THE RESPECT AND ATTENTION THEIR MASTER DESERVES.
133
TROHILLOS:
Ahem!
Attention! Make way, make way! My master, Mr Bushcock, is approaching!
134
BUSHCOCK:
Thunderously,
annoyed.
Open up
this bush! Wiiiiiiiider! Wiiiiiider! WIIIIDER I
said! Now, let me through! Ugh!
135
DINKUM:
By
Zeus! Look at that beak!
136
SMILEY:
It’s
enormous! Wow!
137
DINKUM:
Bloody
gruesome for a bird! Gruesome, bizarre, horrible and disgusting!
138
SMILEY?
Is it a
beak or a monkey's bum? I can't tell!
To
Bushcock
Hey, what
sort of beast are you, birdie?
139
BUSHCOCK:
Now,
who’s looking for me? Where is he? Who are you?
140
DINKUM:
By
Zeus! All of the twelve gods must have given you some beating, ey,
Bushcock?
141
BUSHCOCK
What do
you mean?
142
DINKUM:
I mean
your… feathers, friend! They’re in one hell of a ruffle, aren’t they?
143
BUSHCOCK:
Oh,
you’re mocking me for my feathers, are you? Oh, my friends, if only
you knew! If only you knew my full and sad story! Let me tell
you then since you don’t know: I was a man, once!
144
BOTH:
No!
Really?
145
BUSHCOCK:
Ah
huh! Yes. A man! Me!
146
SMILEY:
Feeling
apologetic
Sorry for
laughing, Bushcock but we weren’t really laughing at you but at your
beak! It’s a little on the funny side, don’t you think?
147
BUSHCOCK:
Furious
You
see? You see! That’s Sophocles for you! That's all Sophocles'
work! That’s what he’s done to me. Always portraying me in his tragedies
like this. He made an absolute mess of me! ME! ME,
Tereas! Oh, the shame! The shame and the indignity!
Bloody Sophocles! That’s tragedians for you!
148
DINKUM:
So!
You’re Tereas, then, are you?
149
SMILEY:
Where on
earth have all your feathers gone, Tereas?
150
BUSHCOCK:
Gone!
151
SMILEY:
I can see
that but gone where? Flew away? Ill wind? Disease of some sort?
152
BUSHCOCK:
Na!
All the birds lose their feathers during Winter. Then, in Summer, we grow
new ones… Now… tell me who you are.
153
DINKUM:
Mortals.
154
SMILEY:
Humans.
Mere humans, just like you were once, my friend.
155
TROHILLOS:
Ha!
I knew it! Liars! Liars!
156
DINKUM:
Yes, I
know, darling but in times of emergency...
157
BUSHCOCK:
Interrupts
Place of
birth?
158
SMILEY:
Sighs
sadly.
Alas!
From the country that has the best war ships. The greatest triremes.
159
BUSHCOCK:
On,
no! You’re not Athenians, are you? You’re not a pair of those
idiots who just love the law courts and just do jury service all year round,
are you?
160
TOGETHER:
Oh,
no! Nononononono! Not us!
161
DINKUM:
Quite the
contrary. We hate those who love the courts and jury service!
162
BUSHCOCK:
Do
you? Do they still sow such a seed in Athens?
163
SMILEY:
Eh!
Just a little bit! If you go out into the far paddocks a bit, away from
the city.
164
BUSHCOCK:
I see… What
brought you here?
165
DINKUM:
Well, you did,
actually! We’d like to talk with you.
166
BUSHCOCK:
With
me? What on earth about?
167
DINKUM:
Well, you
were a human, once, right? Just like us!
And you
use to owe money, once right? Just like us!
And,
instead of paying it back, you enjoyed spending it, right? Just like us!
Then,
when you changed into a bird, you flew all over the place –sea, land,
mountains, lakes, everywhere, right? And you got to know the ways and
thoughts of both, mortals and birds, right?
That’s
why we came to you. We’d like to ask you if you could find us some lovely
little city where we can just lie down, settle down, blanket down as if we were
on a lovely, fluffy woolly rug. Really comfy!
168
BUSHCOCK:
Hmmm. Let
me see… woolly rug, ey? Comfy, ey? Are you after a bigger city than
Athens?
169
DINKUM:
Bigger?
No. Just more comfy for us. Smug. Stretch-your-legs type of a city.
170
SMILEY:
Curl your
toes, type of a city.
171
BUSHCOCK:
Aristocratic
set up?
172
SMILEY:
Aristocracy
bring the pukes up to my throat.
173
BUSHCOCK:
Well,
what sort of city are you after then?
174
DINKUM:
A city
where the biggest things to worry about are this sort: A man comes to my door,
say, bright and early and says to me, “By Zeus the Olympian, Dinkum! I’m having
a wedding feast tonight and I’d like to invite you over. Could you do me
the honours of having a bath early this evening and coming over with your whole
family?
175
BUSHCOCK:
Chuckles
I can see
you love the tough life, my dear girl.
And
you? What about you? What sort of life do you like?
176
SMILEY:
Same
sort, really.
177
BUSHCOCK:
Meaning?
178
SMILEY:
Meaning?
Ahhhh! Let’s see! The father of a beautiful, young, absolute blossom of a
boy meets me in the street and this father gets angry at me and says,
“what a way to treat my son, you, you… cock polisher? What sort of friend
are you? You saw him as he had just come out of the wrestling ring, all
sparkling, all clean, totally gorgeous AND ready for it and yet you went right
past him. Not even a word! No kisses, no hugs, nothing! What sort
of a family friend are you!”
179
BUSHCOCK:
Poor
bastard! I can see you love the hard life, too, ey?
Well,
actually, there IS such a happy place. It’s near the Red Sea.
180
SMILEY:
The
sea? Oh nononononono! That’d be no good. No bloody good
at all! Zeusy, Zeusy me! Oh, no! The Athenians would
send their little tax-chomping trireme, the Salamina one fine morning,
nab me by the gonads and announce louder then I’ll be able to announce
afterwards: “Hey, you! You haven’t paid your taxes! Pay up now
or…” Ouch! Oh nonononono! Errrr, don’t you know of any
other cities?
181
BUSHCOCK:
What
about Leprous, near Elis?
182
SMILEY:
Nope!
183
BUSHCOCK:
Opuntus,
near Locris?
184
SMILEY:
Nope!
185
BUSHCOCK:
At a loss
Ehhh, in
that case…
186
DINKUM:
Interrupts
him.
Hang on!
Hey, how’s life among you lot? Among all the birds, here?
187
BUSHCOCK:
Here?
With us? You wanna live here with us? As a bird? Are you kidding?
188
SMILEY:
What’s it
like?
189
BUSHCOCK:
Well, not
bad, really. Once you get used to it. For one thing, there’s no need to
cart around a pouch full of coins!
190
SMILEY:
How
delightful! Thus, my friend, you subtract life’s most abominable
abomination! Absolutely delightful, Bushy! Go on!
191
BUSHCOCK:
His
enthusiasm picks up pace
Well…
then, we’ve got gardens full of white sesame, myrtle berries, mint, poppy seeds…
all the stuff Athenians use in their festivals… if I remember correctly!
192
DINKUM:
Really?
Wooaaaa! You lot live the life of honeymooners!
193
SMILEY
Newlyweds,
even!
194
BUSHCOCK:
Really?
195
DINKUM:
Sudden
revelation
Guess
what, folks? It just dawned on me!
By Zeus,
it just dawned on me!
By Zeus
and Hades! It just dawned on me!
196
BUSHCOCK AND SMILEY:
What?
What’s just dawned on you?
197
DINKUM:
I can see
a real good deal here for all the birds! And it’s all totally achievable – IF
you trust me that is, Bushy! If you trust me! Woaaaa!
198
BUSHCOCK:
Trust
you? Trust you about what?
199
DINKUM:
An idea,
my friend. A big idea. A grand idea! A grand idea has just dawned on me!
200
BUSHCOCK:
I can see
that from the fire in your eyes but what’s the idea?
201
DINKUM:
Build a
city, my friend! Build a city and live in it! A city just for you,
Bushy! A city just for you, the mighty Bushy and his cocky friends,
ey? How does that sound?
202
BUSHCOCK:
Hahahaha!
Oh, what a typical girlie idea! We’re birds, girlie, not
humans! What sort of a city can birds ever build with
mud and sticks?
203
DINKUM:
Typical bird! Typical bird brain! Look down, you, bird
brain!
204
BUSHCOCK:
Does so
Ouch!
Yeah?
205
DINKUM:
Now look
up!
206
BUSHCOCK:
Ouch!
Yeah, so?
207
DINKUM:
Now turn
your head around! Right around, Mister Bushcock!
208
BUSHCOCK:
By
Zeus! This is getting to be quite a pain in the neck! It feels like
I’m ringing my neck out to dry!
209
DINKUM:
So… what
did you see?
210
BUSHCOCK:
The
clouds and the sky, woman, what else could I have seen?
211
DINKUM:
So?
Think, man! Is all this not the birds’ territory? All these clouds
and the sky. Does it not belong to the birds? All of it?
212
BUSHCOCK:
Our
territory? What’s a territory?
213
DINKUM:
Territory?
That’s sort of like a country. But because everything is moving around
everywhere and everything is allowed to go through it, and because nothing is
sitting still, it’s just a space, a territory, see? Nothing in it
is stable. But if you put up fences and walls and gates and things all
around it, then it will become your city, your country and, just as you rule
over the locusts now, you’ll be able to also rule over men as well… and then
you do to the gods what Nicias did to the Melians… starve them all to death,
create a real famine! Bang! Complete Theocide! Victory!
214
BUSHCOCK:
Yeah, but
how do we do that?
215
DINKUM:
Look,
Bushy! Between Earth and the gods is air, right? Well, look, if we from
Athens have to go, say to the Oracle at Delphi, we have to ask permission from
the Boetians, to let us pass through their country. It’ll be the same
with you. If you’ve got your city up there, the gods would have to pay
you for the aromas of the sacrifices the humans make, to reach them.
216
BUSHCOCK:
Woaa!
Earth, traps, clouds, nets, territories, aether! What clever chaps you two
are! I’ve never heard such elegant ideas before! Now if the other birds
are in agreement with you, I’d like to join you and live with you in this city
of yours!
217
DINKUM:
Yes but
who’s going to introduce this idea to them, Bush Cocky?
218
BUSHCOCK:
You will.
They understand your language now. I’ve been with them now for a long time. I
had time to teach them the language and get them out of all their barbarisms.
219
SMILEY:
Can you
call them all here, Bushy?
220
BUSHCOCK:
Sure,
that’s easy. I’ll just go in that tree there… right now… I’ll wake up my little
nightingale, Procne and then, we’ll call them all together. As soon as
they hear our voices, they’ll come running.
221
DINKUM:
Well
then, darling! Well then, my dear, dear feathered friend! I beg you, my
sweet Bush COCK! Go quickly to that tree yonder and wake up that little
nightingale of yours!
222
BUSHCOCK:
All
right, hang on then!
223
FX: BUSHCOCK CLIMBS ON A
TREE
224
BUSHCOCK:
Coooooooo-eee!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Wakey,
wakey, my sweet little lover, you!
Wakey,
wakey and let loose your sacred and enchanting song,
Let the
crystal melodies pour out from your honey-coloured throat.
225
FX: VOICE OF FEMALE BIRD
EMANATES IN THE DISTANCE
226
FEMALE BIRD:
Lyrically
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
227
BUSHCOCK:
Your
sound is the sound that rises clear and bright through the
Curly
foliage of your delicious bush
All the
way to the throne of Zeus.
Golden
haired Apollo up there will hear your woes and
He will
hit the cords of his gold and ivory harp to give
The gods
their dancing feet.
And then,
all together the voices of the blessed
Immortals
will burst forth in abundance.
228
VOICE OF ANOTHER FEMALE
BIRD:
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
229
BUSHCOCK:
Coooooooo-eee!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Approach
my darling winged friends!
All you
who feed on the seeds of the well-sown paddocks. All you endless races! Barley
eaters, seed of all sorts eaters, soft-voiced, fast-winged birds. All
those of you who gather round the furrows of the tilled soil and sing with your
light joyful cords. Come here!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
230
VOICE OF YET ANOTHER FEMALE
BIRD:
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
231
SMILEY:
Ahhh!
Oh, my Lord, Zeus! What a lovely voice that little bird has! It’s filled
that whole shrub with honey!
232
DINKUM:
Angrily
Oi!
233
SMILEY:
What?
234
DINKUM:
Won’t you
just shut up for a minute?
235
SMILEY:
Why?
What’s up?
236
DINKUM:
Bushcock
is getting ready for another call!
237
FX: BUSHCOCK IS NOW CALLING
IN ALL DIRECTIONS, TO ALL BIRDS.
238
BUSHCOCK:
Coooooooo-eee!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Birds of
all feathers, come! Come out here birds of all voices!
All you
birds who fly over the well-sown farms!
All you
who love your barley,
All you
who know your seeds
All you
fast-flyers whose call is light and soft,
All you
who love to fly over the soft clumps of soil
Again and
again and sing this song with delight:
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
Come, all
of you whose feeding grounds are
Gardens
of Ivy. Birds whose morsels are the bush olives
And the
strawberry of the hilly shrub
Come,
come, come now all of you, all at once!
And all
of you, too, my friends, who chase the stinging
Mozzies
of the billabongs and gobble them all up
And all
you, my friends, who live in the cool waters
Of the
blessed valley of Marathon
And
you! Yes you! The bird with the bright and pretty feathers
Such
colours!
Come,
you, partridge of the lake,
Come!
And all
of you, my friends, who share the air above the
Frothy
seas with the halcyon;
Birds of
the seas! Birds of the long necks!
Come here
and learn from me the latest news!
A brace
of mortals is here,
They’ve
just arrived,
A man and
a woman with a very sharp wit
who has
new ideas
who do
all sorts of new and startling things!
239
FX SLIGHT PAUSE
240
DINKUM:
So… where
are all the birds?
241
BUSHCOCK:
Not far.
Coooooooo-eee!
Coooooooo-eee!
Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo- Coo-eeeeee!
242
FX: SLOW
FOOTSTEPS OF A BIRD. STRIP TEASE MUSIC.
243
SMILEY:
Woohooooo!
Just look at this little chick heading our way!
244
DINKUM:
Oh,
yeah! By Zeus, that’s a real bird, all right but I wonder what it could
be… do you think it’s a peacock, maybe?
245
BUSHCOCK:
Sighs
lustily, forlornly
Ah,
that’s a very unusual bird, that one. Very rare. Very rare indeed!
It’s not
one of those birds common to the human eye, that one. That’s a bird of
the wet beds, I mean wet lands!
246
SMILEY:
Sighs likewise.
Yeah, I
see what you mean. Ah, and what a bright red colour her… feathers are!
Like fire! Very bright, indeed!
247
BUSHCOCK:
But of
course! That’s why she’s called a “flaming go!”
248
FX: FAST STEPS OF A
MALE BIRD. WALKS IN, SEES FLAMINGO GRABS HER, DRAGS HER AWAY AND RAVAGES
HER. SOUNDS OF SEXUAL SHOCK AND AWE FROM THE FLAMINGO
249
SMILEY:
Woa!
Look at that! What a randy bastard! Ha!
Hey… Will
you look at it go, Bushy! What sort of bird is that?
250
BUSHCOCK:
Angrily
The name
of that lecherous bird there is Red Pole.
251
SMILEY:
Red Pole,
ey? Must be a reason for that.
252
DINKUM:
The
reason is obvious, I think, Smiley! If he wasn’t called that then he’d sure to
be called a Cockatiel!
253
SMILEY:
Here’s
another one! Already grabbed a spot for himself on the cliff!
Good
Herakles! What a sad looking beast! But, aren’t you the only Bushcock
around here, Bushy? Who is this bird that looks exactly like you?
254
BUSHCOCK:
Ah,
that’s my little grandson. Son of my son Philocles. You know how we name our
kids: Hipponicus, son of Callias; Callias, son of Hipponicus and so on and on,
for many generations.
255
DINKUM:
So, that
little bird over there is Callias, hey?
He sure
lost a lot of… his feathers, hasn’t he?
256
BUSHCOCK:
Yeah!
Sad case this one. Five generations of wealth all plucked out of him by the
lawyers and the pretty girls! Pluck, pluck, pluck! Nothing left now,
almost all gone. Five generations of good sturdy stuff, down the hole of Hades!
257
SMILEY:
By
Poseidon! Look at the colours this bird is painted with! What do you call
this one? They sure are peculiar colours!
258
DINKUM:
Yes,
very… earthy, colours, indeed!
259
BUSHCOCK:
Oh, him!
That’s Garbage Guts! Eats everything. Constantly!
260
RED POLE:
Ouch!
You stupid bird!
261
DINKUM:
Hahahaha!
He’s not even lifting his head up to see what he’s pecking at. He just
walked over and pecked Red Pole’s bum! Hahahaha!
262
SMILEY:
He’s
following his pecking order.
263
FX SUDDENLY A WHOLE
LOT OF BIRDS APPEAR NOISILY FROM EVERYWHERE .
THE FOUR
MEN ARE STARTLED BY ALL THIS COMMOTION.
THE BIRDS
FLAP THEIR WINGS FURIOUSLY AND BELLIGERENTLY.
THE NOISE
OF POTS AND PANS AS THEY ARE DROPPED TO THE GROUND.
264
DINKUM:
By
Poseidon! Will you look at that, Smiley! A full catastrophe of birds!
Yikes! They’re everywhere! Ooooo! Good Lord Poseidon, help
me! And they’re fully armed! Shields, spears, bows and arrows,
swords…
265
SMILEY:
Good Lord
Apollo, help me! Clouds and clouds of them! Oi, oi,oi,oi,oi! Oh my, my,
my, my, my, my! Where are they all coming from? There are so many
of them!
266
DINKUM:
That’s a
Bushtucker Bird, there, isn’t it, Bushy?
267
BUSHCOCK:
Yeap!
268
SMILEY:
And that
one there must be a Goose, by Zeus!
269
BUSHCOCK:
Yeap!
270
DINKUM:
…and
that’s a duck… of sorts
271
BUSHCOCK:
Yeap!
272
SMILEY:
…and a
halcyon…
273
BUSHCOCK:
Yeap!
274
DINKUM:
Halcyon
ey? And what’s behind the halcyon?
275
SMILEY:
That’s a
Bush Barber, isn’t it Bushy?
276
BUSHCOCK:
Yeap!
277
DINKUM:
You don’t
mean to say that that bird there can give you a haircut?
278
BUSHCOCK:
Yeap!
279
SMILEY:
I wonder
if he’s any better than our own barber, Sporgilus! Ah! And there’s a
Cockeyed Owl!
280
DINKUM:
Woa!
Look at them all! There’s aLaughing Turtle Dove, a Gum Cock, a Shrub Lark, a
Grass Bird, a Boobook Owl, a Redneck, a Redtit, Bluetit, Rufous Whistler,
Cockatoo, Mudnester Cock, Red throat, Deep throat, Guzzler, Fig Bird, a pair of
Love Birds, a Gang-Gang Cockatoo, a Riflebird, a Green Catbird, a Rosella, a
Starling, a Bald Coot, a Blue Wing, a Fairy Martin… and they’re still coming!
281
BUSHCOCK:
Yeap!
282
FX: BIRDS SCREECHING
BELLIGERENTLY
283
SMILEY:
Oh, me,
oh my! Ohhhhhhh my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my! Look at all them
birds! Oh, Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Look at all the little black birds, white
birds big birds, little birds! Oh my! Some look very bloody
ferocious, Bushy! They’re screeching and spinning about… I think they’re
trying to frighten us! What do you reckon, Dinkum? Look at how wide they
open their beaks… and they’re staring at us!
284
DINKUM:
Yeah,
that’s what I reckon, too! They’re definitely staring cross-eyed at
us!
285
GUM COCK:
Thunderously
Who
called me? Where is the bastard perched?
286
BUSHCOCK:
Here I
am, Gum Cock and I’m so happy to be among my many friends!
287
GUM COCK:
Oh,
yeah? We’ll see about that! So? Speak up Bushcock!
288
BUSHCOCK:
I have
bloody good news for you, Gum Cock. News that are good for us all! News
that will benefit us all enormously.
289
GUM COCK:
Oh
yea? Keep talking then!
290
BUSHCOCK:
Absolutely!
They’ll help us with obtaining security, with obtaining our Birds’ Rights and
with becoming a happier community!
See, a
couple of humans came to visit me; humans who have a very subtle mind.
291
GANG-GANG COCKATOO:
Highly
concerned and angry
Humans?
Humans ? Are you mad? You accepted human visitors? What are you on
about, Bushy?
292
BUSHCOCK:
This is
what I’m on about, Gang-gang Cockatoo: Two humans have arrived here carrying in
their heads, the seed of a fantastic idea for us!
293
GUM COCK:
Oh,
deary, deary me! You’ve made the biggest blue I’ve ever seen in my whole
life, Bushy! That’s not like you? What have you being eating?
Too many lentils again?
294
FX: XANTHIAS AND
MANES FART
295
SMILEY AND DINKUM:
Stop
that!
296
BUSHCOCK:
Hang on,
hang on, Gum Cock! Don’t be such a frightened chook!
297
FX: THE SOUND
OF AN OUTRAGED CHICKEN.
298
GUM COCK:
But,
Bushcock, what the hell have you gone and done to us?
299
BUSHCOCK:
What have
I done to you? I’ve received here, in my quarters, two highly intelligent
mortals who happened to love our society passionately. That’s what I’ve gone
and done for you!
300
GANG-GANG COCKATOO:
Thoroughly
outraged!
This is
bullshit! You know it won’t work! What a thing to do, Bushy!
301
A NUMBER OF BIRDS TOGETHER:
Singing
Bull-shit,
bull-shit! It all sounds like bull-shit
To me, to
me –
Bull-shit,
bull-shit! It all sounds like bull-shit
To
meeeeee!
302
BUSHCOCK:
Shut up
you stupid birds!
Sure
Gang-gang! And I’m happy to have done it, too, Gang-gang Cockatoo!
303
REDNECK:
Bloody,
mortals, Bushy! Humans! Look at them!
304
GUM COCK:
Oh,
no! Oh, no! Oh no! This is treachery! It’s defilement!
We can’t have that! Kill them!
305
FX: REDNECK APPROACHES THE
MORTALS AND SMELLS THEM
306
REDNECK:
Oh yes! I
know that smell! It’s High Pollution, all right!
And this
is our so called “friend,” friends! Bushcock has trampled upon our
ancient laws! Pollution, I say! Pollution!
307
RED TIT:
And he
broke all our fowl oaths, too!
308
BLUE TIT:
That’s
right Red Tit, darling! He lured us all here and threw us into the hands
of this unholy race! Bah! Humans!
309
COCKEYED OWL:
That lot,
you pair of Tits, has been fed and nurtured for one reason only: to be
our sworn enemies! I know that lot! Humans are vermin!
310
GUM COCK:
Right!
We’ll settle matters with Bushcock later but for now, let’s get a bit
of justice out of these four mortals… let’s tear them up! Limb to limb!
311
DINKUM:
Oh,
no! Bloody Bushcock’s run off! Oh, no! Oh, Zeusy, Zeusy,
Zeusy!
Dear,
dear Zeusy! We’re dead meat now, that’s for sure!
312
SMILEY:
Damn
you Dinkum! What a mess! And it’s all your bloody fault! Why
the
hell
did you take me out from back there and bring me over here - to this place?
313
DINKUM:
Because
I needed company.
314
SMILEY:
Company?
Company? Company in Hades, more like it! We’ll be crying in
unison
pretty soon. Idiot!
315
DINKUM:
Don’t
worry, Smiley! Once these little friends of ours gouge out our eyes, we
won’t be able to cry!
316
FIG BIRD
Right!
This means war! Get ready for a fatal attack!
317
RIFLE BIRD
That’s
right, Fig Bird! Let’s surround the bastards! Get your
wings together and surround them, men! Make them scream! Garbage Guts,
you go that way!
318
GARBAGE GUTS:
No
worries! Let me at them! My beak is starving! Guzzler, you come
with me, too!
319
GUZZLER:
Right
away, Garbage Guts! Oh ho! They won’t be able to find a place to hide
from these two, mountains, seas or snow!
320
GUM COCK:
Right-o!
Let’s not mess about, then! Where’s the general? Tell him to bring
forward the right wing!
321
FX: BIRDS SHUFFLE
ABOUT ACCORDINGLY. THREATENING CLANGING OF SHIELDS, SWORDS AND SPEARS.
BEATING OF WAR DRUMS
322
SMILEY:
Oh,
Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Oh me, oh my! Tell me Dinkum, can dead meat hide…
before they’re dead?
323
DINKUM:
Oi! Can’t
you just stay put for a minute?
324
SMILEY:
Dinkum,
they’re going to tear us to pieces!
325
DINKUM:
So, how
is shuffling about like this going to help us get out of this situation?
326
SMILEY:
Ohhhh, I
wish I knew, Dinkum, I wish I bloody well knew!
327
DINKUM:
Well, let
me tell you what to do! Grab some of those kettles and stand and fight!
328
SMILEY:
Fight,
Dinkum? Fight them with kettles? Dinkum, are you joking? Oh,
no! Look at the Boobook Owl! Look at his flaming eyes! He’s
not happy with us Dinkum, that’s for sure! Oh, no and Red Pole has got off his
Flamingo and they’re both charging at us. You’d think all that sex would
have worn them out!
329
DINKUM:
Lasciviously
Sometimes
sex invigorates you, Smiley!
Oh, all
right, then, I’ll keep the Boobook Owl away, you little coward!
330
SMILEY:
Oh,
Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Look at all those sharp talons heading towards
us! And there! There! Look! Red Throat and Deep Throat! Red Tit, Blue
Tit! Diamond Bird, Blue Eye, Silver Eye, Blight Bird, Coach Whip, Anchor Wing…
Honestly, Dinkum, what are we going to do now?
331
DINKUM:
Use your
skewer, man! Dig it into them!
332
SMILEY:
And our
eyes? What about our eye balls?
333
DINKUM:
Grab a
saucer, or a dunny bowl and cover them!
334
SMILEY:
What a
smart young lady you are, Dinkum! What stunning military invention!
What a strategist! You out-strategise even our greatest strategist, Nicias, who
gave us the genocide of Melos!
335
GUM COCK:
Go, go,
go, go! Dig your beak into those bastards! Run, drag them, tear at them,
smash them! Knock down that kettle there first! Move, move, move,
mmmmm! Come on men!
336
DINKUM:
Ah!
Thank Apollo! Here’s Bushy again!
337
BUSHCOCK:
Loudly,
angrily
Oi! You
ugly mongrel of a bird! What the hell are you trying do? Why do you want
to hurt two wonderful human beings who’ve done nothing to you and who are, in
fact, my wife’s relatives and who are from the same tribe as I am?
338
GUM COCK:
Because
they’re like wolves, Bushy! All they do all day is think up ways of killing
everyone and everything –including themselves! That’s what humans
are! Murderers! Nasty creatures. Nature’s only aberrations!
339
BUSHCOCK:
Sure,
sure they are! But then, what if, by making friends with them you learn
something which is useful to you?
340
BUSH TUCKER BIRD:
How could
these two sacks of evil ever teach us anything about anything that’s any
good? Their heads are clogged with evil! They’ve been our enemies
ever since the days of our grand dads!
341
BUSHCOCK:
Because, Bush
Tucker Bird, wise men learn a great many things from their enemies.
342
GUZZLER:
Yeah,
right! What sort of things?
343
BUSHCOCK:
Such as
circumspection, for example!
Taking on
the air of a lecturer
You see,
circumspection is a marvellous thing! It can save you from a great
many problems.
Circumspection!
Absolutely marvellous! Now, there’s a lesson you can’t learn from a
friend. Circumspection and respect!
You learn
these two valuable lessons from your enemies. They’re the first lessons you
learn from them! Friends don’t teach you how to build tall walls and
splendid warships. Enemies do. And these high walls and splendid warships
keep your kids and household and property safe. That’s a lesson you learn from
enemies, not friends!
344
FX: THE BIRDS GATHER
TOGETHER TO CONFER. THE LAUGHING TURTLE DOVE LAUGHS BUT CATCHES HERSELF AND
CONTINUES IN SERIOUS TONES.
345
LAUGHING TURTLE DOVE:
Well
then! I, being the Laughing Turtle Dove and the chairbird of our Security
Council conferred with my fellow members here and have unanimously decided to
hear these two out. See what they’ve got to say. Yes, a wise
man can learn something useful even from his enemies, so let’s see if these two
can teach us anything of use.
Hahahahaha!
346
DINKUM:
Softly,
to Smiley
I reckon
their anger has subsided a bit, Smiley. I think we should retreat a few steps.
What d’you reckon?
347
BUSHCOCK:
To the
Birds
Indeed!
Quite right! Well spoken Laughing Turtle Dove! It is also the just and
honourable thing to do…
348
LOVE BIRD
Lovingly,
coquettishly.
Weeeeell,
we’ve never said “no” to any of your previous plans, Bushy, darling!
349
BUSHCOCK:
I know,
Love Bird, I know darling!
350
SMILEY:
Quietly,
in answer to Dinkum
Ah, now
they’re behaving more… much more… peace like!
More… lovingly.
Tranquillity at last!
351
DINKUM:
By Zeus,
they are, too!
352
GUM COCK:
Right oh,
you lot! Get back into line!
353
FX: SOUNDS OF THE
BIRDS OBEYING
354
GUM COCK:
Now, curb
your enthusiasm and your anger men and behave like real soldiers! Be real,
true-blue diggers, one and all of you!
Let’s see
what these men are all about. Who they are and where they’ve come from.
And what for!
Hey,
Bushcock tell us what made these two make this journey over here to our Fowl
world?
355
BUSHCOCK:
They’ve
been enamoured by your way of life, Gum Cock. They want to live
with you – be with you forever!
356
GUM COCK:
Is that
right? And what sort of stories have they spun you?
357
BUSHCOCK:
Oh,
incredible stuff, Gum Cock! Totally beyond belief!
358
REDNECK:
Oh, yea?
And what favours do they think they’re going to get by staying with us?
If they think we’re going to fight their enemy or help their friends…
359
BUSHCOCK:
What they
say, Redneck, is that you’ll end up with enormous wealth. A wealth you can
neither believe nor utter words about! Dinkum here, has convinced me that you
can have the whole world: what’s here, what’s there, what’s everywhere! You can
own it all!
360
BOOBOOK OWL
She’s not
a whacko by any chance, is she? One of those fundamentalists Dionysiacs?
361
BUSHCOCK:
Oh no,
Boobook owl! Absolutely not! Words can’t describe just how sane
this woman is! She is very, very sane! Smart, too!
362
MUDNESTER COCK
She’s got
a brain in her head, then does she?
363
BUSHCOCK:
Brain?
Brain? She’s the shrewdest sneak there is, Mudnester Cock! Subtle and
refined! And… a most experienced bum!
364
GANG-GANG COCKATOO:
Ooooooh!
365
RED POLE:
Mmmm, I
can see that!
366
DINKUM:
Forget
it, beet root!
367
FX: FLUTTERS HIS WINGS WITH
EXCITEMENT
368
GANG-GANG COCKATOO:
Well,
come on then! Come on then! Let her speak! Let her speak! The more
I listen to you the more my wings want to fly!
369
BUSHCOCK:
Right
away, Gang-gang Cockatoo!
Come over
here, Dinkum and go ahead and tell these fine feathered friends of mine the
reason why I called them all here!
370
DINKUM:
Oh no!
Hang on a minute! Not so easy! First we’ve got to come to a deal.
Same deal as the knife-maker made with his wife, back in Athens.
371
MANY BIRDS VARIOUSLY:
-Huh?
-What do
you mean?
-What
deal?
-Knife
maker?
-Yikes!
-I knew
she was evil!
-Told ya!
372
DINKUM:
A tight,
all encompassing contract….
373
GUM COCK:
What?
What sort of a contract? Covering what?
374
DINKUM:
No
eyeball tearing!
375
GUM COCK:
Oh,
that! On that, we definitely agree!
376
DINKUM:
Swear to
it!
377
GUM COCK:
I’ll do
so solemnly swear to it for you!
378
DINKUM:
Right!
So be it!
379
GUM COCK:
Right!
Now, attention, please, birds! All the brave soldiers among you, take
your arms and go home. If there’s any need for a further Tour of Duty,
I’ll be putting something to that effect on your notice boards.
380
BERIGORA:
I still
don’t believe any of this! Man was born to be forever treacherous!
Treacherous in every way possible! But, anyhow, talk to us! Talk to us,
tell us all about this vision of yours! Let’s see how good it is!
381
BUSH TUCKER BIRD:
I’m with
you Berigora! They’re all treacherous bastards! But let her go on! Go on then,
girlie! We won’t break our oath!
382
DINKUM:
That’s
great. That’s great, Bush Tucker Bird! By Zeus, I’ve always had
this huge speech in my craw to deliver to you birds. One which would dive
right into your souls.
Pause as
she prepares for the speech to the birds.
Ahem!
I feel extreme sorrow for you birds! Extreme sorrow!
Birds,
look at yourselves! Just take a look at yourselves! You were kings,
once!
383
FX: SOUNDS OF
SURPRISE FROM ALL THE OTHER BIRDS. LAUGHING TURTLE DOVE LAUGHS AND CHOKES ON
HER LAUGHTER
384
GUM COCK:
Us?
Kings? Kings of what?
385
DINKUM:
Yes, Gum
Cock, kings! Kings of everything: me, him, her, it, they, them… even of Zeus
himself! Of everything in existence, Gum Cock! But everything! Got that?
Everything! You lot were born even before Cronos and the Titans and even
Earth herself were born!
386
GUM COCK:
Earth,
too?
387
DINKUM:
Absolutely,
by Apollo! Absolutely!
388
GUM COCK:
By Zeus!
I was never told that one!
389
DINKUM:
Because,
Gum Cock, you were born ignorant and you’ve learnt nothing ever since!
Have you bothered to study Aesop?
390
GUM COCK:
Aeslop?
What’s that? Doesn’t sound too healthy to me.
391
DINKUM:
No,
that’s what I thought! It’s Aesop, Gummy, Aesop and he was our great
philosopher
392
GUM COCK:
Ohhhhh!
393
DINKUM:
Yes.
And he says that it’s undeniable that first among you to appear was…yes, you,
Shrub Lark!
394
SHRUB LARK:
Me?
Are you sure?
395
SOMEONE IN THE BACKGROUND:
Watch
her! I think she’s on a roll! She’s spinning! She’s a human, watch
her! Evil creatures, the humans!
396
BLUE WING:
Beware of
humans bearing gifts!
397
SHOVELLER:
That’s
“beware of the Greeks bearing gifts,” Blue Wing!
398
BLUE WING:
And what
race are this lot then, Shoveller?
399
SHOVELLER:
Greeks!
400
DINKUM:
You, yes
you, Shrub Lark! You were born even before Earth!
401
SHRUB LARK:
Ohh!
How delightful!
402
DINKUM:
But then,
her father died of bird flu, you see, the poor old chap and, since there was no
earth at that stage, he couldn’t be buried. Poor Shrub Lark didn’t know what to
do with his carcass. Finally, on the fifth day, the poor, desperate woman
buried him, her father, in her head!
So, then,
it must follow that if you birds have begun your existence even before the
gods, well then, surely the power should be yours, no?
403
GUM COCK:
By
Apollo, of course, it should!
404
SMILEY:
But you
should make sure that beak of yours stays very sharp, folks because Zeus isn’t
going to just hand over his sceptre to some little woodpecker that
easily. You’ll need sharp beaks for that little war!
405
DINKUM:
So, you
see, Gum Cock, in the beginning it wasn’t the gods who were the kings and
ruled over humans but you lot. There’s lots of proof for that. Let me
give you one example:That bird, over there, for example!
Red Pole!
It was he
who was the first king and ruler of the Persians, well before all those
Dariuses and the Megabuzes, the big mouths ever were! That’s
why he’s also called the Persian Bird. Due to the location of
that birth of his.
406
SMILEY:
So that’s
why he struts about like the Persian King and is the only bird who can keep his
head gear erect and can get all the chicks first off!
407
DINKUM:
Not only
that but due to that mighty power of his, as soon as he… sings his morning
erection, everyone else has to get up too and go off to work. The metal worker,
the potter, the skin stretcher, skin puller, skin washer, whore,
lyre-and-shield maker –all get up, still in the dark, put on their shoes and
off they go!
408
SMILEY:
Yeah,
tell me about it! Because of that beast there, I, poor suck, had my lovely
Phrygian cloak stolen from me, once! I’ve been invited to a baby’s ten-day
celebration you see. You know, that’s the day we give babies their name. Well,
it was held in the city; so I go there, have my few drinks and went off for a
little snooze. Well, no sooner had I done that and even before the others
had finished dinner, this stupid bird begins his crowing!
Mimics
“Up and at it! Up and at it, up and bloody at
it!”
Well! I
thought it was morning so I set out for home, to Halimos. But no sooner I poke
my nose outside the walls of the city and, bang! Some bastard of a thief,
gongs me on the back of the head with a huge club! I flop down and have a go at
yelling for help but the damned thief had already run off with my cloak!
Lovely, Phrygian cloak!
409
DINKUM:
And the
Kite, too! The kite was the king and ruler of the Greeks.
410
LAUGHING TURTLE DOVE:
Laughs
Of the
Greeks?
411
DINKUM:
Absolutely,
Laughing Turtle Dove! In fact, because he was their king, he showed them
the custom of “rolling over” on the ground whenever they see a Kite,
because the Kite is the herald of Spring.
412
SMILEY:
See?
That too reminds me of an awful experience I had once! By Dionysus! In fact I
did this “rolling over” thing one Spring, when I saw my first Kite and as I did
so, I gulped down the obol I was carrying under my tongue, you know, so that
the thieves won’t find it. Well, I’d swallowed the damned thing and had to go
home financially bereft that day. Wife wasn’t impressed at all that night.
She had a headache for a week!
413
DINKUM:
And as
for the Cuckoo bird, he ruled over the whole of Egypt and Phoenicia and no-one
there would do any reaping of the wheat and the barley fields until the cuckoo
cuckooed!
414
SMILEY:
Aha! So
that’s why when the sun is too hot out there and we all go off naked to do the
reaping, we say, “cuckoo! All pricks to the fields!” Hahahaha!
415
DINKUM:
And the
authority of these birds was so mighty then that whoever was the human king in
a Greek city, like, say some Agamemnon or a Menelaos, his sceptre would have a
bird perched on top of it and that way that bird would share whatever was
presented to that king.
416
SMILEY:
Well,
look at that! I didn’t know that either. It always did bother me this.
When say, Priam would come out on the stage of some play or other, the bird
he’d be holding would be looking directly at Lysicrates, the great corrupt
judge of plays, to strike a bribery deal with him.
417
DINKUM:
Precisely!
And the most blatant proof of all of this is that, Zeus, the current king of
the gods has an eagle stuck on his head, his daughter, Athena, has an owl on
hers, and Apollo, being a servant, carries around a hawk.
418
GUM COCK:
Yes, by
Demetre, that’s right. But why? What’s the point?
419
DINKUM:
The
point, Gum Cock? The point is that when some human wants to make a
sacrifice and, as we say, “put the offal in the god’s hands,” as is
our custom, these birds themselves can snatch them away even before Zeus
can! The other thing is, that in the olden days, no human ever swore an
oath by a god. They all swore by some bird or other. That’s how
important and sacred everyone thought you birds were - back in the olden
days! These days, though, they treat you like puppets, idiots and
imbeciles. They even chase you around with rocks, like they do to madmen.
Even in
the holy temples there are bird catchers, now, with their nooses and nets and
snares and twigs and meshes and lures in big traps, all set up and ready to
grab you and sell you by the basketful!
Ha! And
when they do, what happens to you? The buyer starts poking you here and
there, feeling your breasts and your legs and your inner thighs, as well as
your bum. Utterly disgusting. Thoroughly undignified! Male or female,
young or old, you cop the same dreadful treatment!
420
FX: SOUNDS OF PROTEST
AND OUTRAGE FROM VARIOUS BIRDS
421
DINKUM:
And then,
if they do decide you’re good enough for their barbie, they buy you and instead
of just roasting you on it, they pour a whole lot of oil and vinegar and
aromatic herbs and spices all over you and then grate a whole lot of cheese and
cover you with all this muck.
422
VARIOUS BIRDS:
-Disgusting!
-Outrageous!
-What
barbarians!
-How dare
they!
-Kill
them all!
-Bombard
them all with speckled phosphate!
423
DINKUM:
Then, if
that’s not enough, they go and make another sauce, sweet and greasy and pour it
hot all over you while you’re hot yourselves on the spit! As if you’re
mere carcasses, abandoned on the field to stink.
424
GUM COCK
What
dreadful, what horrible words you’ve brought us, human!
425
LAUGHING TURTLE DOVE:
Laughs
but chokes her laughter with tears.
They make
me cry at my fathers’ evilness!
426
COCKEYED OWL:
That’s
right, Laughing Turtle Dove! They’ve destroyed all those wonderful
things
that their fathers left them as inheritance! Thank god or goodness that
you’re here to save us, human!
427
BUSH TUCKER BIRD:
I beg
you, human, take over and rule us and our chicks.
428
REDNECK:
That’s
right! Teach us what we’ve got to do. We must regain our authority as
rulers at all costs! Otherwise our life is not worth our dropping!
429
DINKUM:
Fine,
Redneck. In that case, listen to lesson number one:
Let there
be a city for birds only! Build a wall which will enclose it and which
will enclose the whole space around it and in it. Make that wall out of
real hard-baked bricks, like that wall they’ve built in Babylon.
430
GANG-GANG COCKATOO:
By the
great birds, Kevrione and Porfyrion! What a mighty city that will be,
ey? Marvellous to behold, fantastic to live in.
431
COCKEYED OWL:
Opulence
and security Gang-Gang!
432
REDNECK:
Authority
and control, Cockeyed-Owl!
433
DINKUM:
Get that
city built and then demand that Zeus gives you back your authority as rulers,
Gang-Gang! If he refuse, then declare a holy war against him and tell the gods
that they’re not to pass through your territory ever again with erect pricks on
their way to screw all those Alcmeneses and Alopeses and Semeleses as they used
to do before. And, if they refuse, grab their dicks and put a seal on them so
that they can’t screw anyone ever again!
Then, I
think you should send a herald to the humans below. Tell them that henceforth,
you’re the rulers of the world and that all sacrifices to the gods should be
preceded by a sacrifice to a bird, the bird most appropriate to that god.
If, for
example, someone wants to make a sacrifice for Afrodite, then first he should
sacrifice some nuts to Gang-gang Cockatoo here. If he wants to sacrifice a
sheep to Poseidon, say, then he should first make an offering of wheat to the
Guzzler there. For Herakles, he should make offerings of honey balls to
the Flamingo and for Zeus, for whom he’d be sacrificing a ram, let him first
offer to the king of birds, the Big Nob Gum Cock here, a slaughtered gnat with
all genitals intact.
434
SMILEY:
Lovely! A
slaughtered gnat for Big Nob Gum Cock! All genitals intact! I love
that! Hahahaha! Zeus, old boy, chunder your heart out!
435
GUM COCK:
But,
honestly, Dinkum, how are the humans going to believe we’re gods and not
Gum Cocks? We fly around and flap our wings up and down!
436
DINKUM:
Rubbish,
Gummy! What about Hermes? He’s got wings on him and he’s a god; and
what about Victory? She flies around with wings of gold and –and what
about Eros, by Zeus? And what did Homer say about Iris? “She’s like a
trembling dove!”
437
GANG-GANG COCKATOO:
Yeah, but
won’t Zeus make a whole lot of thunder and hurl at us his winged lighting bolt?
438
GUM COCK:
And what
if out of their ignorance the humans treat us like a pack of nobodies
but those on Olympus as real gods?
439
DINKUM:
Well,
then a whole cloud of you sparrows will get up and charge at their fields, eat
all their seed and then let’s see how Demetre manages to distribute enough
grain to them!
440
SMILEY:
She won’t
want to do that, by Zeus! She’ll behave just like all our politicians do:
she’ll use all sorts of excuses to flip-flop and renege on her promises.
441
DINKUM:
And then,
just to show them what you can do, let all the magpies fly down and peck out
the eyes of all the sheep and the oxen who’s job it to till the land.
This will give Apollo the Healer something to do to earn his fee!
442
SMILEY:
Hang
on! Wait at least until I sell my pair of oxen!
443
DINKUM:
But, let
the humans treat you like a god, say, as their Zeus, or as their Poseidon, and
they’ll be able to share in all sorts of benefits.
444
GUM COCK:
What sort
of benefits are we talking about here, Dinkum?
445
DINKUM:
Well, Gum
Cock, firstly they’ll be free of the locusts who eat their vine buds because a
whole army of Boobook Owls and Butcher Birds will charge down and gobble up all
those locusts in no time. Then we’ll tell the mozzies and the blowflies not to
go chomping on their fig trees any more because one single flight of Garbage
Guts Birds will have them eradicated in no time!
446
BRISTLE BIRD:
But I
know the humans, human! They’d want money, riches, wealth, gold!
That’s where their passions lie. Riches! What will we do about
that?
447
DINKUM:
Easy,
Bristle Bird! I’ve thought about that as well. You see, when they
go to do their auguries, the prophets will advise them through the birds, of
course, about where the most profitable metal mines are and which voyages to
take so that no ships and shipowners will be lost at sea.
448
BUSH TUCKER BIRD:
Won’t be
lost at sea? What do you mean?
449
DINKUM:
What I
mean, Bush Tucker Bird is that before anyone leaves his harbour, he’ll talk to
his seer about it, right? Well, the birds will be able to whisper in that
seer’s ears and inform him whether or not to tell the captain to leave now
because there’s profit in store or to hang on a while because there’s heavy,
wintry weather ahead! Simple!
450
SMILEY:
Right!
That’s it then! I’m buying a ship and sailing off for profits. I’m not
hanging around with you lot!
451
DINKUM:
As well,
all those treasures which your forefathers buried in strange lands, you birds
will be able to reveal to the humans because you know those places. In fact you
hear it all the time, “Only the birds know where I’ve hidden my treasure!”
452
SMILEY:
All
right, then! I’m selling the ship and getting myself a shovel. I’m off to
dig for treasure pots.
453
SHRUB LARK:
And
health? You said health, too. How do we give them that?
454
DINKUM:
What do
you mean, Shrub Lark? Isn’t being happy also being healthy? You all know
the saying: men who work only to be wealthy will never be healthy! Men who work
to be healthy will always be wealthy.
455
BUSHCOCK:
And what
about old age? That’s the privilege of the Olympian gods. Or
do you expect these humans to reach the ripe old age of toddlers?
456
DINKUM:
These
humans, Bushcock will have another three hundred years added to their age!
457
GUM COCK:
Three
hundred years? Where from?
458
DINKUM:
From
themselves, Gum Cock, from themselves! Haven’t you read your Hesiod?
459
GUM COCK:
Hesiod?
What’s that?
460
DINKUM:
I didn’t
think so! Hesiod said that “The life of man is five times that of the
chattering Galah!”
461
FX: SOUNDS OF PROTEST
FROM A GALAH:
462
SMILEY:
Damn!
These birds will be better kings for us than Zeus, himself - by Zeus!
463
DINKUM:
But of
course they will. See, we wouldn’t have to build these huge marble temples that
we always build for the gods; or gild every one of their gates with gold
because these lovely birds will build their homes in the cool shrub and among
the grasses and the more religious among them will have the olive tree as their
temple. So, we won’t have to be going off to Delphi all the time, or to Ammon,
in the Siwa oasis in Libya for prayer or sacrifices. What we’ll be doing, instead,
is to stand among the wild strawberries and wild olive trees, stretch out our
hands full of barley and wheat and pray to the birds to give us a share of
their blessings –and we’ll get these blessing straight away for the low price
of a bit of grain.
464
GUM COCK:
Oh, my
friend! What a great friend you’ve turned out to be! And I thought
you were my enemy!
465
SHRUB LARK:
And what
a great idea! How could we ever ignore it, Gummy?
466
GUM COCK:
And the
scheme! What a great scheme, Shrub Lark. What a great scheme, ey?
467
GANG-GANG COCKATOO:
Your
words have given me strength, human woman and so, to you, I am making this oath
and threat:
If you
fight the gods with us, join your heart to ours, bring us your useful words,
come to us with one heart true blue and honest and empty of tricks, I swear,
the gods will not enjoy the sceptre they have stolen from us for much longer!
468
FX: APPLAUSE OF CROWD
(FLOCK?) OF BIRDS TOGETHER!
-Yeae!
-Hear,
hear!
-Dinkum
for Chief!
-Our
city, our power
-More
sex!
-Hoorah!
469
GUM COCK:
So,
humans, where there is a need for muscle, we’ll come running to do our duty and
where there’s a need for brain, you’ll take over, right, humans?
470
DINKUM:
Absolutely,
Gum Cock, absolutely!
Right! Now!
We have no time for idle sleep, by Zeus! Nor is there any time to make grand
and silver-tongued speeches of victories which may or may not eventuate
tomorrow, like those our general Nicias made and brought us the unmitigated
Sicilian disaster! No, we need to act now and we need to act fast!
471
BUSHCOCK:
Welcome
to both of you, kind humans! Come to my humble abode for drinks and
formal introductions.
472
DINKUM:
Welcome
accepted.
473
BUSHCOCK:
Entrance
is this way.
474
DINKUM:
Let’s go
in, mate! Lead the way, Bushcock!
475
BUSHCOCK:
Come.
476
DINKUM:
Woa!
Damn! Turn back for a second, Bushy! Slap your oars back this way for a
minute. I just thought of something. Tell me, Bushy. My friend and
I are without wings; see? Flapless! Whereas all of you lot have
them. How can we possibly be your partners if you can fly about
but we can’t?
477
BUSHCOCK:
No probs,
Dinkum!
478
DINKUM:
But
haven’t you heard Aesop’s famous story about how the eagle and the fox make bad
mates?
479
BUSHCOCK:
Aeslop?
What’s an Aeslop?
Anyhow,
have no fear, Honey! Bushcock’s here! There’s a little root which, if you
just chew onto a bit of it, you’ll end up with wings.
480
DINKUM:
Well, if
that’s the case, we’re in.
Come
on then, Xanthias and Manes, pick up the pots and pans!
481
FX: NOISES OF POTS AND PANS
AS THEY’RE LIFTED AND CARRIED
482
GUM COCK:
Whispering
Pppp-psssss!
Hey, Bushy! Bushy! Over here a minute! Tell me!
483
BUSHCOCK:
Yes,
Gummy? What is it?
484
GUM COCK:
By all
means, mate, take these two inside and feed them well but, oh, mate! That
lovely, mellifluous nightingale of yours, the one that sings so well –just like
the muses, full of honey and blossom and… bring her down here from wherever she
is so that we can play with her for a bit, ey?
485
BUSHCOCK:
Your wish
is me command Gummy!
Calls:
Coooo-eeeee!
Coooo-eeeee! Coooo-eeeee!
Coooo-eeeee!
Come outside darling, Procne and present yourself to our guests!
Coooo-eeeee!
Coooo-eeeee! Coooo-eeeee!
END OF
SCENE ONE
INTERMEZZO
486
FX: NOISES OF A HUGE
WALL BEING BUILT. BUILDERS SINGING, WOLF-WHISTLING, ETC. BACKGROUND
UTTERANCES LIKE “PASS ME A BRICK” OR “FASTER FATSO”, “BLOODY SEA GULLS ARE
USELESS”, “GET ON WITH IT UP THERE!” ARE HEARD WHILE THE GALAH SAYS THE
FOLLOWING.
487
FX: THEME MUSIC BELOW THE
FOLLOWING
488
GALAH:
Hi!
Galah here!
And I’m
here to tell you that:
there’s
nothing sweeter, nothing better,
nothing
greater than to have wings and be able to fly.
For
example, let me say
that
you’re watching some tragic play,
For
example let us say
a tragedy
of sorts,
that
makes you hungry and very bored!
How
tragic can a tragedy be, ey?
Well,
with wings you’d fly out of here, go home and have dinner
and when
you’re full as a gook
(that’s
an egg by a chook, I’ll have you know!)
you’d fly
right back here
and you’d
see us standing here
just as
we were standing here
before
you left.
That’s
the tragedy of a tragedy.
Things
don’t fly like in a comedy.
Haha!
And let’s
suppose that
One of
you gets stressed in the gut
and he’s
likely to gloat his cloak
Well, all
he needs is just a simple but mighty blast,
You see?
Well!
With wings he’d flow up, way up,
let the
blast go fly off fast from his rectum
and
return right back to his seat,
-gut
relaxed-
to
continue with the show,
his
cloaks still dry and unperfumed.
Then
again, if one of you up there
gets
suddenly and fiercely horny
and
gloats in his cloak once again
-only at
the other end-
And by
chance he observes her lover’s husband in the seats below
Oh, what
joy!
He could
use his wings to fly over to his girl,
Do the
blah-blah with her and
flow
right back here again, egos and reputations intact.
Oh the
tragedy of not having wings – for the husband!
So,
Wings,
ey? How good is that! Cheap at half the price!
Get ‘em
now!
But build
a wall first!
How we
going up there, birdies?
489
BIRDS: VARIOUSLY:
Great!
As good
as done!
No one
will be able to get through this wall!
490
FX A BIRD
FALLING.
491
FX: CUT MUSIC
492
GALAH:
Oooops!
There goes a flightless bird!
Shouts at
it!
I told
you! Silly bloody Cassowary!
Gonging
everyone on the head with that helmet of his!
Shouts
again
Serves
you bloody right!
What a
monster that thing is, ey, folks?
493
FX: FADE OUT GALAH
END OF
INTERMEZZO
SCENE TWO
494
FX: FADE IN:
DINKUM:
Here we
are folks! And what a pretty sight we make as birds!
happy as
Laughing Jackass
495
SMILEY:
Or a
Brush Turkey
496
DINKUM:
Hahahahaha!
What… Smiley, darling! Dear, dear, friend, Smiley!
What have
they done to you? What a funny sight you are, mate!
The
funniest I’ve ever seen, by Zeus! Have you chewed too much of that root?
497
SMILEY:
And
you’re laughing at what exactly, may I ask?
498
DINKUM:
I’m
laughing at these long quills you’re wearing for wings, honey!
Hahahahaha!
Do you know what you look like, winged like that?
‘Cause
you look like a chook and… and a victim of Make-up and Wardrobe!
A real
fashion victim!
499
SMILEY:
Oh, is
that so? And you, my friend, you look like a Love Bird who had a close shave!
Who did your wings, Dinkum?
500
DINKUM:
A bird
called Booby! Would you believe that? Booby!
501
SMILEY:
I’d
believe it, I’d believe it! My feathers were arranged by a real fashion
connoisseur, a bird called Dudu!
502
DINKUM:
Reminds
me of Aeschylus,’ tragedy “The Myrmidons” where he has an eagle shot down by an
arrow. The arrow had eagle feathers attached to it and so, as the
eagle is gasping its last gasp, it says, “Drat! I’m shot down by my own
feathers!”
503
GUM COCK:
Right,
you two. Enough idle chirpings. What’s next?
504
DINKUM:
What you
mean, Gummy?
505
GUM COCK:
I mean
about our new city.
506
DINKUM:
Oh,
that. Yes, of course. Right! Well, I think, first thing we should
look at is the name.
What will
we call this city? It should be something magnificent, something
delightful.
Something
Glorious.
Something
that declares its loftiness, the fact that it’s amongst the clouds…
And then,
after that, we should make sacrifices to the gods.
507
SMILEY:
I agree
entirely. Loftiness, airiness, cloudiness, gloriousness.
508
GUM COCK:
Let me
see. What name should we give it?
509
DINKUM:
How
do you like that great name which the Spartans call their own city, Sparta?
510
SMILEY:
Hate it!
511
DINKUM:
Then
what? Think of a name! I know, Thebes!
512
GUM COCK:
Hate it!
513
SMILEY:
It’s
gotta have the word “cloud” in it, I think.
514
GUM COCK:
We need
something grandiose!
515
DINKUM:
Well,
let’s see… what about…the “Land of the Cloudy Gum Cock?”
516
GUM COCK:
Love
it! Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Oh yes! Oh yessss!
Absolutely!
What
a grand name you’ve found for it Dinkum!
Land of
the Cloudy Gum Cock! Yes! It has a bloody good ring to it!
I love
it! The Land of the Cloudy Gum Cock!
Has a
familiar ring to it, as well, don’t you think?
517
SMILEY:
Absolutely!
I knew that would appeal to your… ehhh loftier sentiments, Gummy!
Hahahaha!
This must
be the only land called the Land of the Cloudy Gum Cock!
Hahahaha!
A place
unique in the Universe.
Unique in
the minds of men and beasts…unique as a haven for horny folks.
518
COCKATOO:
The Land
of the Cloudy Gum Cock!
What a
bright, fantastic city that will be!
Yes, I
agree! All the birds will love this name.
It has a
familiar ring to it.
So… well
then. Which god will we have as its protector?
For whom
shall we weave the Ceremonial Robe?
519
DINKUM:
Shall we
give that role to Athena Polias?
520
SMILEY:
Zeusy,
Zeusy, Zeusy No! By the good god Zeus!
How on
earth can you keep any order in a city which has a woman god in full
lethal armour while one of
its
citizens, Cleisthenes the beardless girlie, sits there doing his knitting?
521
GANG-GANG COCKATOO:
Then,
who’ll be in charge of the walls around the Acropolis?
522
DINKUM:
A bird,
stupid! One of our lot. Maybe one of the Persian race. The one everyone
calls, “Ares’ Killer Kid.”
523
SMILEY:
Yes!
My Lord! Ares’ Killer Kid! What a bird! And one perfectly capable
of living on the rocks, I’m told!
524
DINKUM:
Well
then, Smiley, off you go into the deep blue sky and help the birds finish
building the walls.
They’re
almost done, I’m told.
Bring
them the gravel, take off your clothes and work the mud well, carry the
troughs, fall down from the ladder, put guards on duty, keep the fire burning,
run around with the bell and stay there for the night.
Then send
a herald up to the gods and then from there send him off to the humans
below and then let him come here to me.
525
SMILEY:
Angry
Sure!
While your majesty stays here and gives orders to all and sundry!
526
DINKUM:
Go,
please, darling, go! Otherwise none of what I’ve just told you will
happen!
I’ll stay
here and prepare the sacrifice to the new gods.
Now where
is the priest?
I need to
call him to organise the ceremony!